Our sexual drivers and programming

As Christians we need to understand much more of what drives our sexual feelings and desires. It is not just the obvious search for love and companionship. It connects with many other issues, including our sense of value and identity. My experience tells me that everyone's sexuality is unique, a bit like a fingerprint. The computer jargon may sound a bit corny, but our 'sexual drivers' are there because of the 'programming' our life experiences and relationships have influenced. This accounts for the uniqueness of our sexuality. As Christians we need to stop conforming to a world that feels secure behind a sexuality label, even a 'Christianised' one. When I first became a Christian I struggled to find a label that fitted. Saying, "I am homosexual", implied being sexually involved. Calling myself "A non practising homosexual" sounded as if I had given up trying to get it right! Saying, "I am ex-gay", sounded slightly dishonest. Nowadays, if I choose to share anything about my sexual feelings and desires, it will be not just as a label.

If the 'drivers' and 'programming' for homosexuality are unique for every person, what are the major influences?

Relationships with our parents are usually cited as the root for all our ills. Who would be a parent these days? I'm sure there are lots of joys in parenting, but also lots of anxiety and frustration. "How can I stop them making the same mistakes I made or how can I make sure they don't end up like me?" No one is perfect and our imperfections, or probably more fairly, our insecurities and fears influence and affect the very people we love most. I find it helpful to see these influences in terms of messages given and received. Messages received are not always what were intended to be given. For example, John loves his son Mark and wants the very best for him. He wants him to be a better footballer than he was. In a sense that would not be too difficult as John was not good at football and lacked confidence. When he sees a similar lack of confidence in his son Mark he puts pressure on him to do better. John also finds it difficult to be affectionate with Mark. He fears being rejected and retreats into his own private world. Mark's mother (Susan) has a strong personality and attracts his attention in a way his father does not. She spends a lot more time with him because of John's heavy job commitments.

The messages we received from our same sex parent or parental role model about our value and personhood are especially significant. This person is 'our standard' to whom we look for permission to 'be who we are'. This person can also give us 'permission' to be different. It needs to be a positively affirming relationship. The message John was seeking to give Mark was, "I love you more than I love myself!" The message received was, "I can never be what he wants me to be!" Susan's strong personality attracted Mark and he withdrew even more from John. As Mark grew up, he started to admire other guys with a strong personality and wanted to be like them. Eventually these attractions became erotic. Mark's homosexuality was not, however, caused simply by his lack of affirmation from John - many children in similar situations do not develop homosexual feelings. Likewise, his strong mother was not the only cause of Mark's homosexual feelings, nor even his father's absence at work. It was probably a complex combination of all these factors and others, maybe even influenced by some genes. However the result is that Mark, like most of us, has a degree of low self esteem or image. One expression of this is his homosexuality.