One man's search for the root of his homosexuality
I was the first child of Christian parents, born nine days before their second wedding anniversary in 1944, and brought up under the puritanically strict régime of Exclusive Brethren. We had no radio or music (T.V. was still in its infancy!); and cinema, theatre, sports meetings or similar entertainments were simply beyond the pale. Contact with Christians who were not members of our fellowship, was not encouraged; and with non-Christians, distinctly discouraged. Not being a rebellious son1, I accepted all this with equanimity. I had two younger sisters but no brother (although I often wished I had), nor any cousins, and as there was only one boy of a similar age to myself in our fellowship, it was inevitable that during my school years I had no-one that I could call a real friend – not that this bothered me much, as I am by nature a loner. I accepted Jesus as my saviour at around the age of eight or ten, but not being immersed in great sin or worldliness, it was not quite the life changing conversion experienced by those who have led a really Godless life. About half way through grammar school, I was withdrawn from Religious Instruction lessons and school assembly, in response to ever stricter diktats introduced by the new leader of our particular group of ‘brethren’. My ‘O’ level results were good enough to justify taking ‘A’ levels, but my parents’ finances could not sustain me at school for a further two or three years, and in any case, further education was being discouraged by the ‘brethren’. This did not trouble me at the time, but it significantly affected my prospects and outlook on life later.
We were never a particularly close family, and as my father worked very long hours to make a living, I saw but little of him except on Sundays. I do not have many memories of childhood or adolescence, but I cannot recall ever being hugged by my parents (I am not saying they didn’t, only that I have no such memories). Certainly, I had very little to do with my sisters and the only person from that period of my life that I was at all close to, was my maternal grandmother, who lived nearby, and whom I visited quite frequently.
Sexually, I was very much a late developer, having very little sexual awareness of, or interest in, persons of either gender until I was in my late teens. I do recall several incidents from my school days which, with the benefit of hindsight, I now recognise as early indications of my homosexual orientation. I have no doubt that the senior school laboratory assistant was a homosexual, and I recall having conversations with him in which I believe he was ‘grooming’ me. I am also conscious that my interest in public conveniences began at this time, though not in an active way.
In my early twenties, when new rules and diktats from the leadership were being introduced almost monthly, much pressure was brought to bear on all young men to get married. Being a ‘good boy’ I sought to comply and began to look around for a wife. Over a period of time there were two or three girls for whom I had some feelings, but was too reserved to speak to them. Consequently, I never had a girlfriend (and so, was unaware of their ways and moods). Ironically, when I met Helena - my future wife - it was her quiet demeanour to which I was most attracted. It was not that she lacked physical attractiveness, nor was I unable to appreciate it, simply that it was not the primary attraction.
Even during our engagement, Helena and I had difficulties communicating with each other. If I did or said something which displeased her, instead of telling me what it was, she would simply withdraw from me and refuse to speak. It was useless to ask what the matter was, as I would just be told that if I loved her I would know what had upset her! After we were married this worsened to the point where we would go for weeks without communicating, other than in the mundane necessities of daily living. I felt utterly trapped – I had no idea how to break this deadlock, nor did I have a friend to whom I could turn for help and advice. This has coloured the whole of our life together to such an extent that I have to say, looking back, that there has been no extended period of time when we were truly happy together. However, I am proud of the fact that we do have three wonderful children, all now grown up and all actively involved in their respective churches.
Less than a year after our marriage, schism occurred in our brethren group, which resulted in my having almost no further contact with my mother, sisters and grandmother. For eight or nine years I didn’t see my father either, but he eventually parted company with those brethren (leading to my parents divorce), after which we began to see him again.
The communication barrier with Helena gave rise to enormous frustration and feelings of rejection; but the anger remained deeply suppressed most of the time. Thus it was that, after about five or six years of increasingly unsatisfactory marriage, I was drawn, first to the fantasy and then to the actuality of homosexual activity. I had been blissfully unaware of this facet of my personality until this time, and even then did not realise its full implications; although looking back, I can identify that my orientation has always been homosexual. With my Christian upbringing, I knew that what I was getting involved in was wrong, and I would frequently repent and confess my sin to God, seeking His forgiveness, and asking for help to be set free from the power of sin over me. It was very disconcerting to find that what had begun as a mere indulgence had quickly become an addiction having a virtually ‘unbreakable’ hold over me. Understandably, I could not speak to Helena about this, nor was there anyone else in whom I could confide, and so began the deception of a double life. A compounding factor is that I am kinaesthetic; by which I mean that for me, sexual arousal is primarily by touch, whereas for the majority of men it is by sight. This helps explain why I was unaware of my homosexual orientation in adolescence, and also why the sexual side of the marriage quite quickly became almost non-existent.
Perhaps I need to explain a little about homosexual behaviours in general. I guess it is easy enough for a man who finds a girl or woman attractive, to ask her to join him in a coffee, a meal or a visit to the cinema etc. If she doesn’t fancy him she can politely decline and there is no offence on either side. However, if he asks another man the same thing, he runs a severe risk of a smack in the eye or a punch on the nose. So how does a gay man make contact with another gay? There are gay bars and clubs which are relatively safe meeting places. It is also well known that gay men often make contact in public lavatories, a practice known as cottaging, and in woods or parks etc, which is called cruising. There are also the personal advertisements in many newspapers and on the internet. Some homosexuals crave relationship just as much as heterosexuals, but others prefer the non-commitment of casual contacts.
My homosexual behaviour (cottaging) was always on a casual basis, and continued spasmodically over a period of some years until in December 1993, I was arrested and charged. My wife and family necessarily became acquainted with the facts and I also made my situation known to responsible persons in the (brethren) fellowship. They felt it appropriate to exclude me from the fellowship for a time. Also, as confidentiality was not maintained, my situation became widely known in our group of brethren meetings throughout the UK. It is probable that after a suitable interval, I would have again been welcomed there, but Helena, refusing to accept that their action was either just or scriptural, withdrew herself from membership and refused to go back. Thus after a little while we found ourselves attending a Pentecostal Church. To begin with, I would not break bread there, but when the pastor asked me about it, I explained to him what I had been involved in. He was very sympathetic, and prayed with me about it, but seemed to think that praying was all that was required to resolve the issue. He was totally out of his depth and could offer me no practical help or advice. The shock of the arrest and court appearance, and the trauma of the disfellowshipping, had brought about a cessation of my homosexual activities, so he was happy for me to take communion. At this time I began in earnest to seek the anointing of the Holy Spirit on my life, and a greater sense of nearness to, and the love of, God. Although I felt that the problem was over, we did commence some marriage guidance counselling. This continued for about a year, but no progress was made with our inability to communicate effectively. Shortly after this ended, the frustration of this failure, and the continuing feelings of rejection, coupled with the fact that I still had no understanding of the real nature and cause of homosexuality (and so had not even begun to address the issues involved), and the tremendous pressure of the temptations under which I constantly came, resulted in my reverting to my former practices.
Around May 1995 a new pastor came to the church. Shortly after that, an elder came to me with a word of knowledge to the effect that there was something wrong in my life and it had to stop, but in my spiritually weak state, I found that impossible. Then God told me quite plainly that I was to tell the elder my whole story. This I did straight away (in June 1995), and that really began my journey of recovery. The immediate outcome was that the new pastor was advised of the situation, and he in turn felt it necessary to involve the whole church leadership. Understandably, after what had happened with the brethren, Helena found this very upsetting. However, the new pastor did put me in touch with True freedom Trust (TfT). I joined in July 1995, but as I couldn’t start meeting with a TfT Turnabout Group until October, I made myself accountable to two brothers in the church on a weekly basis, for the intervening period. The opportunity arose to attend a Living Waters conference in London at the end of August. Its objective was to help the victims of physical, mental, psychological and sexual abuse, and people struggling with compulsive and addictive behaviours in various areas of life. This was the first really practical help I had received, and I found the conference extremely beneficial. It helped me in some measure to deal with the frustration and rejection which had been so much a part of my struggle, and to let go of some of the hurts which had been eating away at my soul. I also had a truly wonderful encounter with Jesus in a way which I had never experienced before, and this gave me a much deeper understanding of the meaning of His cross and sufferings; and for probably the first time in my life, I was able to give vent to my emotions in tears. I was so affected by this that I felt I wanted to tell the whole church about it the following Sunday, but sadly was dissuaded from so doing. Whilst at the Living Waters conference I acquired a number of books dealing with various aspects of the subject, and began a period of intense study to try to reach a clearer understanding of the causes of, and remedies for, my condition.
I continue to meet with the Turnabout Group (now called a Barnabas Group), which I have found most helpful in broadening my knowledge and understanding of the true character of God, learning how to relate rightly to other men, and growing in grace. The TfT annual conference at the end of October 1995 was another milestone in my journey of self discovery. In the course of my studies I became acquainted with Dr. Moberly’s2 assertion that a principle cause of homosexuality is a breakdown (known as emotional detachment) in the father/son bond3. Whilst recognising that I had unknowingly cut myself off from the love and affirmation which I should have received from my father, I could not entirely relate to that as the reason for my being homosexual. I had a deep sense that there was something else, and it became crucial for me to know what the root of my homosexuality was. So I kept searching and reading, although it was to be quite some time before I got the answer. With hindsight, I realise that I had never really known what love was, and that I knew neither how to give nor how to receive love. This lack has extended into the spiritual realm as well, so that all my life I have felt distant from God and from a sense of His love. The lack of friends has also continued until recently, and only now are these issues beginning to be rectified.
In the early part of 1996, whilst away on business, I stayed for three days with a younger man whom I had met at the TfT conference, and during that time a deep mutual love developed between us. This was a totally new experience for me; it was a love, the like of which I had never before known, and made me realise the shallowness of my relationship with Helena. Regrettably, we failed at one point to keep the relationship within proper bounds, as a result of which we had to forego the friendship we could otherwise have enjoyed and benefited from. Progress in my struggle continued to be made, though not without some setbacks, until by June of the same year, God had led me to the point where I was convinced there was a demonic element to my struggle, and I sought deliverance. A series of meetings was arranged during July, which culminated in a session of deliverance. This was a significant landmark in my recovery and further progress has been made since then.
During the whole period from commencing to attend the Pentecostal Church, I have many times felt the presence of the Holy Spirit come upon me both during a service, and in other situations, either in a word spoken, or often in a hymn; and been reduced to quiet weeping as He has ministered to my need for softening, and deepening in repentance. Two other significant events are worth relating. Each occurred at a ‘men’s breakfast’. On the first occasion, after our discussion, we separated into small groups to pray for each other. At this point, some unsympathetic and derogatory remarks were made about homosexuals by persons in our group. This inhibited me from praying audibly or taking any further part. Later that day at home, I had a sudden and violent reaction to the prejudice which had been expressed; and I had to retire to my room where, with many tears, I directed my anger at God. I had never been angry with God, and at first it seemed quite wrong, but God brought me through it, bringing a peace into my heart so that I felt no bitterness towards those who had spoken the hurtful words. That day I learned something new about God’s character. On the second occasion, the subject of our discussion was discrimination and prejudice (colour, ethnic, ecclesiastical and sexual), and the need to show tolerance. We were then invited to discuss any particular areas where we found we lacked tolerance, or had prejudices. Homosexuality was mentioned and I felt a strong compulsion to reveal my identity and invite the men to face their first test of the attitude we had been encouraged to adopt; but the fear of rejection held me back.
In my ongoing search for understanding of my condition, I had stumbled across a secular book on psychology in which I discovered a suggestion that pre-natal trauma could have a significant rôle in the predisposition to homosexuality, or even be a cause of it. When a suitable opportunity arose, I asked my father whether my mother had experienced any trauma during her pregnancy. Nothing could have prepared me for the answer I received. He told me that when my mother knew she was pregnant, she so did not want to start a family at that time, that she enquired actively about the possibility of procuring an abortion (and if it had been as readily available then as it is today, I would not be writing this). As he told me this, it was as though the last piece of the jigsaw of my search for an understanding just fell into place, and at that moment I knew that in my mother’s rejection of me lay the root of my homosexuality. There is no doubt in my mind that many of my personal problems stem from this fact; not just my homosexuality, but my fear of rejection (mainly projected as perfectionism) and my difficulty in both giving and receiving love. The effect this must have had on my marriage is incalculable. A little later I shared this discovery in the Barnabas Group (of ten men). When I had finished, there was a brief silence, then one by one, four other members of the group each related similar experiences of pre- or immediate post- natal rejection.
Early in 2002 I felt God was moving me on from the Pentecostal Church, and I now attend a more charismatic church in a nearby town. When I was ready to ask for membership, I felt prompted by God that I should share my struggle with the whole church. I put this to the leadership and they agreed to it. Thus it was that in December 2004 I stood in front of my church and told them of my struggle with homosexuality. Although I knew God was over it all, I didn’t know what reaction to expect, but I was totally overwhelmed by the unconditional acceptance which was demonstrated by everyone. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.
1Deuteronomy 21 v 18-21
2Homosexuality – A New Christian Ethic , Dr. Elizabeth Moberly.
3Or the mother/daughter bond as the case may be.
September 2006