The beast

I can't remember how old I was when I first encountered him. Maybe he was always there; maybe I just refused to acknowledge his presence. I can tell you that I was about thirteen when he first sought me out. I recoiled in horror when he first slipped unbidden into my mind. This wild beast was not welcome in my home. But once I saw him, he became impossible to ignore. His name? Well now I call him by his true name - the name that gave me power over him. Back then I thought I knew his name. It was whispered as slander in the halls of my school, spoken in hushed tones on the evening news, it was a name to be feared; to be reviled - a name to avoid at all costs. Homosexuality.

As time passed he became more insistent, he hunted me in my sleep, came without asking into my dreams, and hung like an angry predator over my every waking moment. 'Worldly Wisdom' was my counsellor then and he was a constant noise in my ears.

"The beast will not leave; you know. He is here forever. He is the King of Beasts - more powerful than anything else you may encounter. Your only chance for survival is to embrace the monster. For if you do not he will tear you apart with rage and lusts until life is unbearable and suicide the only solution."

I tried to avoid the beast, but once I glanced squarely upon him I became the Hunted. I knew fear, I knew anguish, I knew self-loathing and hate. I was torn apart with rage and lust, life was unbearable and suicide, suicide taunted me - tempting me to end my pain by ending my life. It was then I knew that 'Worldly Wisdom' had spoken truth. My only options were to embrace the 'King of Beasts' or die.