Our Creator God has built within us the need for friendship and companionship. He has given us the need to relate to others on a very 'intimate' level. Yet the especially deep personal sharing and vulnerability in such relationships, that we need to experience, can only be achieved with a limited number of people. We haven't the emotional capacity to cope with any more than that. ("A man of many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24).

I know a lot of people who are much more successful at developing these kind of relationships than I am. I also know many who have experienced, as I have at times, the ecstasy of 'belonging' and feeling affirmed by those they love. But many people, myself included, have also felt an overwhelming sense of isolation and loneliness when a marriage partner, lover or close friend is no longer there, for whatever reason. There is a feeling of loss and devastation, and even the sense of identity ('being and belonging') seems to be no longer there. At these times the feelings of isolation and loneliness are very great. We may know ideally that God is our 'Best Friend' and 'Lover' but the reality of experiencing this seems to be a long way away. We may even believe that we don't want this experience - human touch and love can seem much more tangible. If others even suggest that we should turn to God at these times of great need, we experience all sorts of reactions. Sometimes we may feel like throwing something at the person; other times we are just very angry. Perhaps the fact that we are not experiencing God meeting our needs makes us feel even more imperfect and inadequate. The sense of guilt and failure put upon us may even make us resent the idea of God meeting these needs ("I want someone else - not just God!").

The fact is, of course, that God has created us to need other people and to develop deep personal relationships. However, it is also true that no human relationship can ever be totally secure and stable, even though we try to convince ourselves at times that they are. The inherent insecurity in human relationships is true in every situation - not simply with friends and lovers, but also with marriage partners. Human nature really is imperfect and, because of our own hurts, we all hurt each other in many different ways. Life itself is also very tenuous, and a human relationship can be affected by death. So the answers to these very real problems of isolation and loneliness must involve more than just our physical and emotional human needs. This is where I guess you may be saying, "Well I know what's coming next!" Yes, of course, God wants to meet this deep-rooted need in all of us for a sense of 'being' and 'belonging'. Henry Nouwen in his book 'Reaching Out' (Fontana) talks about the need to work at being 'alone' rather than lonely. He talks about our need to work at aloneness with God, so that we can then move on to working at our relationships with others. He says the problem is often that we demand people to meet needs which only God himself can meet. This puts enormous pressure on our human relationships and actually creates the very insecurity that we fear. Henry Nouwen talks about learning to be alone with oneself and God, and then moving from that more secure position to being with others ('community'). This is a very helpful idea, but it can still be something to which I pay 'lip service', because it's not what I really want. I may believe it's something that I ought to desire, but my feelings still tell me that I need people. So I either continue to drift along in my search to overcome loneliness, or make some more positive steps in developing a relationship with another person. Then I find this doesn't work out so well and I seem to be back where I started!

Over recent years I have experienced a lot of emotional pain in different forms, some of it probably self-inflicted. However, I have also been aware of working at my relationship with God in new ways in terms of our communication with each other. I don't want to imply that I have reached tremendous heights of spiritual ecstasy, but I have tasted something of listening to God and sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with Him in ways that I've not known before. This does not mean that each time I've been hurt, the hurt has been taken away or the pain particularly resolved, although this has sometimes happened in various ways. It has been much more a case of being aware of the only person who fully understands what is going on within me and around me and knowing that He is 'on my side'. As my relationship with the Lord has developed in this way, I have been aware of times when I've simply wanted to be alone with Him and felt in that aloneness a sense of security and comfort I haven't found anywhere else in quite the same way.

It seems to me that one reason why so many of us find it difficult to experience the reality of God's special love for us, is that we tend not to relate to God in ways that actually enable that love to be a real experience. We know theologically the wonderful truth of God's unique and special love for us through the Lord Jesus, but it becomes a belief and an idea, rather than a real experience. For instance, when problems (including sin) come along we may be tempted to hide from God and reject Him in a state of anger or self-pity. On the other hand, we may formalise our relationship with Him so much that He seems very distant. As in all relationships, our relationship with Jesus is affected by most of the usual hurts and fears, especially the fear of rejection. Whilst it's right to honour God as the Creator of the universe in His might and majesty, and have a sense of awe towards Him, it's also right to experience His intimate love and complete understanding of us. We need to do more than just understand the great biblical truths of God's love, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness in Christ. We need to firmly hold on to these biblical truths as the solid foundation of our relationship with Him, with others and with ourselves.

I want to share a few ways that help to make these truths a reality in my own experience.

Firstly, I continue to work at my understanding and acceptance of the great biblical truths of God's love as shared in Scripture. I then start to work at areas of hurt in my own life that may make it difficult to experience these truths. Identifying and owning these areas of hurt is especially important. For example, my perfectionism will make it difficult for me to accept failure and God's forgiveness. It may instead encourage me to see God as demanding and threatening, even though I know in theory that this is not so. I must continually remind myself to rely on the facts of God's love for me (ie my theology) rather than simply my feelings. I then need to take those facts and work at ways in which I can experience them.

One way in which I do this is to use my imagination. If I can use my imagination for a fantasy, then how much more positive to use it for a reality! The fact or reality is that God, through the Lord Jesus Christ, is forever with me and within me. Therefore there are times when I can use my imagination to feel His arms around me, or sense His physical presence. At times I may take a deep breath, or sigh a deep sigh, knowing that God's love and power is also within and 'breathing' through me.

I can also experience the reality of His love within me, as I allow Him to use me in everyday situations. I need to continually remind myself that wherever I am and whatever I'm doing, the Lord can use me, not despite myself and the situation, but because of it. The Lord Jesus can love through us in our so-called 'failures' as well as the 'victories or successes'. When I'm in the pits I can be used to draw alongside others who will relate to me because I'm in the pits, rather than on the mountain top. Likewise, when I'm on the mountain top I can draw alongside others because of where I am at that time, although for some that might be too threatening. We tend to limit God by believing that He will only use us when we are 'all sorted out'. That is a lie from the accuser of the brethren (Satan). This doesn't mean that we shouldn't work at being more whole and complete - of course we should! However, our own journey towards wholeness will involve a multitude of positive and negative experiences.

Close your eyes for a moment, and try to use your imagination to experience the totally safe and secure arms of Jesus wrapped around you, enfolding you and comforting you. He shares in every situation with you, both the good and the bad. When you are hurt, so is He.

Don't feel anxious or frustrated if you find it difficult to experience this. It may not be easy, but it's something that you can work at with the Lord.

Another vital way of experiencing the presence of the Lord Jesus is in the area of your communication with Him. As in any other relationship, a breakdown in communication means a breakdown in the relationship. As I suggested earlier, there is a tendency to communicate with God in a formalised manner and to allow Him to speak to us through Scripture (which He does, of course), but in a way that becomes impersonalised. Over the last year or so I have been trying to share everything possible with the Lord. This includes the most intimate and personal details of my life and feelings that I would be reluctant to share with anyone else. It includes the joy as well as the sadness, hurt, pain and frustration - the every day things that are happening in my life. He is the only person who really knows all about them and He longs for me to share them with Him. If you are with a very close and intimate friend who knows you better than anyone else, there will be times when you relate to that person the things that are happening within you and around you, even though you know your friend is experiencing them also. Likewise there will be times when you are just aware of each other's feelings and presence in a situation, rather than verbalising what's going on. I can work at the same kind of relationship with the Lord Jesus. It does make His loving presence much more real and personal.

I also need to work at listening to the Lord in my relationship with Him. Obviously any human relationship that simply involves one partner talking to the other, without being aware of any response, is heading for disaster. I have found it very helpful to put down on paper my feelings, questions, statements etc and then also write down God's response to them. I find it helpful to write down the response immediately rather than thinking about it. This is mainly because it is difficult enough for me to believe that the response is from God anyway, and any delay in that response will encourage me to assume that the words are from me and not from the Lord. Having said that, of course, I need to acknowledge that the Lord is in my mind and therefore can use it to communicate. Sometimes there may be silence, and sometimes the response will be simply, "It's OK Martin, I'm there with you." Of course there will be times when the response is not from the Lord. This is where the theological expertise comes in, as well as common sense. If the reply directly contradicts what God has said through Scripture then it's obviously not from the Lord. In fact, I guess in some situations a word that is clearly not from the Lord may actually point us to one that is. For example, I may say to the Lord, "I feel so unrighteous and unforgiven!" The response that I receive may be, "Yes, you are unrighteous and unforgiven - you've really done it this time!" You don't need to be a great biblical scholar to recognise that this is not of the Lord, even though it may be the way you feel about yourself. If instead the reply had been, "Martin, you are counted as righteous before me; you are forgiven" then we know it is biblical (Romans 3:21-22 and 1 John 1:9).

Did you notice the personal touch there, as my name 'Martin' was used? That is tremendously affirming. It's also helpful when I hear the Lord speaking to me directly through the words of Scripture. I have the right to personalise them, because they are for me as well as you. In 1 John 1:9 we read "If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins, and purify us from all unrighteousness." How many times have we heard those famous words? (especially those of us who are Anglicans!) I can make them personal also, and read "Martin, if you confess your sins, I am faithful and just and will forgive you your sins and purify you from all unrighteousness."

Why not read that verse again and replace my name with yours?

I must confess that I don't write down my thoughts and feelings before the Lord as much as I used to. The dialogue has become much more of an internal one - but for me that's great. It's also helpful to allow God to say what you know He would always say ... "I am with you always"... "I will never leave you". The Lord's personal response to you becomes a natural part of your sense of 'being' and 'belonging' - a reflex action to every thought and situation.

I hope you can appreciate that I'm not talking about an escape from reality or about living from time to time in a kind of 'spiritualised trance'. What I have shared doesn't stop me hurting or being hurt, but it does help to stop the feeling of abandonment and isolation - it deals with the emptiness inside. Nor is it an escape from human relationships or a denial of my need for them. It does, however, bring a security and stability that no human relationship can ever bring, however much I may be tempted to believe it will. So I need to work at my relationship with the Lord in this way and work at my relationships with other people from that basis of inner security. They are both as vital to me as eating or breathing, and they will both enable me to feel more whole and solid inside - more fulfilled as a person. It's not always easy, but it gets simpler as I allow my relationships with the Lord and other people to give me a deeper understanding of myself, and therefore an understanding of my difficulties and feelings. Why not read 1 Corinthians 13? This chapter is a wonderful picture of God's love for us and the way His love should enable us to love others. The words speak of security, faithfulness, and steadfastness - not being alone.

I hope you will apply what I've shared to your own situation, as you find it relates to you. I guess some of you may have walked down this road towards wholeness further than I have and will have learned much more. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you want to share it, or if you have any questions, comments or criticisms.

Martin Hallett

"I will be with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)