An emerging struggle

It was in this setting that another problem began to emerge, albeit slowly. From an early age, I remember strong emotional feelings rising in me when I was around certain people. One memory is of an older boy, who was tall, athletic and confident, whom I found, in a curious way, 'attractive'. When our playtime together had to be cut short, my feelings of disappointment are better described as total emotional devastation; I was about eight years old.

As I grew older, a very strong emotional dependency was developing as I sought to find my identity and fulfilment in people around me, most often older boys. While boys of my own age had friendships, this appeared to be something of which I was incapable. 'Friendships' lasted a very short time. The need for a deep emotional bond was very real - and the feelings were getting more intense as I got older. Having no sisters, going to all-boys schools' and spending time in the all-male environment of a local Scout troop, did not help.

Is it any wonder, then, that a sensitive, independently minded, emotionally needy and somewhat brutalised young teenage boy should find that becoming a 'sexual' creature in adolescence was a deeply bewildering experience? While so many of my friends at school were talking about girlfriends, an awful reality was falling on me like a shadow - I was struggling with strong and intense homosexual feelings that were crippling and far beyond my ability to control.