We often talk of our need to have faith in God, or simply of 'having a faith'. What about God's faith in us? As I write my own story, it reminds me not only of my frequent lack of faith but also how much more faithful God has always been to me.
Early in 1972, I was completely immersed in a homosexual lifestyle. I had no desire to change and felt quite happy and secure. My many homosexual friends were loyal and kind to me. Most of my sexual relationships were casual, although there had been some long term partners. If I felt depressed and lonely, I knew I could turn to them for love and support. My life was dominated by sex. I was promiscuous. Sex seemed to be the way into a relationship, which I hoped would be faithful and secure. I didn't feel guilty. I had a vague idea there might be a God and therefore prayed, probably as a safeguard against misfortune. I also kept my fingers crossed and didn't walk under ladders - just in case!
A newcomer became a part of my circle of friends. He seemed a bit confused about the whole idea of his homosexuality and was certainly very new to the social scene. He told me he was a Christian, and seemed filled with uncertainties about the rightness of homosexual sex. I thought he was simply very new to the whole idea and would change once he has been around for a while, but I was attracted to him, physically and to his gentle humility.
One night, alone on my way home from a gay pub, I was feeling a bit depressed and started asking God, "Am I falling in love yet again? – I know he's not interested in me sexually." A voice within me seemed to be saying, "I have brought this friend along for you!" I suddenly felt a surge of joy and hope. Maybe this new friend would be the 'perfect love' I had often searched for? It also struck me that, if this voice inside was really God, I should start taking Him seriously and seek to please Him. "If I don't" I thought, "He may change His mind!" I started learning more about what it means to be a Christian, and why Jesus died for my sins. I remembered the liturgy at school church services, which mentioned Jesus dying on the Cross for my sins. I assumed it meant that I could do as I pleased, within reason, and still get to Heaven. I had never tried to understand it or even accept it as a mystery, but now I began to appreciate that sin is anything which displeases God. I also saw, for the first time, that my sins separated me from God, because of His Holiness. Now I accepted that Jesus, as God and man, was the only person pure enough to pay the penalty for the sins of the world, including mine. I could not say then (or now) that I fully understand this mystery of God's love, but His story of redemption in the Old and New Testaments, began to make much more sense to me.
MY LIFESTYLE CHANGED quite dramatically and I became convinced, through Scripture, that homosexual sex was wrong. Initially this was through reading Matthew's Gospel. In the light of Jesus's morality and lifestyle I found it difficult to believe that He would be happy with my homosexual relationships. Paul's words in Romans and Corinthians simply affirmed this for me. I was given a strong determination to turn away from sexual temptation, firstly in case God took my new friend away, then as I became more involved in a Christian lifestyle, the Holy Spirit changed the desires of my heart and many attitudes and ideals were transformed. Whilst my new Christian friendship was an incentive at first, he moved away and I knew that Jesus must be my 'first love'. I experienced a tremendous peace and security knowing the Lord was now in control of my life, which was running very smoothly, with lots of exciting experiences of God. Even my gay friends seemed to accept the situation and my clumsy efforts to convert them, although they didn't seem to understand what had happened to me. They kept in touch, but I found it difficult to identify with them because our lifestyles were now totally different. Following Christ seemed fairly easy and straightforward, without any sexual problems and frustrations. I felt safe enough to be open with my new Christian friends about my homosexual background. I felt fulfilled emotionally because I could now love other men, without it becoming eroticised.
Sometimes other single Christians would share with me their sexual and emotional struggles. Whilst I would try to appear sympathetic and understanding, yet underneath I could not really identify with their problems. "Surely, I thought, they should be able to experience Jesus' Victory, like me." I know that some of this lack of real understanding and my judgmental attitude came across to people I met.
THEN AFTER FOUR YEARS AS A CHRISTIAN, I struggled with homosexual feelings and temptations. I was shocked and horrified, but my attitude towards others changed quite dramatically. I was beginning to learn a lesson in humility, a bit like the 'thorn in the flesh' the Apostle Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. This was to be a part of my healing, in terms of wholeness, as it helped me understand more about myself, God's Grace, and other people. This has been a familiar pattern in my story. If I cannot understand a person's feelings and reactions, I become judgmental. Then I find myself in a similar situation! Jesus is helping me understand, and therefore be more of a 'whole Christian'. It is all part of God's unique work in my story.
True freedom Trust was founded in 1977 as I wanted to share with other Christians struggling with homosexuality what I had learnt and was learning. There was also a need for the Church to have more understanding and compassion. I was amazed to find Christians prepared to travel hundreds of miles just to meet another Christian who might understand their struggles and conflicts with homosexuality and Christianity. Sometimes they wanted God to completely change their sexual orientation. Often they were Christian leaders, but even if not they were terrified of any other Christians knowing about their struggles.
"I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!" This had been the cry of my heart for as long as I could remember. When sexual frustration started to enter my life again, there were times when I longed to be hugged - to be held and to hold another person. I had experienced something of this in one relationship, but it was short lived and opened up areas of my emotional needs which seemed difficult to resolve.
I was now involved in a Christian ministry (TfT) sharing with others my ongoing healing and growth, emotionally and sexually. I was meeting Christians from many different backgrounds and situations. Some were expecting God to completely take away their homosexual feelings and replace them with heterosexual ones. It was often said to me, "Well, even heterosexual problems are at least 'normal'!"........
I don't think God sees it that way!
I met Christians who experienced some heterosexual feelings for the first time. Others had only been aware of heterosexual feelings, but then in a specific relationship felt overwhelmed by homosexual ones. Human sexuality seemed much more complex and variable than many people realised, myself included. However, it became clear that sexuality and emotional needs were inextricably linked. This was not only true in the development of sexuality, but also in the way it was expressing itself in the present. Every person's sexuality is unique, a bit like a fingerprint, because our experience of life and emotions are unique. Likewise emotions and sexual feelings are not static. They are changeable.
I am, by nature, very shy and at one time to hear my own voice speaking to a room full of people (even my own room!) was terrifying. Now God was putting me in situations where I had to talk to hundreds of people, and many of them were very angry and militant. It was not easy, but I realised I was afraid of what others might think and could not justify that in the light of God's love for me. It was pride (a form of self idolatry) and not accepting the love of God.
As I sought to help others with the help I had received from God (2 Corinthians 1:3-7), I realised how much I needed to share my story with others. It was a part of the healing process in terms of being made more whole as a person. God had created the need in me to give to others, and be valued and affirmed. There have been many times when I felt the most unlikely person to help someone else. Perhaps in a particular situation I wanted to hide rather than help. The problem is I can't! God has thrust me into the situation! I have no choice in the matter! Then, to my amazement, I find not only have I helped someone, but that God has clearly made sure that I would. He had chosen me! - weak, incompetent me! – not despite my story, but because of it.
Then I felt encouraged, blessed and stronger in my own walk with the Lord. I felt even more loved by Him. My story's ministry to others has ministered to me.
Throughout my life as a Christian, I believed very strongly in the importance of deeply committed Christian relationships as one of the ways in which God wants us to bring His healing to others and to ourselves. In this way, emotional needs are met, hurts healed and insecurities made secure. We can only relate to a limited number of people on that level. Jesus, it seems, was even especially close to just three disciples, although He loved them all. When TfT started, a very godly sister in Christ said that I needed a 'brother in Christ with whom to share a fellowship in the light... never to make any decision without this brother knowing'. She also shared the tremendous spiritual battle in this area of ministry (how true I now see that to be). For a long time, all this talk about relationships was based on some experience, but was mainly ideology. However, many TfT supporters recognised my deep rooted emotional needs and loneliness in the ministry, and prayed that the Lord would provide such a Brother in Christ.
Several years later, this seemed fulfilled when such a brother was provided and we worked together in the ministry. He was a married man with children, who originally contacted us for help, but had always believed that one day God would use him to help others struggling with homosexuality.
This family, my father and myself all made a 'family commitment' to each other, and God amazingly provided a large house. The vision being that, as we experienced God's healing through meeting one another's needs, so people would see God's love in action through us, and be inspired to find such relationships themselves.
There were difficulties and blessings. A lot of my insecurities, through past hurts, came flooding to the surface. I was often demanding and possessive. We sometimes felt like giving up, but ultimately worked through a lot together. It was especially wonderful to have such a close sense of family bonding and 'belonging' as we walked down our own paths of healing and growth with the Lord Jesus - individually, and yet together.
Then, tragically, the marriage broke up. The pressures and strains of a husband and wife battling with deep inner hurts, low self-worth and his homosexuality, became too much, even though they still loved each other and their children very much.
My best friend decided he could no longer go God's way. He continually felt a failure as a Christian, even though he knew the theological answers to that. I had always felt a strong sense of oneness, bonding and identity with him. We were different in many ways, but believed in the same things and were seeking to love and serve the same Lord Jesus. Sometimes this bonding and identity seemed nearly destroyed but at times there was some hope and encouragement that it might be renewed. A multitude of feelings like hurt, despair, betrayal and confusion, often irrational, became a part of every day life. I understood and yet didn't understand why he could not turn to the Lord in his despair. I felt helpless, inadequate and sometimes even guilty that I had no right to be hurting. If often seemed easier to abandon these relationships and start all over again, but the Lord continually challenged me about the commitment I had made. The story was becoming a tragedy. Why were so many wives and husbands struggling with homosexuality in their marriages now contacting me? How could I help when everything seemed to be going wrong? I found I could help because now I understood so much more, from both partner's perspectives.
I worked at sharing my feelings with God in ways I had not really done before. I experienced the truth of God's love in a real way, because I made the choice to accept it, rather than depending on my feelings. I had often paid 'lip service' to the fact that I can only find my true security and identity in Jesus as my best friend, but it started becoming more real for me. He was the only person with whom I could be totally honest, whose response of true love I could trust. Often I would receive a very simple truth of God's love in response to my sharing with Him. – "Martin, I am here... I will never leave you or forsake you... Trust me." I was allowing my mind to tell me the truth of God's love for me, rather than simply waiting to feel it. God was speaking His Truth, but I made the choice to listen. I knew I could not depend on feeling or experiencing God's love, because feelings are influenced by my hurts, insecurities and low self image.
I was challenged by my friend's situation, his hurts, longings and loneliness. The questions his feelings raised encouraged me to find at least some of the answers in my relationship with God and share what I was learning within my own ministry. The tragedy for me always being that the person I longed most to share in this growth experience could not do so.
Because of this, I have grown to understand much more of God's love, of other people and of myself. I know that without doubt the ways to overcome loneliness involve working at the deeper issues of self, which make a lack of identity, feelings of emptiness and loneliness a problem. I need to find that sense of security in the only perfect person, Jesus. Then I can work at meeting my legitimate needs for other people - to love and be loved.
As I work with God in these areas of my life, I can and do experience the reality of 'not being alone' - 'not being single'. I 'belong' to the Lord and to some special people. Growth and change are a part of my journey. Sometimes changes in my feelings and experiences are not good, sometimes they are. They always have value because they have been allowed by God. I cannot always understand this mystery, but I can accept it. I know the truth of God's faithfulness and I experience it. My story has value because it is God's unique story with me. It is continually changing and never completely predictable. It is my part in His Kingdom.
Your story also has the same value to God and to us.
Martin Hallett, September 1998.
Martin's full story can be read in his book 'I am Learning to Love', available on loan from the TfT office.