Telling my parents

My life nearly derailed in 1991 when I was 23. I met a gay Christian woman called Cath and very soon became attracted to her and the feelings were mutual. This really tested me. Did I believe all the things I'd heard God saying about how He could fulfil my desires and be everything to me? I'd always known God didn't want me to live a homosexual lifestyle but here was the temptation to turn my back on all I had believed previously. Cath believed the same as me, so we both wanted God to be honoured in our friendship and didn't want to get in too deep. However the temptation was very strong. We went out one evening with another friend and I drove Cath back to her house. She invited me in and we spent the rest of the evening talking into the small hours. I'd spent a long time praying before I'd gone out this particular evening and I knew it was a bad move going into her flat and spending time alone with her. When she kissed me I didn't resist but it didn't go further than that. I had such a mixture of emotions. I felt I'd come home, that I was right about my original attraction, and that this was what I had longed for. However I also knew this wasn't what the Lord wanted for me. I'd saddened Him and I knew I could never enter a physical gay relationship, or an emotionally dependent one without offending Him. In the immediate aftermath I knew God to be there; He hadn't left me, but He did want me to repent.

Cath felt God wanted her to leave her homosexual lifestyle. We spent the next 2 years trying and succeeding in maintaining a platonic relationship. This was achieved however only through strict boundaries and avoiding each other. Occasionally when we met the temptation was too strong and we ended up kissing. In the end I had to break contact completely because it became too much for me to deal with and by this time I'd met my future husband and I had his feelings to consider.

Somewhere in all the turmoil of my relationship with Cath I felt the need to tell my parents of my same sex feelings. My parents are Christians and we had a family philosophy of sharing things. I felt there was a growing brick wall between us, and that the way I felt was a barrier. I felt false and unreal and not telling them became an increasingly unmanageable burden. They were stunned and shocked and didn't really know what to say. I told them I felt God could heal me and change me into someone heterosexual, and that I felt sure this was God's plan for me. This is indeed what I felt at the time. As time went by the subject became one we didn't really talk about and I think my parents were under the impression my homosexuality had indeed gone away, especially when I met my future husband.