Growing Together :
The story of a married couple, Roger and Carol

Roger's story .....

It was out of desperation I told my wife I was struggling with homosexuality. We had been married for six years, had three young children and were not unhappy together. However, I had been living a double life for too long and could no longer live with my confusion and dishonesty.

Having had much involvement with homosexuality since early teens and having been a Christian for a longer period, I found the truth about myself deeply painful. At last it had all become too much to cope with. I had been running away from the truth and had hoped being married and having a family of my own would bring an end to my struggle. Initially it did, but the distress of finding that the old ways and desires still had me in their power was overwhelming.

How could I carry on? How many times did I pray for strength and change in my life? In many ways I was disciplined - highly involved in church life, prayer and bible study. Yet I had little insight into my behaviour or needs and to seek help seemed unthinkable. I could only imagine rejection as the response to my plight.

But God had heard my cry and seen my need. In His time, He brought me to the end of my secrecy and fear. I saw a reference to a Christian Counselling ministry for homosexuals in a Christian newspaper, and eventually I sought help for myself via the TfT office. An early suggestion was to share my problem with someone and the advice was repeatedly to tell my wife.

I lived with the seeming impossibility of this for a time and then in great fear told her. Looking at the severe pain I caused her and realising something of the damage caused by deceit and sin was awful.

How we got past that stage, I do not know. Neither of us had friends or family, or a Christian leader we felt we could share our pain with. The only consolation for my wife, was that I was determined to find a way out of a sinful lifestyle. We had no clear guidance how we should proceed and at first there seemed no clear way ahead.

In the next few months, I spoke to the new pastor of our church. He gave me loving support and encouragement and was faithful in praying for me. He was also available for both of us if we needed him. However, he realised his lack of experience and put me in touch with someone who had worked through similar problems to my own and was several years further on.

The sudden death of my father, whose relationship with me as a child and young man had left me unsure of myself, often feeling unaccepted and insecure, brought me into a period of intense grief. Now I realise the two years I spent in tears every time I thought of him, were not just as a result of separation, but grief for what I had never known - the warmth and security of my father's love and affirmation.

Through these years, our marriage was developing as we began to understand each other more. We had attended a study day on homosexuality - and the brave people who testified to God's work in their lives, along with helpful teaching, brought us both into a greater understanding of what had happened in my life. As a result of that day, I pushed for a local support group for men and women struggling with homosexuality. This group was a great help to me and many insights into the Biblical understanding of sexual brokenness and God's healing power have grown in me through the times in the group.

We have since this time faced major trials, greater than any before. The details would fill pages. But all we know is that God has kept us. We are both confident that His word is true. He is faithful, He loves us more than we can imagine and every detail of our lives has been carefully planned in love.

Someone we never dreamed we could open up to, has become a wise confidante and spiritual counsellor and has faithfully supported us and prayed for us.

As far as our marriage goes - we know each other better, we love each other and believe God has brought us together and will keep us together, if we walk with Him. There are many things we don't know, but we do know He is able to meet all our needs and He will keep us.


Carol's story .....

We had been married for six years and God had blessed us with three children. I felt our marriage was a happy one, not without its ups and downs like most marriages, and perhaps weak in the area of communication, but a busy lifestyle didn't help this. However, I was quite unprepared for what my husband was about to disclose to me.

We had our usual busy evening with the children and when they were finally all tucked up in bed, my husband said, "Come and sit down, I want to talk to you." My heart missed a beat! There was such a seriousness about the way he said it, but I had no idea what was to follow. He went on to tell me about his homosexual feelings and the battle that had raged inside him since his teens. Often these desires were so great that they led to homosexual acts. He explained that this area was still a great problem for him and his hopes of the problem receding after our marriage were unfulfilled.

I amazed myself at my initial reaction. I was able to sit quietly and listen to what he had to say, realising that it was a very hard thing for him to do. I felt compassion for him, but after listening carefully I left the room and was then overcome by all kinds of feelings. I felt shocked, cheated and full of self pity. I was now unable to feel sorry or compassionate for my husband as I was completely taken up with working through my own anguish and pain. I spent hours crying and was so distraught that first night I had to sleep in the single bed in the spare room. I couldn't believe I could have been married to him for six years and never know that he was struggling with such strong feelings. This probably shows a lack of insight on my part, or a good cover up on his part, or both!

For months after the initial disclosure, our marriage relationship deteriorated. The whole area of homosexuality had come up like a brick wall between us. I couldn't face the physical sexual side of our marriage for some time, as my mind flooded with all kinds of things.

My husband had help from TfT and he gave me many leaflets and books to read. These all helped me to gain a greater understanding of homosexuality and to realise that it was a sin like many others sins, but not necessarily any worse. "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23). My husband wanted to gain victory over this area of sin, but I came to understand that it would be a long, hard journey. It was helpful for me to think of it as an addiction. A behaviour that was ‘learned' and a cry for love that was lacking in his relationship with his own father.

It was suggested that he be honest and share with me when he was going through difficult times. This didn't really work, as when he was struggling with homosexual feelings and temptations, he couldn't really talk about them and sometimes when he did, I reacted in an unhelpful way by recoiling from him. At times I felt despair, as for a while all would be well and then suddenly we hit difficult times again. As I considered the Lord's long-suffering and forgiveness, I felt challenged and recognised that I needed to forgive again and again and be more understanding and compassionate. The struggle had been long and hard, but by God's grace and love, He has helped me through and strengthened my faith and our marriage as a result.

My husband was involved with a TfT support group and for a long time my feelings fluctuated about this. I was pleased that he was receiving help, but felt angry that all the attention was focussed on him and that no-one really seemed to care about me. This wasn't really true, but appropriate help wasn't available.

I have now worked through a lot of my feelings and by God's help corrected wrong attitudes. I now feel a great concern and pain for others struggling with homosexuality. Naturally I have a particular concern for wives whose husbands are struggling in this area, for I recognise that being able to share the pain with someone who understands really helps.