Reflections

Despite these pressures we've come through. I've been married for 10 years now and have two children. Over the last 2 years in particular God has helped me to be more honest with James about my feelings and it has deepened our relationship. However, I believe that it is still easy in a marriage, even a Christian one, for two people to live parallel lives if they don't share the whole of their lives with each other. God intends the two to be 'one flesh'. The two parties have to be sharing and open with each other in order to grow and become the people that God wants them to be. I'm applying this not just to sexuality now but a whole range of things - hopes, fears, work, money and especially issues of faith. James sometimes asks me if 'I'm OK' with my female friends and I try to tell him if they're 'safe' or not. God has blessed me with a circle of 'safe' friends but I do worry what will happen if I meet someone I become attracted to. Some people may feel uncomfortable with any 'monitoring' or 'censorship' of their friends by their husband and that's why it needs to be a mutually agreed arrangement. James and I are still finding ways to make this work for us and I don't profess to have all the answers.

I am still often scared of the way I feel and I have a long way to go. But I am more able to own my feelings and address them and above all be real with God, my husband and myself. When I look back I sometimes can't believe how I've got here in one piece but I thank God that I have no regrets over the choice I have made. I do still tend to set impossibly high standards for myself, and one thing God has taught me is that I also set the bar high for others, including my husband. My expectations are unrealistic at times and the Lord is helping soften me. Through the weaknesses I have He is making me see others through His eyes, with love and acceptance. The grace He has touched me with is gradually reaching others through me, to His glory.

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in EVERY WAY, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of GRACE with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find GRACE to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16 (my emphasis)

"What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness and the result is eternal life." Romans 6:21-22

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12