The subject of guilt regularly raises its ugly head, both in my own life, and in the lives of many people who contact TfT. I guess it's a subject we never stop learning about. I hope the following thoughts will not be too random, and will make some sense. This article only scratches the surface – a lot more needs to be said.
Many people ask me about demonic influences in homosexuality. I always reply the major area of enemy attack is in terms of self-condemnation. Satan consistently lies to us about ourselves and others. This is seen in almost everyone I meet. Psychiatrists and psychologists agree that two of the biggest problem areas in all our lives are fear and guilt. We all struggle to deal with them in one way or another, both as Christians and non-Christians. The Church and the Christian faith is often accused of encouraging guilt, and I have to confess this is frequently justified. If we believe that God sent Jesus to die in order to remove guilt, as we claim, why do Christians seem to be the most guilt ridden? Certainly, as I mentioned before, it's one of the major problems for those contacting TfT.
It's hardly surprising that so many non-Christians hate us if they fear we have encouraged the agony of guilt that many secular self help organisations see Christians experiencing. There are, of course, many ways of dealing with a guilt problem, including sublimating it, repressing it, denying it - or simply maintaining stubbornly that... "I am not going to feel guilty!"
The repression and denial of guilt often involves 'giving' or 'transferring' it to someone else or to a group of people. We might say, for instance "It's all their fault!" or, if the repressed guilt is encouraging me to feel a failure "This doesn't work... anyone who thinks it does is kidding themselves!"
If these feelings aren't right for Christians, then how are we going to experience the true freedom we so often glibly talk about?
Let's look at some of the deep-rooted origins of our guilt that hurt so much. We know that one of the major root causes of homosexual development is a low sense of self worth and identity. We might say, for instance:
"Who Am I?" - "I feel empty and lonely inside!"
These early roots have continually served to encourage and develop the deep inner pain and hurt of guilt. They originate from childhood where the hurts of those dear to us have also influenced our own lives to one degree or another. It obviously varies in each person's situation. For example, some of us have not been allowed to find ourselves as individuals because of too much emotional pressure from a parent. We have been encouraged to live up to expectations that we never feel we meet. The 'message' we may have received as a result of this is: "You will only be acceptable when you are like this..." We may therefore feel a sense of guilt for not living up to the expectations of others and ourselves.
A parent who has felt hurt can also sometimes demand too much emotional support from the child. This isn't always obvious, but can be a very subtle influence and pressure. The child then believes "I only have a right to 'live or be' for others" or "I always have to please others rather than myself!"
This is often called co-dependency and sadly when Jesus asks us to 'lay down our lives for our friends' this can wrongly be interpreted as encouraging co-dependency. If we continually feel a sense of failure, or we believe we have no right to please ourselves, then guilt becomes a painful and unbearable burden. We cannot be free of it. Perhaps later on in life this can result in anger towards people who make us feel guilty... "You are hurting me - stop attacking me!"
We often become perfectionists and so the guilt of what we perceive as failure is very painful.
A lot of us can identify with this. Even though we know much about God's forgiveness we don't seem to be experiencing it. For many of us the ongoing pain of guilt, even the guilt of not feeling forgiven, can cause us to think about, or actually abandon Christianity, which seems to encourage our guilt problem. In order to overcome a sense of failure, we may even say, "I've tried Christianity and it doesn't work. I cannot live up to its demands!" Perhaps what we are really unconsciously saying is, "I will not feel the guilt of failure anymore. If it doesn't work, then I haven't failed."
In my own life I find the most difficult area of guilt springs from an ongoing situation, rather than resulting from a particular sin. This is probably because I often find it hard to confess my deep feelings to some of those close to me. Yet this type of guilt is probably most effectively dealt with in this way. Sometimes of course, when another person is involved, he or she could be devastated by our confession. We have to be sensitive to this, although it must not be used as an excuse for not sharing!
I find that time spent alone with God and confessing my sin to Him is a very special and precious experience, but I should also be confessing sins to others. (James 5:16). I need to go into this time with the Lord remembering the truth, embedded in my soul, that 'God is faithful and just and will forgive ME my sins and purify ME from all unrighteousness' (1 John 1:9). I need to fight, with my whole being, any temptation to doubt God's forgiveness. If I do doubt I'm calling Him a liar! The Evangelical Sisters of Mary in Germany put a lot of emphasis on the agonising sufferings of Jesus for their sins, and how much it has cost God to forgive them. For this reason they often seem eager to confess in order to experience forgiveness. This isn't in order to cheapen sin of course. Anyone who has met the Sisters and spent time with them, will know the wonderful joy and peace they receive in knowing not only how sinful they are, but also how much God forgives them. If we cannot accept His forgiveness then it is as if we are spitting in the face of the suffering Lord Jesus on the Cross.
"That's all very well... but..."
Many of us, of course, know all this and yet still cannot find freedom from guilt. Some of us only experience freedom part of the time; others find it impossible to feel free of guilt at all.
In these situations there must be some deep-rooted reasons why we are trapped in the pit of guilt and unforgiveness. We certainly cannot escape from the pit by abandoning Christianity. We will probably merely replace it with another experience of 'failure' and react similarly to that. For example, if we try gay or lesbian relationships and find they don't live up to our expectations, we may say, "I've tried gay relationships and they don't work either!"
If the deep-rooted problems for our despair stem from the 'demanding parent' who would not allow us to 'be', perhaps the unexpressed anger and hurt needs to come out. Sometimes it will be the hurt of the parent as well as the hurt of the child, and forgiveness and freedom can be experienced quite dramatically. At times the anger and hurt a person is expressing can seem alarming and thought of as demonic. However it is probably not demonic at all, but simply the hurt and pain of years coming out and being expressed. Sometimes it may surface in a very different situation from where it originated, and something or someone else can become a kind of 'scapegoat'. In these situations the truth of what happened, and is happening, needs to be identified – as does the truth of God's response to it. This would not be the end of the matter of course, because all of us need to experience ongoing healing as we work with God towards the freedom He longs for us to experience. Those of you who know me will appreciate that I am speaking to myself as much as to anyone else!
I sometimes write down the negative thought that I have about myself and then almost immediately expect God to respond. I write down His response from the TRUTH of what I know it to be in my own mind, rather than what I feel it might or should be. This is right for me, because I know if I didn't do this I would take some convincing that it was God speaking. Sometimes, of course, it won't be God who responds to us - it may be our own fears, wishful thinking or whatever. However, I find I can usually tell if it's God or not by comparing it with scripture. For example, one day I wrote in my diary "Lord, I feel so unrighteous." Immediately the response came, "You have my righteousness." I paused for a minute, and then thought "Hey, that's right! ... I'm counted as righteous before God." (Rom.3: 21-22)
Sometimes I try this out with people who come for counselling, and it often brings a smile to our faces. For example, I will say to the person, "OK, so you believe that you are unlovable and unforgiven by God?" He or she often replies a bit hesitantly, "Er... Yes." I then say, "How does God reply to your feelings? Does He really say, 'Yes, you are unloved and unforgiven.'" This is where a smile usually comes to our faces because we know this is simply not what God would say, and yet it's often what we seem to believe! Perhaps we sometimes want to!
Although we dishonour God by clinging to guilt that has been dealt with by the Cross of Christ, it also has a value in terms of making us aware of our sin and driving us to the Cross in order to be free of guilt's condemnation.
If we have hurt another person and have faced up to the long-term damage it has caused, a sense of the pain of the guilt may remain. It will also be important for the other person to forgive us, in order that he or she can be free of the pain of unforgiveness too. This in no way denies our blame or responsibility. However, for both of us to know real freedom, the redemption of guilt through the Cross and the forgiveness of Christ must be mutually experienced.
When I am learning to 'be', and 'becoming' free from the emptiness and pain that fear and guilt bring, I will feel more 'solid' inside with the love, security and forgiveness of the Lord Jesus Christ living within me.
Martin Hallett, March 2001