SEXUALITY - A GIFT FROM GOD?

A Telling Letter

I recently received an e-mail from a member of TfT who found a letter on the Internet from a disillusioned Christian, who said........

"Last year I went through a 40-week intensive course on overcoming homosexuality through a local charismatic church. You couldn't have found anyone more intent on change than me. I loved God more than anything on earth, and if my homosexuality displeased Him then it was worth it for me to seek change. After all I had been a leader in the church and even an overseas missionary. If anyone was going to do it, it was a super spiritual hero like me.

The support group during the 40 weeks was wonderful, deep, intimate, and very cathartic. However, when the course ended, I was not an inch closer to a heterosexual orientation than I had been when I began the journey.

A few months later I found myself standing in my bedroom with a bottle of pills in one hand and the telephone in the other. I was making a life and death decision to kill myself because my homosexuality displeased God and yet there was nothing I felt I could do to avert my feelings. I figured in God's eyes it was better to take my life than to put God through the agony of watching me walk into the gay lifestyle, the only remaining choice I felt I had other than death.

Fortunately the friend on the phone helped me to choose life and I have been engaged in the very slow and uncomfortable coming out process. I have been dating men and I have never felt so wonderful about myself. My closest Christian friends are actually happy for me because they were so concerned about my deep depressions, which have all but vanished now that I have embraced my true feelings. And yet I still cannot reconcile my sexuality with my faith and I feel like I am lost and cast outside of God's Kingdom.

I feel that given my choices the only reasonable alternative was to be a gay man rather than a dead man."

The TfT member himself wrote......

"I have been in contact with TfT since 1993, and over the last three years with Courage. It has been so good to share with members, make new friends, have great fellowship and draw so much from conferences, books, testimonies etc. They have been 'safe havens' to 'be myself', something you cannot always have on your own doorstep because society and the church on the whole still rejects gay people. However at the end of the day, I too feel no closer to heterosexual orientation than when I first contacted you. I still cannot reconcile my faith with my sexuality and often feel like giving up too. There have been times in recent months that I have felt so low and on the point of desperation. I have not been in the 'gay lifestyle' or had sexual relations with a man, but my gay feelings have been so intense recently, and if it was the time, place and person - who knows... I do know that if I did fall in this way, I would find it so hard to live with myself, because of my sensitive, honest nature, and would become another statistic.......

I'm not sure if I am alone in feeling this way - somehow I guess there are lots feeling like this. I know there are no quick answers, solutions etc. so all I can ask is that you pray for me and for others in my situation."

Both letters express a tragic, but not uncommon situation. Sadly, some Christians will view the first as simply an act of disobedience and a following of 'fleshly desires'. Whilst there is an element of truth in this, the letter also shows the desperate pain and frustration of the author. God has not created us to hate ourselves. The sadness and frustration I felt on reading both stories was in wondering if they would have been very different if a more positive Christian attitude to homosexuality had been encouraged. I don't mean through embracing a more liberal theology, but in seeing their homosexuality as less of a handicap and liability and more a part of their value, witness and ministry.

My Sexuality is my Ministry

I guess it may be easier for me to see my sexuality as a part of my value, witness and ministry when I spend most of my life talking to Christians about it - and get paid for doing so! However, when I look back over my Christian life it has always been that way, even before TfT. I did not become a Christian in order to escape from or be 'cured of' my homosexuality. I was happy with it in lots of ways. For me, becoming a Christian meant seeking to avoid sexual behaviour (ie sex) but also opened up exciting opportunities for learning more about love and more about myself. I am so grateful to my pastor at that time, Canon Roy Barker, who sought every opportunity to utilise a person's unique background and experience as their value and witness within the Body of Christ and outside it. For example, a few years earlier, Cliff Richard was visiting Merseyside to share at an evangelist's meeting. Roy seized the opportunity to organise a private meeting between Cliff and local pop stars of the 'swinging sixties'. Likewise, when I came along - hardly a superstar! - Roy had me speaking to the young people at church about my sexuality and organised a 'consultation' encouraging church people to have more understanding of the issue by hearing my story. A couple of non Christian gay friends of mine invited themselves to the meeting, not realising I was the speaker! I wonder if Roy's intention was not simply to bring more understanding of the issue but to encourage me to feel a valued part of the Body of Christ.

I believed I was expressing my sexuality by simply being honest with people about it. I did not feel celibacy meant being denied love, so my previously promiscuous lifestyle was replaced by developing affectionate male relationships, without sex. Sexual temptation was not a problem for the first three years, which probably made honesty with other Christians about my sexuality much easier.

After many years of good and bad experiences, I no longer emphasise same-sex relationships with other Christians as the major solution to the problem of loneliness and homosexual frustration. Although we have been created to love, and to receive love from others, human relationships can easily become our major focus for self worth, rather than God. In many ways these relationships may seem to help, but they can open a minefield of other issues, because sexual attractions (often denied) are involved. Physical affection may be wonderfully therapeutic but can also be a 'slippery slope' towards accepting some genital expression as legitimate, especially when the 'feel good' factor is high on the agenda. We can soon convince ourselves that sex is not harming us (or anyone else) when love is involved, and therefore believe it does not offend God. I believe God's reason for saying 'no' to homosexual behaviour is not because it may hurt or harm us or anyone else, but because it does offend His ideal for the sexual act. In other words, homosexual sex is not primarily condemned for sociological ('feel good') reasons but for theological ones.

Do we Seek a Change of Orientation?

Many Christians believe this is always the desire of God's heart. I'm not convinced by that argument, but equally nor am I convinced God wants us to struggle with our sexuality (homosexual or heterosexual). Perhaps one of our problems is a difficulty in accepting the uniqueness of God's nature. We say, "His ways aren't our ways" but do we really accept that? Jesus gives various reasons (circumstantial, physical, emotional and perhaps sexual) why some people will not be married and therefore be celibate (Matt 19:11-12). But He does not go on to say God wants to change that for them so they can be married and have sex. We will never fully understand the mystery of God's ways. He hates sin and suffering, but allows it. He has ultimate control over Satan and has destroyed him, but still allows him some influence and wants us to fight against him. Our minds cannot fully understand this, but we are called to accept it and seek to obey our sovereign God.

Having said that, we know many people do experience changes in their sexual orientation, which is sometimes a result of working at self image issues in various ways. Ironically, some even become aware of heterosexual feelings for the first time, when they accept their homosexuality! Perhaps this all has to do with the 'low self image root', which I believe usually drives homosexual desire. Accepting oneself, including one's homosexuality and seeing it as a part of self worth, therefore takes some power away from the longing to be 'someone else'. Instead of searching primarily for my value in the person 'I would like to be, or have been' I am free to desire someone who is 'different'. Clearly that does not always happen and if we desire to become heterosexual, perhaps we should ask ourselves why? Maybe it's because of one of the following three reasons :-

1. We desire marriage and children - this is perfectly legitimate.
2. We fear a lonely old age - marriage doesn't necessarily prevent it.
3. Heterosexuality make us feel more acceptable - it does not make us more acceptable to God.

A Church Problem

Sadly the message often given by the church seems to be, "You will only be acceptable if you are married with 2.5 children." I wonder if in a sense we are echoing a worldly view that says we all need a sexual relationship. Because many Christians rightly believe the only place for sex is within marriage, the pressure is on to help everyone get married. If homosexuality seems to prevent it, every attempt is made to help homosexuals become heterosexuals - then they can be married and have sexual fulfilment. The fact of there usually being a lot more women than men in most churches, probably helps to motivate some people to change homosexual men! Maybe some of these comments are not entirely fair, but they carry a lot of truth.

An Asset or Liabllity?

Most people who contact TfT view their sexuality entirely in terms of a 'problem', 'handicap', or 'liability'. It is seen simply as something to struggle with and defeat, rarely as a vital part of their value. I believe our emotions and sexuality are closely linked. They have developed in a unique way through our unique experience of life. This means they speak to us about ourselves and help us to understand others. God has allowed our emotions and sexuality to develop in this unique way, in a sense, as our 'story' - God being the 'storyteller'. If we are saying our stories, including our sexuality, are not valuable, we are telling God He can create or allow something that is not valuable. If we believe that, it's hardly surprising we doubt our own value. I believe we must accept our value, even if we don't 'feel' it - anything less than this is dishonouring to God. We can 'unwrap the gift' of our sexuality by accepting it, understanding it, and perhaps even hearing what God is saying to us through it. If we can see the value of the gift to us, personally, then it must be valuable to others, also. It can lead us to know more of God's love and forgiveness. It can help us to know and understand others. Of course, like many feelings and experiences, it can also be a liability and cause big problems for us and to others. However, nothing is impossible for God to redeem.

As I said earlier, that does not mean we cannot work at issues that may result in a change of sexual desires, problems and maybe even orientation. What we do need to question is our motive in doing this. Is it to obey God or help us feel more acceptable? Are we willing to honour God by accepting the value of our story, including our sexuality, as it is today - not what it may or may not be tomorrow?

The Body of Christ Needs You

Are you willing to allow your unique story, including your unique sexuality, to be a living, functioning part of Christ's Body on Earth? I believe, as we learn to know our own unique value, we can encourage our brothers and sisters in this way, also. This may seem radical for many Christians who believe their real value and ministry will be tomorrow, when 'the problem is 'sorted'. Certainly that's what many people say to me about themselves.

Many liberal Christians claim to find freedom and acceptance when they embrace their sexuality, which for them also involves sex. They then say, "I thank God for my sexuality." I cannot agree with their sexual moral choices, but perhaps our more conservative Christian response would be taken more seriously and even be a more positive witness, if we can say, "Yes, I can thank God for the gift of my sexuality!"

Martin Hallett, June 2000