Talking to Michael

It was on July 17th 2002 when our son, Michael, came home from London where he now lives and works. We always look forward to him coming home because he is just so good to have around. He is an accomplished classical guitarist and gives us so much pleasure when he gets his guitar out to play for us. Michael and I also enjoy singing together in harmony (at least we think it is in harmony!) and we are often asked to 'do a turn' at larger family gatherings. We had no idea that July 17th would become branded onto our hearts for the rest of our life.

Shortly after he arrived, Michael mentioned he was studying Japanese as his company were dealing more and more with companies in Japan. He went out to bring a book from the car to show us what he was studying. He said, "I've brought you another book I would like you to read too. It's a book on how to tell your parents you're gay!" My world just froze - I stared at him in disbelief. Then I glanced at my husband thinking "Oh dear God what is he going to say?" (Not many years before my husband would not have taken his hands out of his pockets to shake the hand of a partner of a gay friend.) To my utmost amazement he said, "Son, I am a sinner too saved by grace alone". We had recently been studying a book in our home group called The Discipline of Grace . Although it had been hard to swallow at the time of reading, we had learnt from this book that we are all sinners, sin is sin, and there are no differences between our sins.

Anyway, back on July 17th we did some very direct talking with our son, asking him how could he make this decision and still maintain he was a Christian? Michael felt he could. We talked about AIDS, and he assured us his new partner had had an AIDS test and was OK. He told us how much he loved his friend, which was really hard for us to hear. The whole time we were talking I noticed Michael was shaking from head to foot, and I realised how frightened he must have been on his journey to see us. My heart went out to him and we both affirmed our love for him. But we also made it very clear that we could not condone his choice of lifestyle. At one point I said the day would come when we would feel able to meet his friend. I asked Michael just one thing - if they stayed under our roof that out of respect for his Dad and me they would refrain from any homosexual activities. His response was, "Mum that goes without saying".

Our son had told our younger daughter about his homosexuality two years previously. She was concerned about him telling us then because my husband was ill, and also because my son's attitude at that time was a bit "This is what I am, take it or leave it". She advised Michael to wait until my husband was better before saying anything to us, and warned him that his attitude needed to be looked at. So knowing that, Michael delayed telling us until July 17th. My daughter phoned to see how we were just an hour or so after Michael had spoken to us. We have a cordless phone, so I went into the garden to talk. She asked, "How are you Mum?" I answered, "Well kind of numb right now". My daughter said, "I know just how you feel, the diarrhea starts tomorrow!" And she was right!!

On the next day I tried to talk to Michael about the pain his Dad and I were feeling and I asked what he thought we should do about it. He was honest and said he didn't know. But he was confused as to why we couldn't be happy for him, because he was happy now we knew. The physical pain I felt was awful - it was like a knife had been plunged into me, and a heavy weight applied to my chest. I also felt awkward about having to go to work on the Monday morning and behave as though everything was normal. I work in an almost totally male environment where the bad language is rife, as is the opinion of homosexuality. I still find it hard when the tasteless jokes fly around.