Before beginning this testimony, I must state at the outset that my wife and I have been very happily and faithfully married for 25 years. We have three children, now in their twenties. Our marriage is a testimony to the unity that God desires for all marriages: to reflect the relationship between Christ and the Church. As will be evident, we had to face some challenges, but there is no one with whom I have such unity in spirit and in the one flesh relationship as my wife. We are truly friends and lovers. My wife has had her own challenges, including me. This was one of mine.
I will begin the story in August of last year, when we were on holiday celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary. I was due to preach at the church we attend on the Sunday following our return, and spending some time preparing and praying. The greatest desire of my heart was (and still is) to see God move mightily in our congregation to set people free and change lives from glory into glory. People sometimes seem so reluctant to let God move upon them and give them a testimony to proclaim: but the World needs our testimonies and to see what God can do. Preaching on our freedom in Jesus always was one of my favourite topics.
I felt God speak to me; "If you want me to move amongst the people at the church, how much are you prepared to let me move in your life?" I knew immediately what He wanted to touch in me, but after so many years I had learned to live with the way I was. I knew though that if people at church knew what I was, I'd feel exposed. I felt so hypocritical, preaching on a Sunday and giving way to such "secret" sexual sin all through the week. For masturbation is that very secret of sins. Yes, I'd learned to live with it. I wasn't held in the grip of guilt about it. After all, all blokes do it, don't they? I'd tried to stop before but with no success, why should it be any different now?
But I felt God say; "I'd like you to give it up for me, as a response to my love for you. You don't have to, but I'd like you to." How could I refuse, when He asked that way? I knew if I did refuse, I'd feel increasingly hypocritical preaching about freedom, and sooner or later, would find I could no longer preach the messages I was burning to preach. So I asked Him; "How? I've tried before, but after a few days I fail."
"Why have you failed in the past?" I felt Him say.
"Because there was no one to help me and encourage me."
This was one area where it was just not possible for my wife to be a help-meet to me. Yet one area where I knew I needed someone to hold me accountable. I felt God reminding me of the scripture in James: Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another. I also felt Him suggest to me a person at church in whom to confide about this. Armed with a resolve to speak to him, I returned from holiday.
Oh, how hard it was to do what I'd agreed to do! For weeks, for months, I put it off; thinking I could stop on my own, which I couldn't. Preaching again in early January, with a message about when God speaks, we should be willing to obey, I found myself being the main object of my message. What a hypocrite! The very next day, I once again succumbed to the temptation of masturbation, and finally realised, I had to do what I had agreed with God to do. I went to see my friend and confessed this sin, asked him to pray for me and asked if he would allow me to be accountable to him in this area. He has permission to ask me at any time how I am doing and what successes or failures I am meeting with. I usually tell him anyway, without his needing to ask.
I arranged to see him in another 10 days, and wondered just how or if I could possibly manage 10 days without masturbating. When I became a Christian at the age of nineteen, I more or less cut masturbation down to once a day, but even now, 28 years later was still succumbing 3 or 4 times a week. 10 days seemed a huge target. In the event, it was to be 72 days before I finally gave way.
A few days after I met with my friend, I was to see a stunning example of God's timing. Little did I know that Channel 4 was about to start its re-run of "Queer as Folk" - a great challenge to my new resolve; as masturbation was not the only issue in my life. God wanted to do more than that: Most of my masturbation was focused on homosexual lust and my desires for men. I began to realise that the masturbation fed the lust and the lust the masturbation. It was a vicious circle that I needed to break. As a child and a teenager until I was saved, I was headed for a homosexual lifestyle. I had had a number of experiences with boys my own age from the time I was 6 up until 18. God had rescued me from this when He saved me. He gave me a wonderful wife and a successful Christian life, but inside the longing and lust were still there. Without His intervention, I could be dead of AIDS by now. By His grace, it hardly intruded into our marriage. I truly loved my wife and was totally committed to her, no other woman held any interest for me, but I lusted after so many men. She knew about my history before we were married. The only thing she didn't really know was just how much a battle I was constantly fighting. One thing that blessed me though, was that I was never lusting for another woman, in a sense, homosexual lust was easier to live with. It was obvious now that my next meeting with my friend would have to contain greater revelations than those of the previous week. However, God had a few things to show me about myself first:
All that had to be shared with my friend the second time we met. With his help and prayers, over the next few weeks all this started to get dealt with. It was not always easy and sometimes the battles were quite hard. One night, towards the end of March, I did give in. I had chalked up 72 days. It gave me a new determination to manage to go 90 days. By this time, I had started to share my challenge with a few other friends. As I shared more, the freer I became. Testifying to what God was doing was setting me freer. By this time too, my wife knew what I was sharing and was excited by seeing me entering into greater freedom.
One of the other friends I shared with gave me the scripture 1 Thess 4:1-8. Verse 6 especially seemed to say to me that I was wronging and taking advantage of my brothers by the thoughts I had of them. I repented of this. In fact, I specifically asked one Christian brother for whom I lusted most to forgive me, in a sense, on behalf of all the others.
Towards the end of April, I suddenly noticed I had not had a desire to masturbate or lust for about 4 days. I realised I had come to a place of freedom I had never known before. Not only that, I never even had dreamed such a place of freedom existed. I knew I would still have to face times when it would be difficult, but now I had a new goal. This place could be reached and returned to if or when I fell. I was overwhelmed with joy. I could not believe it. I wanted to testify to everyone about the goodness of God to me. The Son truly had set me free indeed. Why hadn't anyone ever told me this place existed? I can testify to that now. It does! I'd thought if I stopped masturbating, I'd die. Well, I haven't, (or perhaps, I have at last) and most of the time, I really don't miss it at all.
I knew my goal of 90 days could be achieved. That, however, was still too fleshly: in fact, I was trying to do a deal with God. I would cut down to 4 times a year. But God said to me; "I don't do deals, and I hate compromise!" - just another lesson to learn. It has now been 8 months since I last masturbated. I do not know if I have stopped forever. Temptations come from time to time; occasionally far too strongly and too close for comfort. His word says; "Let him who thinks he stands, take heed lest he fall." I now have a very keen sense of sin just lurking at the door, and I have to keep that door shut with His help. I have to guard against jealous feelings against brothers that I know still enjoy the occasional sin in this area for I cannot deny, that often I really enjoyed it.
Overall though, I am so so grateful to God for what He has done in me and what I have learned through the whole experience of living through this challenge with Him. I would not have had my life any other way. He accepts me and so do I. I'm glad I'm gay, or I would never have received the blessings I have in this last year. He has truly been teaching me to boast about, and indeed, glory in my weaknesses. They are His opportunities for displaying His mighty power at work in me. His ways have been gentle and my fears of allowing Him to deal with these things were shown to be groundless. He truly knows our frailties and works with us. I am now so much more willing to let Him deal with other things in me than I ever was before.