I can't remember how old I was when I first encountered him. Maybe he was always there; maybe I just refused to acknowledge his presence. I can tell you that I was about thirteen when he first sought me out. I recoiled in horror when he first slipped unbidden into my mind. This wild beast was not welcome in my home. But once I saw him, he became impossible to ignore. His name? Well now I call him by his true name – the name that gave me power over him. Back then I thought I knew his name. It was whispered as slander in the halls of my school, spoken in hushed tones on the evening news, it was a name to be feared; to be reviled – a name to avoid at all costs. Homosexuality.
As time passed he became more insistent, he hunted me in my sleep, came without asking into my dreams, and hung like an angry predator over my every waking moment. 'Worldly Wisdom' was my counsellor then and he was a constant noise in my ears.
"The beast will not leave; you know. He is here forever. He is the King of Beasts – more powerful than anything else you may encounter. Your only chance for survival is to embrace the monster. For if you do not he will tear you apart with rage and lusts until life is unbearable and suicide the only solution."
I tried to avoid the beast, but once I glanced squarely upon him I became the Hunted. I knew fear, I knew anguish, I knew self-loathing and hate. I was torn apart with rage and lust, life was unbearable and suicide, suicide taunted me – tempting me to end my pain by ending my life. It was then I knew that 'Worldly Wisdom' had spoken truth. My only options were to embrace the 'King of Beasts' or die.
One solitary, still, small voice, whispered in the furthest recesses of my brain that my thinking was faulty, but what could I do? 'Worldly Wisdom' was the only counsellor I knew back then and his voice reverberated through every book, every article, and every piece of information I could find. And so, in fear, I faced the wild beast and extended a hand in friendship. I expected him to lash out with a mange-ridden paw and claw my hand to shreds, but what followed was far more painful. He padded imperiously forward and made his lair in my heart. He breathed his fetid breath on my face – I tried to recoil in horror and revulsion of being so close to something foul, but 'Worldly Wisdom' was instantly behind me preventing me from running and whispering his advice into my ear.
"Breathe him in. Breathe him deep. His breath may seem noxious, but in truth it is sweet, so sweet that any other breath is harmful to you now. You will live forever intoxicated by the beast, for to deny him is to deny yourself. He is you. All that you are, all that you can ever become, comes from him."
The heavy, sickly fumes enveloped my senses. Nightmares filled my brain. The horrors of unwelcome; deformed lust filled my mind. At first I was disgusted, but slowly, imperceptibly, I changed. Nightmares became Dreams. Dreams became Longings. Longings became Cravings. Cravings became Necessities. And Necessities? They became Rights.
For a while I thought I was happy.
But there was one, solitary voice of discontent. I tried reason. I tried ignoring. I tried drowning out the voice by repeating the words of 'Worldly Wise' like a mantra – "To deny the beast is to deny yourself. He is you. All that you are; all that you can ever become, comes from him."
But still the voice spoke on.
"What if..."
"Are you really the beast?"
"What if 'Worldly Wise' only spoke half truths?"
"Do you know that the Enemy prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for prey?"
"Can you see? Can you see that I love you?"
Slowly I began to see. I saw that who I am, was more than just the beast, just Homosexuality. I saw that if the beast was driven off, I would not crash to the ground, I was held together by something far stronger than the King of Beasts. More fearsome than the Lion. More satisfying than the lusts that coursed through my body. Slowly, slowly I began to listen to another counsellor.
The wild beast roared out his anger and his contempt. The longings and lusts became untamable. Nothing would satisfy him. The lion refused to be satiated. His bestial longings tortured me on my bed, filled my every waking moment; he refused to be ignored. He treated my body with contempt, as a plaything for his pleasure and fulfillment. I no longer mattered. I screamed out in desperation, but 'Worldly Wisdom', my constant companion was silent. Friends could not understand. Books never mentioned this. Suicide once again danced seductively in my mind. Finally, in an act of desperation I turned to the only voice that had ever spoken love to me.
Everything changed in an instant that seemed to last forever.
The beast, the usurper for the throne, leapt with a cry of anger, rage and fear from the lair that he had formed in my heart. Another counsellor took his place. Another lion.
At first I was euphoric. The beast had gone – forever it seemed. Life was a summer's day. This new master was a joy to satisfy, not cruel and demanding but loving. His company was a pleasure, his breath truly was sweet and his voice, his voice was a symphony.
But...
But the beast, the other lion was still there. Out at the perimeter of the lair, prowling, lurking, breathing his nightmares into me as I slept. His claws of lust still scraped my heart, the cravings he had instilled were still coursing through my body. I was convinced that my new master would fight the beast to death. A bloody battle that would forever kill the desires that Homosexuality had poisoned my life with. But my new master – the Lion of Judah – just sat contentedly in his lair within my heart and seemed unconcerned.
There was one small change.
In the light of day, as I looked at the beast with eyes full of new understanding I saw that he looked different. He was slightly smaller, still as fierce and as noisy as ever but he looked weaker in the light of summer.
And his name?
I can't explain what I felt when I first heard his new name spoken to me by the Lion of Judah. When his voice spoke in symphony the new name, the true name of the wild beast that skulked outside, I knew that this was more than just a new name. Homosexuality became Same Sex Attraction. An issue of identity became an issue of temptation, just one issue among many. The beast howled in anguish as once again his size diminished.
And now?
All this happened years ago. Almost another lifetime ago. The other lion is still out there, lurking, skulking, hunting, terrorizing and taunting. 'Worldly Wisdom' is still there too. Lying and deceiving. Sometimes I am almost convinced by his words. In the dark of the night, when depression flirts with me and tries to become my mistress, it is then that the other lion slinks forward and tries to reclaim the lair in my heart.
At other times, when I bask in the warmth of summer and raise my voice to join the symphony of the Lion of Judah, in these times the other lion's voice is more like an annoying yapping than a lions roar. He becomes just an irritating nip at my heels.
I do not know why the Lion of Judah did not fight and kill the other lion. I don't understand why he sometimes lets the other lion breathe his fumes on me, when at other times he banishes him with a growl as soon as he appears. I have stopped asking such questions. Their only purpose is to confuse, and in that confusion, the other lion tries to restake his claim.
But this I do know.
This promise, spoken to me in the still of the night, as the Lion of Judah sang me to sleep.
This I know.
The other lion? The wild beast that once claimed me as its own?
The other lion will be turned into a poodle.
Peter. Aug 99