University

I did well in my exams and gained a place on a highly sought after course at Bristol University. Momentarily I thought everything was going to be all right. I'd achieved what I'd wanted and God was on my side. My friend Olivia had also been offered a place at Bristol but hadn't got the grades so I would be going without her. Maybe this, the realisation I was gay, and all the stress and hard work of the last year caught up and I went spiralling into a huge clinical depression. I cried out to God and my only source of comfort through this time was in pouring out my heart to God, crying and sometimes even screaming. I read the bible for hours. I was obsessed by my faith, examining whether I really believed. Was God really with me? I ended up leaving university and seeing a psychiatrist and Christian counsellor. My parents were supportive (they didn't at this point know I had same sex issues) but I knew it hit them very badly. I came home and spent 6 months recovering.

By the next summer I was feeling better and we went on a family holiday to France. There was a girl there called Emily and I became instantly attracted to her. She, like Olivia, had an air of confidence about her and I was drawn to her. We spent lots of time together and when her family were due to leave 5 days before us I felt terrible. All I remember about the rest of the holiday was how devastated I felt inside and how I couldn't tell anyone. I knew I had a big problem and I felt desperate.

Shortly after this time I met a guy who was working temporarily at our church. He asked me out and we went out together for about 18 months. However, I soon questioned why I was doing this. I didn't find him attractive and I think I was just lonely. I was recovering well from my depression and went back to university the following academic year. I still wanted to complete my university course and it helped me focus away from the inner turmoil I was feeling. I had counselling back at Bristol. I couldn't tell anyone about the thing I feared most inside - that I was gay - but my counsellor soon guessed and helped me immensely over the next 6 years to start unravelling who I was and how to deal with it. Meanwhile Olivia and I were becoming more distant from each other and when I returned to restart my course, Olivia also started at Bristol but made a different set of friends to me and we soon drifted further apart.

My mental state of mind continued to improve and I enjoyed my studies. My boyfriend Mark came to visit me on occasional weekends but I didn't look forward to him coming. I tried to end it with him several times but he just persuaded me to carry on. I fell head over heels for my next door neighbour in halls (Jemma) and spent the best part of the next 4 years trying to deal with how I felt about her. This time I really was smitten and I wrote about her in my journal. Mark found my journal and read it. I felt so ashamed I actually burnt my diary. No one was going to read about my private thoughts again. This had a devastating effect on me. Mark and I tried to work things out but by this time it was hopeless and the relationship ended.

During my 3rd year at University I attended a weekend away organised by the Proclamation Trust and this was to have a profound effect on my Christian walk. We were allocated to small groups and my group leader asked us all for one prayer topic that she promised she would take away and pray for us. I asked that I would have a deeper understanding of God's grace. Well, I know she prayed because over the next few weeks and months I grew to understand God's love and acceptance of me in a way I'd never previously known. For the first time I was really astounded and blown away that God sent Jesus to die for ME, He loved me that much, and it didn't matter what I had DONE or what I FELT, these were unchangeable truths. I also developed a real love for God's word and a desire to read it instead of it feeling like a chore. These things became two of the foundation stones on which the whole structure of my life, and the way I deal with my homosexuality are built. I came to realise that God had given me the means and the desire to cope. Jesus became the one person I wanted more than anything. Meanwhile, I told Jemma how I felt and it was the beginning of our drifting apart. She took it well but I knew things would never be the same again. I felt then, and often do so now, that I end up sacrificing friendships because I feel the wrong things for many of the women in my life. This is either because I find things too hot to handle so run away from the relationship, or I tell them how I feel and the relationship becomes strained.