by Lori
Rentzel
An event most people are totally unprepared for is the
discovery that someone close to them is gay. Whether the confession of gayness comes from a son or
daughter, husband, wife or a close friend, the reaction is often the
same: "What do I say to
them now?", "How can I help?" and sometimes, "Could I be
partly to blame for this situation?"
This article was written in response to hundreds of
letters, phone calls and personal encounters with people who have gay loved
ones. It is designed to help
non-gays deal with their responses to gay people and with their own reactions
to homosexuality, and to encourage Christians who are interested in
ministering to gay and lesbian people.
Dealing with Homosexuality in a Close Friend or Relative
Perhaps the most traumatic way a person can encounter the issue of homosexuality is by learning of the gayness of someone close. Yet, this is a common occurrence in families today: a son or daughter comes home from college and tells their parents of their involvement in the gay lifestyle or a married businessman with children confesses to his wife that he's been actively homosexual for several years. Every situation like this is different, yet there is one thing in common: the person hearing the news is faced with some choices of how they are going to respond to the gay individual. Whilst recognising the confusion and bewilderment that can overwhelm someone at this time, here are a few guidelines on "how to respond" to the person who has informed you of their homosexuality.
Remain as calm as possible - The discovery of someone's homosexuality usually sets off an emotional reaction of panic that makes you think the whole world is falling apart. It's not. At this point, it helps to focus on the question, "What does this person need from me now?" This initial disclosure is not the time to dwell on your own fears and insecurities. There will be plenty of time to deal with those things later.
Communicate acceptance - Don't reject the gay person! This individual needs your love and acceptance at this point more than they've ever needed it. You may be feeling totally bewildered - as if that lovable, familiar person who you thought you knew so intimately has suddenly turned into a monster. Rest assured, they haven't. With as much acceptance and grace as you can come up with (prayer is essential here), re-affirm your love for this person. They don't need rejection or harsh, angry lectures.
Love unconditionally - You
are probably wondering, "But isn't homosexuality sin? Don't I need to tell him/her how
wrong it is?" Yes, but
we'll get to that later. The main
thing you need to have your energies directed towards now is loving
that person unconditionally.
It won't come naturally in most cases, so you'll have to be calling on
God and drawing strength from Him.
Loving confrontation - Most
people would tend to put this step first, but substitute the word
"angry" for "loving". That is why we stress the need for affirming our love and
acceptance of the gay person. It
is sin, and it results in sin's destructive effects on the individual and on
those close to him/her. After
you have successfully communicated your love and acceptance and the person
knows that you are not going to withdraw your support, you are ready to share
your own viewpoints. This is
especially true if the person is a Christian. This can be done in a gentle way, taking care not to
"beat them over the head" with Scriptures.
Instilling hope for change - Along
with loving confrontation, you need to hold out an alternative to homosexual
activity. This comes from the love of Jesus Christ and His power to redeem
and recreate the individual.
It's good to have something concrete to give them: some tapes they can
listen to, the phone number of someone who has faced similar issues, or a
brochure from a ministry to gay/lesbian people.
Be part of a supportive community - The
initial disclosure and response is just the beginning. The person with homosexual problems
is going to need faithful, consistent love and support. The gay world is full of change,
instability, unkept promises and broken relationships. You can provide a listening ear, a
place of warmth, security and wholesomeness that sin can't offer. Practical things you can do include
verbally telling them you love them, writing letters of affirmation, phoning
periodically, or inviting them into your home.
Dealing with your own Reactions to Homosexuality
When another person tells you of their gayness, it may
seem that the uniqueness of their situation causes your own problems to seem
rather inconsequential. However,
your first encounter with the subject of homosexuality may result in some
distressing and confusing reactions on your part. Don't feel guilty for having problems of your own. Most people do have some difficulty
dealing with the confession of gayness by someone they care about. Here are a few tips to working
through these reactions:
Don't take it personally. This is a common reaction. Sometimes, a gay person will be
disclosing their past with the intent to hurt you or get you to share the
blame for their current situation.
This is not usually the case, and it is just as likely that the person
shares with you in an attempt to become closer. Either way, try to look at their homosexuality as a simple
fact: "This is how it is." It is not something intended to hurt you, incriminate or
embarrass you, or to be a statement about you in any way.
The problem of "taking it personally" is
especially felt by parents and spouses of gay people. They are particularly vulnerable,
because some of their actions may conceivably have had some influence on the
situation. But in reality,
homosexuality is a condition with such deep extensive causes that one
individual can hardly hold themselves responsible for "making another
person gay." It will help
if you get this firmly established in your mind. You are not to blame for your loved one's
homosexual problems.
Dealing with questions about your own sexuality - An
almost inevitable result of learning about the gayness of someone close to
you is that you begin questioning you own sexual identity. Most people have a number of fears
about their own sexuality to begin with, and these fears will probably rise
to the forefront at this time. Some will even ask themselves, "Do I have
homosexual tendencies?"
A common problem we encounter in counselling is fear of
homosexuality, otherwise known as homophobia. For many people, the fear of
something is greater than the thing itself, and some will involve themselves
in homosexual activities just to rid themselves of the fear of
being gay.
Another aspect of the homophobic reaction, one which is
just as common as questioning your own sexual identity, is the reaction of fear,
repulsion and disgust.
It is out of this type of reaction that words such as "queer,
poofter, pervert and dyke" come into use. Some people, upon learning of the homosexuality of someone
close, will actually become physically ill and be sick. These violent emotional and physical
symptoms are a normal reaction to homosexuality. However, a message that many Christians are reluctant to
learn is that it is NOT ACCEPTABLE to allow the attitudes behind these
feelings to remain part of your life, influencing the way you treat people
from a homosexual background.
It is amazing how Christians who wholeheartedly believe in
treating alcoholics, prostitutes and even murderers with the love of Christ
will see a couple of gay people walking down the street and say, "Look
at those two poofters!"
What is even more amazing is that these Christians will feel
completely justified in having this attitude! But such an attitude towards those with homosexual issues
is NOT alright with God. God
does judge and condemn homosexual acts and the gay lifestyle, but Christ
never treated those caught up in sexual sin in such a debasing way. Consider how Christ treated the
Samaritan woman at the well and the woman caught in adultery. While the Pharisees, the religious
men of that time, looked on such people with contempt, Christ forgave them. Although He confronted them with
their sin and in no way condoned it, He was more concerned with meeting the
needs of their hearts and setting them free to live productive and fulfilling
lives.
This is the attitude we need to take in ministering to
those with homosexual issues. If
you don't have such an attitude, and you are overwhelmed with
feelings of fear and repulsion, be honest with yourself and God! Bring these things before God in
prayer, asking Him to give you a change of heart. He'll do it!
It may take time though.
Be patient with yourself and persistent in prayer, and you will
see changes.
Dealing with the Grief Process
Some (not all) experience the gayness of someone close as
a devastating, traumatic experience.
The reasons why it hits some individuals this way and not others are
not clear-cut. The fact remains
that for some, this is an experience that can leave as great (or even
greater) an impact than if a close friend or relative has died. In fact, it
is not uncommon for a person to go through the same grief process that occurs
when someone dies; the sense of loss can be that great. This is actually what triggers the
grief process; the realisation that something or someone of extremely great
value has been irretrievably lost to you in some capacity, maybe forever.
To give you an overview of what is involved in working
through these emotions, here is a brief look at each step in the grief
process.
1. Shock,
Denial and Disbelief - When we desperately wish something were not
true, we may subconsciously refuse to acknowledge it. A person may minimise someone's
confession of homosexuality: "It's not such a big problem, it is bound
to go away in time. Let's just
forget about it and hope they never mention it again. It's probably just a stage.", or
even, "They're not really a homosexual".
2. Emotional Release - Once reality begins to hit,
there may be many tears and overwhelming emotions. The best way of coping with this is to let yourself feel
these things and express them, but try not to unleash them on the gay
person. It would be better
to tell the person what you are feeling than to shriek at them
or tearfully accuse them.
3. Depression and Isolation - These symptoms are
pretty self-explanatory and are usually accompanied by self-pity over the
loss, which leads to feeling cut off from others.
4. Physical Symptoms of Distress - These can be most
perplexing and highly varied, ranging from extreme headaches to chest pain,
nausea, and difficulty in breathing.
One woman complained that her "teeth itched", another walked
around for a year feeling like she had swallowed a lead golf ball. You won't die though. You just feel like you will.
5. Panic
- When you can think of nothing else but the loss and can't concentrate, you
are in the "panic" stage.
A mother who found out her son was gay said she felt like she had the
word "homosexual" going around in her head like a broken record.
6. Sense
of Guilt - Basically, this is where you review in your mind all your
previous contacts with the person thinking, "Where did I go wrong? Where did I fail them?" This can be fruitless unless you ask,
"What can I do now?"
7. Anger and Resentment - "How dare they do this
to me?" This question hits
us after the initial sorrow wears off.
Actually, it is a sign that we are healing. When a sick person is recovering from a prolonged illness,
they begin complaining when they start feeling better. This means the road to recovery is
under way. It can be a healthy sign,
as long as we don't dwell on it and become bitter. Get it out and move on.
8. Resist
Returning to Normal - Here is where you realise that "life goes
on and so must I". Still,
there is a hesitancy to leave the problem behind and move on. Grief has been like a blanket, a form
of security. It's not easy to
abandon it.
9. Hope
Comes Through - One day you wake up feeling better. Usually, it is more like you notice
that several days have gone by since you noticed the pain. Maybe you've been so busy with other
things that you haven't had time to notice the loss. This is the key sign; your focus now
turns outward instead of inward.
The problem is there, but the personal hurt is gone.
10. Struggle
to Affirm Reality - Life is back to normal for the most part. From time to time, the memories or
realisations will sweep over you.
In the case of homosexuality, the person is probably still around and
there may be occasional crises to deal with, but it's not the same. Everything has receded to a much more
rational perspective. You have
somehow (thank God!) got through this thing.
In his book Parents in Pain (IVP), John White
writes about “knowing when to let go - the art of relinquishment”. Here are
some helpful points he makes:-
To understand what
relinquishment is, we must first understand what God is like
and what is the essence of His relationship with us. As He is to us, so must we be (as far
as possible) to those close to us.
Relinquishment does not
mean that we abandon the person or neglect our responsibilities
towards them.
It does mean forsaking the
right to be proud. We
can't demand that this person fulfil our dreams for them.
It does mean being willing
to forego any repayment for what we have done for this person.
It does mean giving up our
right to respectability.
We can pray that gossip will pass us by, but we can't cling to our
right to escape it.
Most important and most
difficult of all, relinquishment means allowing our loved ones to face pain,
tragedy and even death, and allowing them to accept the consequences of
their own actions.
Be Prepared! God May Use You
The experiences you have been through will not
be wasted. God places great
value on endurance through suffering.
In the Old Testament, Moses and Joseph were among those who
experienced great suffering, and the Epistles of the New Testament leave
little doubt about the hardship and pain endured by the apostle Paul. 1 Peter 1:6-7 describes the value of
suffering: "In this, greatly rejoice, though now for a little while
you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith,
of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may
be proven genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus
Christ is revealed."
No one is better equipped to minister in a given area than
one who has "been there".
If you remain open to God and are willing to be used, you will
probably find many opportunities to "comfort with the same comfort
you have received from God".
In fact, the joy which comes from ministering to those in need can be
the greatest tool God uses in bringing healing to your own life!
This article was first
published by Love In Action, USA and is reproduced by True freedom Trust with
permission.