There has always been considerable debate over how our sexual orientation develops, with almost everyone having a slightly different viewpoint. Many, having been aware of homosexual feelings since childhood, assume we are born with our particular sexual orientation (ie it's genetic). One of the arguments put forward suggests insufficient androgen and testosterone cause homosexuality to develop. Before the sixth to ninth week of pregnancy, the male and female foetus develop with female genitalia. Then a male foetus (XY) demands androgen which transforms the ovaries into testicles, which produce testosterone. This causes the penis to develop instead of a clitoris. In contrast, in the female foetus (XX) cortisone hormone blocks the effect of the androgen and it is argued that if this doesn't happen the female child will have some masculine traits. But does insufficient androgen and testosterone necessarily cause male homosexuality, and insufficient cortisone female homosexuality? The answer is no - whilst some women with masculine traits and men with feminine ones do have homosexual feelings, many do not.
In 1991 a San Francisco neuroanatomist claimed that in the brains of dead men he examined, a cluster of cells was twice as large in homosexual men as in heterosexuals. The media pronounced, "A gay gene has been found." However the, so called, "homosexual" men had died of AIDS and there seemed no conclusive proof they were actually all homosexual. It is also assumed the brain does not change, but its neural networks are changeable. Therefore, the reason for the differences found in the study may not have been simply genetically determined but caused by other factors.
Even the American pro-gay organisation "Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays", in a booklet addressing research on Homosexuality and biology, states:
"To date, no researcher has claimed that genes can determine sexual orientation. At best, researchers believe that there may be a genetic component. No human behaviour, let alone sexual behaviour, has been connected to genetic markers to date." (1)
It is often assumed that if homosexuality is genetically determined, it is a part of our humanity which should be expressed. However, even apart from Christian morality, there are inconsistencies in this thinking. For example, if this is true for all sexual feelings, people are therefore born to be paedophiles. Few would argue this makes paedophilia acceptable. Furthermore, our moral choices as Christians will often be different from social norms and are determined by God's word (Rom.12:2; Matt.16:24) not our genes.
I firmly believe our sexual orientation and feelings are a product of a highly complex process of human experiences and development. The roots of this developmental process are found very early in childhood. There may well be some genetic component, which influences the way we develop sexually, but even this is difficult to determine for sure. We are born with up to nine months of experiences within the womb, and as part of our mother's body we have probably received messages (positive and negative) about ourselves and the environment from our mother's emotions.
It must also be appreciated that everyone's experience of life, and response to it, is different, especially in the area of relationships. This means that just as our personality is as unique as a fingerprint, so is our sexuality.
We all need to experience unconditional love and affirmation from parents or parent figures of both sexes. It is from these early influences that we start to gain a sense of 'being and belonging'. As babies we need to know that the world into which we are coming, or have come, wants us and that we have unique worth in that world. It is our parents (or parent figures if our natural parents are not around) to whom we will look for this love and affirmation. The messages we receive about ourselves from these relationships are crucial, but they are also affected by circumstances. There may be factors, outside anyone's control, which affect, distort or even prevent us from receiving messages of love and affirmation from our parents.
The same sex parent (or parental role model) is the major source of early self acceptance. The messages we receive from this person should be positive ones of unconditional love. In other words, even if we differ from them in personality and interests, we are still affirmed. However, if there is a deficit in the intimate bonding with the parent of the same sex we are likely to withdraw from that relationship to some extent - Dr Elizabeth Moberly(2) calls this a 'defensive detachment'. She adds that this detachment from the parent or parent figure of the same sex may also be accompanied by a closer attachment to the parent of the opposite sex.
Problems in this early bonding process often begin to lead the person down the road of homosexual development. Of course, it must be remembered that parents have also been hurt to some extent as a result of their own life experiences, and this could make it difficult for them to express to their children the love they really feel. Sometimes their own low self esteem motivates them to encourage their child to be the person they would have liked to be. If they do feel a sense of achievement themselves, their child may be encouraged to follow the same path. Sometimes this means the message the child actually receives was not intended. A parent may love and value their child tremendously, but 'apparent demands' result in the child tending to feel unaffirmed.
Unforeseeable circumstances in life could also have meant that one or both parents were not available at particularly important times. This may not have been their fault at all, but it is still likely to be interpreted as rejection in one form or another.
With so many factors involved, no one is immune from life's circumstances and relationships possibly affecting us in this way. We all respond to them differently. Perhaps this is where our genetic make up plays a part?
As we relate to other children the initial messages we have received about ourselves will affect these relationships. Sometimes our childhood friendships will confirm negative or positive feelings we have about ourselves, sometimes not. We may find it easy to relate to other children and feel very positive about it all; on the other hand we may have real difficulties in believing we are acceptable and therefore tend to withdraw from relationships, becoming a loner. Either way, the roots of our early development will have been a strong predetermining factor.
The process of finding our sense of 'being and belonging' will continue through childhood and into adolescence. If we feel secure and happy about ourselves we will not long to be different, but negative root messages received may encourage us to envy others. As we develop into adulthood and become aware of sexual feelings, the person to whom we are attracted sexually will probably be quite significant. It is quite likely to be the person 'I would like to be' or the person 'I would like to have been' . In other words, our relationships in childhood and adolescence will have affected the type of person to whom we are drawn, and to some extent it is the 'child' or 'adolescent' in us that is still reaching out for a sense of 'being and belonging'. The unmet emotional need within may be looking as 'a child' for another child - perhaps another teenager, often for someone about the same age, or a father type figure. The possible permutations are endless, but will reflect much earlier messages we have received about ourselves and other people. In other words, there is a strong link between our sexual attractions and our life story or experiences. This may be true of all sexual attractions or desires, but is especially significant in homosexual ones.
Everyone is affected by life's experiences and relationships. No- one has a perfect self identity or self image, and homosexuality is only one way in which a low self image is expressed. Many people have experienced some of the emotional deficits mentioned and do not have homosexual feelings. Others, with homosexual feelings, are unaware of the developmental problems described. Sometimes the roots of homosexual development are less obvious and perhaps more securely buried.
There should not be the mystique surrounding the topic of homosexuality, when one realises the fundamental roots of its development are common everyday human experiences. This should help us recognise that no-one can say for sure that he or she will never experience homosexual feelings - none of us have been completely free from all emotional deprivations in childhood and beyond. Therefore, sexual feelings are not necessarily fixed or unchangeable. Some homosexuals discover heterosexual feelings for the first time and some heterosexuals suddenly experience homosexual feelings.
Richard: "I am twenty-four and a Christian youth worker. Most people say I'm good at my job in the church. I've struggled with casual homosexual encounters but never been in a relationship. I believe, as a Christian, both are wrong, but even for a moment the sex makes me feel a bit loved. I know in reality it isn't true, but I usually feel such an unattractive person. I know in theory God loves me and people say I'm quite attractive but I seldom feel it. I tend to be a perfectionist but always feel a sense of failure. Homosexual behaviour makes me feel even worse about myself. It's a vicious circle - the loneliness and frustration seems to drive me to the sex and then I feel even more lonely and frustrated."
Richard had a mainly happy childhood although there was some loneliness. His father was often away from home on Christian work and he still feels some resentment about this. Although as an adult he was pleased his father had been involved in the Lord's work, the 'child' felt he didn't have the time for him and was not therefore worth very much. In reality his father did love him very much and longed for him to be more successful than he felt he was himself. However this put subtle pressure on Richard to achieve. In other words his father's lack of self worth had affected him. Richard's mother seemed unhappy and insecure about her physical appearance. She found it difficult to believe that any man would find her attractive. Richard's father had been especially handsome, but because of his low self worth found it difficult to express love and affection towards his wife. This compounded her problem and she therefore invested a lot of emotional capital in her relationship with Richard.
Having received all these mixed messages about himself from his parents, it's hardly surprising that Richard's longing for self acceptance developed into homosexuality. Richard's teenage years were especially lonely. He buried himself in his academic work, and feared relating to other teenagers in case he was rejected. He longed to have the lively wit and strong extrovert personality he saw in some of his teenage friends. As an adult, Richard has strong sexual and emotional attractions to good looking, fun-loving men with strong personalities, warmth and sensitivity. He is, in a way, looking for the teenager that he always wanted to be.
Anne: "I'm forty, unmarried and involved in the pastoral and counselling ministry of my church. I was involved in a lesbian relationship as a teenager, but homosexuality itself doesn't cause me a lot of problems. I have experienced much inner healing in my life, but I still struggle with emotional dependency with some women and I guess could be tempted homosexually in certain situations."
Anne can remember being loved and affirmed by both parents. She had a sister fourteen years older, who died a few years ago. Anne idolised her sister and wanted to be like her, even though they didn't have a very good relationship. Although her sister was superficially very good to her, she actually seemed to resent her being around. Anne's sister was very close to her mother and she became jealous when Anne looked like taking her place in her mother's affections. Anne was therefore rejected by the person who had become her 'role model'. This caused problems with her self identity and self worth. The reason for Anne turning to her sister rather than her mother in this vital self growth process, was probably because of her sister's strong charismatic personality. Her parents' own background and lifestyle seemed dull to Anne when compared to her sister's.
Anne needed to be released from the bonding with her sister and set free to be herself ('her own person'). She has begun to find security in her own identity rather than seeking to find it through someone else.
This involves working with God and other people to meet the unmet needs of the child and adult, and to overcome the problems which prevent this happening. It must be an ongoing process of growth and development which will never be completed until we are with the Lord Jesus in Heaven. It's not a process of growth unique to those with homosexual feelings, but something we should all work at, with God. Walking down this road means we learn more about ourselves and God. In particular, we discover our real sense of identity ('being') as the negative messages about ourselves are transformed and we begin to understand the truth of what has happened, and continues to happen, in our lives.
Sometimes sexual feelings change as a part of this process, but often they don't. However, whatever sexual feelings we have today or tomorrow, we can be sure our Heavenly Father longs for us to be fulfilled in His Kingdom and not sexually frustrated. We must look beneath the 'presenting problem' of sexual frustration (however it may be experienced) and see the underlying issues. What are they telling us about the way we see ourselves and God? Our sexual feelings should be a catalyst for growth and healing. They are a vital part of our story and value in God's Kingdom.
* Richard and Anne's stories are fictitious, but very typical of those who contact TfT for help.
(1) 'Why Ask Why' - Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
(2) 'Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic' - Dr Elizabeth Moberley (James Clarke)