I grew up in a Christian family – my Dad the church leader of a conservative evangelical charismatic church and my Mum a housewife. They brought me up to love and serve Jesus – I had a strong Christian faith.
From an early age I remember having an attraction towards women. Whenever I was watching a film I would always be on the woman's side. I also had crushes on my female teachers at secondary school – there were quite a lot of female teachers as it was a girls' public school. Also some of the teachers were lesbians – this was not broadcasted publicly but everyone seemed to know about it. Because of this, lessons were quite biased – these teachers taught in a way that put men down and we seemed to study a lot about the emancipation of women in society. There was a huge emphasis on feminism and we were educated with a view of having a feminist outlook on life. This slant of education obviously did not help my fascination with women – I liked them more and more and considered myself to be a staunch feminist through and through. Although this fascination with women started at an early age it was never acted on until I was in my mid-twenties.
Over a period of years as I got older, I realised that I felt like a lesbian so I moulded myself into the lesbian culture – I dressed, looked and thought like a lesbian - I dressed in men's clothes, had very short hair and all my thoughts were from the viewpoint of a lesbian. It was like I was in a club which took over my thoughts, my looks and my behaviour. My whole outlook on life was from a lesbian perspective – even my political views were lesbian! I had great respect for famous gay people who I thought had very bravely come out and I considered them my role-models. With any controversial story about the church and gay people, I was always on the side of the gay person because I knew that I was the same as them. I used to always go to gay bars and gay parties as that is where I felt most comfortable. Gay men were my best friends as they were the only type of men who I didn't feel threatened by. I had reluctantly come to terms with the fact that I would probably never marry or have children because I just didn't fancy men – this was very hard to come to terms with because deep down all I wanted was to be “normal”, get married and have children although I would never admit this to anyone.
In my mid-twenties I became involved with a woman who I had met at a gay party. I suddenly felt loved like never before – I had had boyfriends in the past but I never really fancied them. I felt I was being true to myself by going out with this woman. But at the same time, I was completely petrified – I couldn't tell anyone about my new relationship, especially Christians as I felt they would condemn me. This was a very hard time in my life – just when I needed someone to talk to, I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone. So many times I wanted to tell my friends but I just couldn't risk letting anything slip out in case other people like my family found out. I was living a double life – a gay life in secret and a Christian life to family and friends.
I had a destructive relationship with my girlfriend (which was more off than on) which went on for about a year and a half in total. She was an atheist who was very against Christianity. I remember one day quite early on in our relationship, I was quoting a bit from the Bible to her which condemned homosexuality and she threw my Bible across the room and became violent (something which was to repeat itself many times). She couldn't believe that I could consider sacrificing my happiness for what she thought were ancient texts in a book written long ago. My whole life seemed a nightmare – I was depressed and an emotional wreck. Thoughts of jumping off a bridge sometimes came my way but thankfully I never acted on any of them.
My girlfriend knew of my faith in God and knew of my struggles trying to reconcile my lifestyle with my beliefs so she suggested a few organisations and friends she thought would help me come to terms with it all. However, all these organisations and friends seemed to be liberal Christians who recommended that I be true to myself and carry on in the relationship I was in. They didn't believe that homosexuality was wrong and seemed to be twisting the Bible to make it say things that would make my lifestyle seem okay to God. All this time I was continuing to go to my evangelical church and so was being taught Biblical truths which I believed in my heart but at the same time I was living a sinful lifestyle. Every Sunday, I would repent of my sins and then the next day would go straight back to my lesbian lifestyle – it was a frustrating vicious circle of which there seemed to be no end. I knew it was wrong to be doing what I was doing but the temptation was too strong to resist. It seemed impossible to do what was right because I knew that I would lose my girlfriend if I lived how I knew I should live. I couldn't risk losing her because I was emotionally dependant on her (ie I felt like I couldn't live without her and was idolising her in an unhealthy way). However, because of my struggles trying to reconcile my lifestyle with my beliefs, the relationship with my girlfriend became very intense and destructive. I kept breaking up with her (usually after being convicted of sin) and then would get back with her because I felt I needed her. It was the most destructive relationship I have ever been in and I felt that there was no way out of this terrible cycle. It was about this time that I contacted True freedom Trust who were very helpful. I heard about them from a leaflet at the back of church. They talked through the issues with me by e-mail and were really supportive and understanding while at the same time, telling me the truth of what the Bible says.
Over a period of a few months, one of my relatives had a series of prophecies for me – words from God which were completely spot on. I was amazed that God knew what I was going through and was interested enough in me to want to help me get out of the mess I was in. The prophecies and the contact with True Freedom Trust were all very encouraging but I knew that I had to take action to get myself out of this mess – it wasn't going to happen automatically. After being given the prophecies, I realised that God had plans for my life which were contrary to my plans and which were much better than I could ever conceive. All the way through my struggles I used to pray each night that God would set me free from homosexuality and that I would meet a man who loved me, loved God and who I loved. Although I felt like this would never happen, I used to pray this prayer every night.
Eventually, after much heartache and with the help of God, the relationship with my girlfriend came to a very tumultuous end – that was the first step but I still had feelings for women so it was very hard for me. I was desperately lonely and although this was never to happen again, I desperately wanted to get back with her because I still had this emotional dependency on her. I felt heartbroken.
A while later the same person had another word from God for me which basically said that God was going to change my thought processes so that things I had found attractive would no longer seem attractive to me and things I didn't find attractive would be. The message from God also said that I was no longer a lesbian and that I was going to be going out with men and not women. The amazing thing is that since that prophecy, I no longer fancied women at all and I suddenly fancied men. This was strange for me as I had never felt like this before so I tried and tried to fancy women but it didn't work! I no longer liked the role-models I had liked before. My whole outlook on life changed – my politics changed, my viewpoints changed and I felt completely out of place in a gay bar or at a gay party. I dressed, looked and felt like a straight woman. I was amazed by what God had done in my life. I can't describe exactly how this change took place because it was something that God did in my life – I don't understand exactly how it happened.
After a few months, I met and fell in love with a wonderful man – we got married and have just had our first child. I am now a home-maker – something which I vowed at school I would never become. When I look back at how God has changed my life, I am completely amazed. So much has happened in the last three years. God has brought me through the darkness into the light and I feel secure, safe and happy. All the depression and frustration has disappeared and I am now looking forward to all the other exciting plans God has for me. I know that God wants to use me to help people who have been in the same situations as me. From experience, I know it's important not to condemn or judge people who are struggling with these issues but rather to show love to them and shine God's light of truth into their lives.
God may not completely set others free in the way He has done with me, but He can change our lives when we let Him. God answers our prayers, although He often does so in a way that we would not expect. He has different plans for each one of us – He is in control and knows the best for us even though it might not always seem that way.
I know that not everyone's story will turn out like mine has – but I hope my testimony can help others with their struggles all the same.
August 2006