The pastoral care tool kit

Listening

Those struggling with homosexuality have choices about when and what they share about their lives. Many, for a variety of reasons, are very fearful about the response they may receive when they share their problems - some are married and others may have high profile roles in their churches. Whatever the reasons, many will have lived with their problems on their own for a number of years and will often feel deep shame. So when they share - perhaps for the first time with anyone - the first thing you can do to be a help and an agent of God's grace is to give plenty of time to listening to what the person is saying. Don't react immediately and go into problem solving mode. Equally, there may be nothing you feel you can say, but to give quality time to listening with care is an invaluable start. It may be that folk will share in stages, and some of what they say may need clarification - for instance are they talking about just feelings or behaviours as well; are they compulsive; are they in a relationship - all of these facts help form a picture of what sort of help may be appropriate.

For some counselling may be an appropriate source of help in the future. But the immediate concern must be to listen with care and to build trust. Giving the person space is vital. Confidentiality is also important. I have known circumstances when someone shared with the pastor who then shared with the elders, who shared with their wives, who then together decided church discipline was necessary and so the whole church was told. Discipline was not appropriate - the man was repentant and actively seeking ways to address his problems. A welcome back party was more appropriate!

What you may hear may be difficult to cope with. For a number of women particularly abuse will have played a role in their lives (it may also be so for men). In any case you will hear of isolation, poor self-esteem, rejection, abandonment, lack of love, poor sense of masculinity and femininity, absent fathers and mothers, lack of trust, poor peer relationshipsthe list could go on. You might find it useful to contact TfT for advice - one of the reasons we exist is to provide such advice to friends and families.

Accountability

Accountability arrangements have proved beneficial, especially for those who have been caught up in addictive behaviours. It might be helpful if the person with issues could identify the people he or she would be happy to develop such a relationship with - its best for it not to be the sole responsibility of one person. It is useful for people to be involved who could act as role models - particularly to model masculinity to men and femininity to women.

Information

There are a number of books and seminar tapes available from TfT that can really help people struggling with homosexuality to understand what is going on in their lives and also help them develop strategies for coping better with their struggles. Acting as a signpost to these resources and to a specialist ministry like TfT can be a great service to the individual.

Encouraging strong involvement in church life

Often some of the root causes of homosexuality can be significantly addressed by strong involvement in church life. Poor self-esteem is helped through being able to use skills and abilities for others and with others. Poor sense of belonging is helped by brotherly and sisterly fellowship. A sense of masculinity is helped by having positive role models who are happy to be honest about their own temptations. The Word of God preached effectively and seasoned with grace assures the believer that God is for them and not against them.

Support from others who struggle

TfT can provide a range of support mechanisms to help the individual believer. These are intended to be complementary to the fellowship of the local church; however some find it too difficult to contemplate sharing their struggles in the church context and so come directly to TfT for help.

There are a number of ways this support is provided:

• Meeting with a Pastoral Support Worker (PSW). This is someone trained by TfT to meet with individuals, usually for 4 one-hour sessions. These sessions provide an opportunity for the person to share something of their story on a one to one basis. The PSW then feeds a summary of the meetings back to TfT so the needs of the individual are considered and decisions made together on how best to provide ongoing support. The experience of being listened to can prompt insights that help the individual move on in their understanding of the causes of their struggle, and so help them formulate their own action plan.
  
• The Befriender scheme gives a person the option of meeting with someone accredited by TfT on a friendly peer support basis. Younger 'clients' often want this service through email. TfT also has some moderated internet support groups - including a specific group for those involved in full time Christian ministry.
  
• Support groups are led by those who have received training from TfT and meet in various parts of the UK. The frequency of meetings ranges from every two weeks to once a month, and average membership is about 10. The focus is on bible study and mutual support.

Counselling

If someone asks for help and advice it may be right to consider what counselling may have to offer the individual. Clearly people will have different needs and concerns. Some may even suggest they do not want counselling in order to change sexual orientation, but because they want to explore how to live with it. It may be that where there is apparent addictive behaviour and an inability to develop meaningful relationships, counselling may be helpful to explore how such relationships may be developed.

Some pastoral counselling still encourages people struggling with homosexuality to get married. Marriage, however, does not turn someone with a homosexual orientation into someone with a heterosexual one. I would not rule out marriage, because it offers much to people struggling with their sexuality, but it must be entered into honestly with both partners aware of the struggles they both will face as they live with this issue in the context of marriage. Homosexuality is not about ambivalence to the opposite sex, although some may be present; rather it is about a deficit in relating to people of the same sex. Marriage can accentuate the problems. Elizabeth Moberly writes:

'Same sex developmental needs can only be fulfilled by definition in a relationship with a member of the same sex. Heterosexuality may be the ultimate goal but the attainment of genuine heterosexuality depends on the fulfilment of the same sex developmental process. There are no short cuts to heterosexuality!'

So counselling is likely to focus on same sex relational needs, which may include authority problems or difficulties with same sex colleagues at work or church. Counselling will inevitably look at relationships with the parent of the same sex as the counselee. The counsellor should encourage positive same sex relationships between the struggler and people who do not struggle with the same set of issues. As fulfilling relationships develop, so the same sex deficits can be met and change begin to take place.

There may be a need to spend time and effort counselling parents, who may feel guilt ridden. Feelings of anger, shame, grief and profound disappointment are not uncommon. The goal of counselling in these situations should be to encourage a re-building of relationships.

Husbands and wives in marriages where one partner struggles with homosexuality often need counselling. This is a complex area - sometimes men or women are drawn to those struggling with homosexuality for a variety of reasons that they themselves need to work through. The dominant woman marrying a passive man is a classic example, with the relationship entirely dependent on maintaining this balance. Change in sexual orientation will disturb the balance, so there may be some resistance from the dominant party if change becomes a possibility.

Under this heading of counselling one could include the need to counsel or educate church congregations. Is the church truly a community of acceptance and healing, a community of forgiven and forgiving people? The experience of many struggling with this issue is that the support offered by church is only partial. If you share in church many other problems you will be supported, but if you share about your homosexuality, hostility and ostracism can be the result. This is, of course, the reverse of what the struggler needs. Moberly argues that the issue of homosexuality is a testing ground not merely for ethical discussion, but for the very ability to live out the gospel!

Friendship

Friendship is a major area of relating that is undervalued by our sex driven culture. Yet for each of us, and particularly the homosexual struggler, it has much to offer as a way in which God can show us his grace and unconditional love. The close and intimate friendship of someone of the same gender as the struggler, but who does not themselves struggle with homosexuality, has the potential to powerfully act as a healing agent in the life of the struggler. Issues of insecurity and low self-esteem can be worked through - with warm hugs and positive love so the same sex ambivalence mentioned earlier can begin to evaporate. There is, of course, the possibility of emotional dependence and sexual attraction on the part of the struggler, but in a safe environment these feelings can be spoken about and brought out of darkness into light. From personal experience I have found such friendships to be a very powerful means by which God has dealt with a whole set of problems I have faced. In an age where men are uncertain about what it is to be a man such friendships have a role to play well beyond the confines of a struggle with homosexuality.

Goals and likely outcomes

The aim in ministering to people struggling with homosexuality should first and foremost be to encourage them in their faith and in their determination to follow Jesus - to listen and respond to God's word rather than to rely solely on their feelings.

As part of that overarching aim we are looking for ways in which the believer may understand the nature of his or her struggles and through prayer, bible study, fellowship and friendship may find ways to live a life of obedience that brings glory to God. We are not necessarily expecting a dramatic transformation from homosexuality to heterosexuality - the journey is towards holiness, as it is for all believers.

Part of this journey will involve suffering, a feeling that God has given the struggler too great a burden, compounded by a sense of alienation from others. Ministry in this context is about helping one another to engage with the mystery of suffering and in all the distress find Jesus - the one who is able to understand our suffering because He too has suffered. False assurance should be avoided as the suffering may not end until the believer reaches heaven - its not right to appear to offer a gospel that suggests that by coming to Christ all our problems will be solved. At the same time the struggler can be encouraged to value their life's experiences and to see that through them God is seeking to draw them closer to Himself.

It is important not to view homosexuality as a core identity that separates people out into a separate category. Rather we should recognise that through our ministry we demonstrate love for individuals made in the image of God who all struggle with many different challenges in their lives. As we involve ourselves with strugglers so we discover that below the presenting symptoms there are far more commonalities between us than there are differences. As we engage in such care we are likely to encounter Jesus who was keen to identify Himself with those who were viewed as untouchables.

We must, however, recognise we will experience disappointment and even heartbreak. Some people will choose to turn their back on the faith and take up a gay lifestyle. The nature of the identity and insecurity issues can be so great for some people that they see no other option than to give in to temptation and find other ways of meeting their needs. We can pray and, of course, offer people a way back should they so choose it at a later time.

On the other hand we will find encouragement as we see God at work in the lives of individuals. Usually it's not dramatic but over a period of years we can see how God brings peace, a new identity, new relational abilities and a positive usefulness for the Kingdom into the lives of those we are seeking to support. God brings us personal blessing through the care we give to others. As well as being encouraged we will see our vision enlarged about what God is able to do. We discover that no one is beyond hope, and we see God use people who previously we thought were so full of problems that they could not possibly be of help to anyone.

And so it is for the homosexual strugglers - as he or she grows in their understanding of their true identity in Christ so they will make a great contribution to the life and ministry of the church.