Hearing from God

I will begin the story in August of last year, when we were on holiday celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary. I was due to preach at the church we attend on the Sunday following our return, and spending some time preparing and praying. The greatest desire of my heart was (and still is) to see God move mightily in our congregation to set people free and change lives from glory into glory. People sometimes seem so reluctant to let God move upon them and give them a testimony to proclaim: but the World needs our testimonies and to see what God can do. Preaching on our freedom in Jesus always was one of my favourite topics.

I felt God speak to me; "If you want me to move amongst the people at the church, how much are you prepared to let me move in your life?" I knew immediately what He wanted to touch in me, but after so many years I had learned to live with the way I was. I knew though that if people at church knew what I was, I'd feel exposed. I felt so hypocritical, preaching on a Sunday and giving way to such "secret" sexual sin all through the week. For masturbation is that very secret of sins. Yes, I'd learned to live with it. I wasn't held in the grip of guilt about it. After all, all blokes do it, don't they? I'd tried to stop before but with no success, why should it be any different now?

But I felt God say; "I'd like you to give it up for me, as a response to my love for you. You don't have to, but I'd like you to." How could I refuse, when He asked that way? I knew if I did refuse, I'd feel increasingly hypocritical preaching about freedom, and sooner or later, would find I could no longer preach the messages I was burning to preach. So I asked Him; "How? I've tried before, but after a few days I fail."

"Why have you failed in the past?" I felt Him say.

"Because there was no one to help me and encourage me."