Early years

I am 38 years old, have been married for 10 years and have two children. My journey has presented many challenges, and looking back I can see that the difficulties started quite early on in life.

I always knew I was 'different'. I had trouble fitting in at school, in fact in life in general. I was a tomboy, daddy's helper and some of my closest friends were boys. I didn't think it abnormal at first that I developed crushes on many of my female teachers. I studied hard and was an achiever. As time went by I developed lots of interests and made many friends, male and female, but inside I was very lonely and uncomfortable with myself. I desperately wanted people to like and accept me.

I became a Christian when I was very young, before I was 10, and grew up in a Christian home. I had always known that God loved me though I believed Him to have high standards, which I had to live up to. Of course I couldn't attain these so I lived under guilt constantly. I always felt I could do better.

When I went into 6th form I then made friends with Olivia. This relationship was different as I had known her more as an acquaintance for a while but admired her greatly. I liked her confidence and sense of humour and I decided I would get closer to her. We became inseparable friends for the next couple of years. I quickly became infatuated by her and if for any reason she had to cancel coming round I couldn't cope. I would collapse in tears feeling bereft. I certainly had it bad. I never told her how I felt but I soon realised I had a problem when I started fantasising about us kissing. One day in the 6th form common room someone was being teased about possibly being a lesbian and it hit me like a bullet, 'Oh, please God don't let me be a lesbian'. The impact of the realisation had deep consequences for my mental well-being.