Trusting God

There is one particular thing I felt the Lord has showed me which may be of help to other grieving parents. While I stood looking out of our bedroom window one day I felt reassured by the Lord that all that had happened was no surprise to Him. He can cause ALL things to work together for good. I continue to seek to trust Him for the outcome of this word.

The last time we saw Michael was over the Christmas period. We did enjoy his company - he was good enough to get up at 6:00 am to take me to the supermarket on Christmas Eve so that we could get the 'best pickings' before the crowds came! Afterwards I treated him to breakfast in the supermarket, and as we sat there asked him about his walk with Jesus. His first response was "Oh mum, every time I come home you ask me this". I replied, "I know son, but I challenge you because I love you. You are my beloved son, and I am concerned for the fact that one day you and I will both have to stand before the throne of Almighty God and give account of our decisions in life and the choices we make." I also spoke about the cross and the fact that Jesus died a torturous death that we might have life. He then quietly said, "I do believe in Jesus, Mum". I just replied, "Thank you for that Michael, but I must tell you that because I love you, while I have breath I will challenge you from time to time". Then we went to the car, but before we got in I said to him "If ever you see me not walking in the way you think I, as a follower of Jesus, should walk, or if you ever hear talk come out of my mouth that you feel is wrong, I give you full permission to challenge me too!" He put his arm around me and said, "I will Mum!" Maybe I shouldn't keep challenging him - I don't know, but I do ask the Lord to help me not to do or say the wrong thing. I'm very good at giving my opinion and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and I am aware there are times when I just have to be still and let God do the doing and the saying, while we do the praying.

The reason I am writing this is not for people to think what a good Christian I am. Believe me, I'm not! I so often fall very far short of what is required of me in the Christian walk, so I take no credit for anything that God chooses to do in our son's life. I still feel the initial pain from time to time. For instance, it was just after Christmas when all the family were with us. I walked down to the village and on my way passed the home of Christian friends. They were outside saying goodbye to their eldest son and his new wife who had spent Christmas with them. They called out "Hello Ruth! How are you?" Everything was so 'normal' and I responded "Fine!" But once again I felt the crushing pain in my chest, and the tears of crying out "Why God?"

It is now the end of January, and since Christmas I have slowly learnt to pay heed to the advice given by our Pastor and our friends from Scotland. Sometimes it's remembering what they have said to us that keeps me sane in the days that I feel crushed with pain. The Lord has promised that if we come to Him when we are weak and heavy laden, He WILL give us rest. I have found too that it helps to stop listening to the lies of the enemy about how we must have failed as parents (as I have said, we are not perfect!) and I try not to continuously concentrate on my heartache. It helps to start counting my blessings - I am always amazed at how many I have once I start to count, including the joy of being a Mum to a delightful, gentle, caring and loving son.

In two weeks time Michael is bringing his friend home to meet us for the first time. Our elder daughter has met him and tells us that he is really nice. We are sure he is, and we are trusting in God to help us through this time. We want to make them welcome, but we have reminded Michael of his promise about their relationship when they are in our home and he was quite happy with that.

What do my husband and I want? I suppose if we are honest we really want to wake up and realise it's all been a bad dream! We do pray daily for Michael and his friend. Our desire would be for them both to turn to Jesus, to make Him Lord, and to decide to lead a celibate life. But that decision can only be made by them as they stand before the One who gave His life, that we may ALL be forgiven for our sin.

Finally, I would like to share the following quote from the book "The Discipline of Grace" by Jerry Bridges:

"Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace."