Lessons from God

A few days after I met with my friend, I was to see a stunning example of God's timing. Little did I know that Channel 4 was about to start its re-run of "Queer as Folk" - a great challenge to my new resolve; as masturbation was not the only issue in my life. God wanted to do more than that: Most of my masturbation was focused on homosexual lust and my desires for men. I began to realise that the masturbation fed the lust and the lust the masturbation. It was a vicious circle that I needed to break. As a child and a teenager until I was saved, I was headed for a homosexual lifestyle. I had had a number of experiences with boys my own age from the time I was 6 up until 18. God had rescued me from this when He saved me. He gave me a wonderful wife and a successful Christian life, but inside the longing and lust were still there. Without His intervention, I could be dead of AIDS by now. By His grace, it hardly intruded into our marriage. I truly loved my wife and was totally committed to her, no other woman held any interest for me, but I lusted after so many men. She knew about my history before we were married. The only thing she didn't really know was just how much a battle I was constantly fighting. One thing that blessed me though, was that I was never lusting for another woman, in a sense, homosexual lust was easier to live with. It was obvious now that my next meeting with my friend would have to contain greater revelations than those of the previous week. However, God had a few things to show me about myself first:

1. He was with me in the battle. I had expected great difficulty in avoiding temptation with such attractions on the TV. Generally that week, I just felt an assurance of victory. It got a bit more difficult later.
2. He led me to Jeremiah 17 v 9. "The heart of a man is desperately wicked and deceitful above all else. There is no cure." I realised for the first time that God wanted me to admit to myself and to others that I (my old man) was gay and always would be. Previously, I had clung to the scripture that God only made male and female. That is true of course; God doesn't create homosexuals, but I was using it as an excuse to deny what I was. Why I was that way, I don't know, and it is quite irrelevant to me. I had to admit the truth, and it would set me free:
3. My old nature is gay and always will be - BUT my old nature has to be reckoned dead, for my new nature is alive to Christ and cannot be that way. The trick is in living in the new. I had always thought the old man needed to be cured. But there is no cure. The old man has to die, not be fixed.
4. He asked me to write out a list of the reasons I masturbated:

• I longed for things I had never done. I regretted never having gone deeper into homosexual relationships than I did. My teenage encounters had never been very significant. How stupid!
• I yearned to do things I knew I would never do. How futile!
• It was easier and more convenient than making love to my wife. How selfish!
• It released tensions caused by disappointment, frustration and rejection in my life. How lazy - God can do that much better.
• I had developed a fear of impotence recently, and had to test things. Couldn't Satan come up with a better lie than that?
• It was just something I did automatically when I was alone late at night. What lack of control!