Stefan is a member of a Baptist Church in Surrey and is a Trustee of TfT. For over 6 years he led one of TfT's Support (Barnabas) Groups and was involved in aspects of pastoral care for the individuals in the group. He has also provided pastoral care for men within his church who struggle with issues relating to their sexuality. This article is based on a talk recently given by Stefan at Tyndale House in Cambridge.
Underpinning the approach of TFT is the desire that what we seek to do, in both teaching and counselling, is in accordance with Scriptural principles. In particular, we understand that although many people may be aware of homosexual or lesbian feelings, homosexual genital conduct falls short of God's plan for His creation. In other words same sex sexual activity is sinful.
Consideration of homosexuality must be framed at the outset by acknowledging the creation order. Genesis 1 and 2 are foundational texts. The importance of the divine image in both male and female, the significance of becoming one flesh in the context of a male and female monogamous marriage, and the creation of the family to enable the bearing of children are all basic building blocks of human life and society. They are supported throughout scripture, regardless of time or prevailing culture, and this foundational teaching is widely quoted in both the old and new testaments. I will mention just two texts:
Leviticus 18:22 reads "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable."
The debate about whether Old Testament texts have any bearing on Christians today has been raging since the time of the early church - some would argue that the eating of prawns is similarly condemned. But where a command is grounded in a creation principle and where it is taken up unequivocally in the New Testament we can be confident that this is a lasting pattern for Christians. (Paul addresses the prawn eating issue in Romans 14:17 when he says, "The kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking.")
Romans 1:24 reads "Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie and worshipped and served created things rather than the Creator who is forever praised. Amen. Because of this God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion."
The passage then goes on to talk about the envy, murder, strife, deceit, and gossip that followed as God gave them over to a depraved mind. It is clear from this passage that all of us have sinned. We have rejected God's self-disclosure in the creation order and turned to idols. We need to find, through repentance, the Grace and forgiveness that our loving heavenly Father has to offer us in Christ.
There are six other verses or passages in Scripture which relate to homosexual behaviour: Genesis 19:1-8 (Sodom and Gomorrah): Judges 19:22 (attempted male rape in Gibeah); Leviticus 20:13 (repeats the sentiments of the Leviticus verse above but adds the death penalty; 1 Corinthians 6:9; 1 Timothy 1:10 and Jude v7 (the latter two both make reference to perversion and can reasonably be interpreted as referring to homosexual behaviour). No other verses refer to the subject and no verses commend homosexual behaviour in either the Old or New Testament.
It should be noted that adultery gets many more mentions in Scripture than homosexual behaviour. The implication of all teaching of Scripture is that sexual behaviour is to be experienced within the context of a marriage between a man and a woman. Sexual interaction between people outside that relationship is sinful and damages not only the people involved but, if they are Christians, damages their relationship with God. Many parallels are drawn in Scripture between physical adultery and spiritual adultery.
It is worth noting that neither homosexuality nor heterosexuality are biblical concepts and owe more to the work of secular psychotherapists than Scripture. Similarly there are no such creatures as homosexuals or heterosexuals - just men and women made in the image of God who, as a result of the havoc sin has caused, experience fallenness in a wide variety of ways - which for some involves sexual desires and behaviours that focus around those of the same gender.
An obvious aspect of ministering to Christians who struggle with homosexual feelings is to encourage them to understand the Word of God as Truth as it relates to their own circumstances. It is clear that sexual behaviour is wrong outside marriage between a man and a woman, but neither does it rank as a sin above all others in a category of its own. Some preaching can leave those who struggle in this area feeling worse than any other sinners, and even more alienated from God and from other Christians than they feel already. An overemphasis on this subject can leave the majority of the congregation with a 'holier than thou' feeling.
A more sensitive pastoral approach is to admit that many Christians may struggle with their own sexuality, but there is help in God's Word for all of them, and God's grace can extend to all. Each individual is valuable to God.
A very common feature of men and women in these circumstances is a sense of great separation from God and other believers - a sense of not being normal and not acceptable to God. Often self-loathing can grip the person – a sense of being beyond help and unable to do anything about their circumstances. But the gospel, of course, has a great deal to offer the individual in these circumstances. At the same time there is a biblical balance to be struck. We must not offer a 'come to Jesus and all your struggles will be over' message. Relief from the struggle may not come immediately. Indeed, it may continue to be a struggle for the person's entire life. God will, however, honour the faithful believer, and as the hymn writer said 'Sanctify to thee thy deepest distress'.
In a conversation recently with someone really having a hard time, I found myself saying that had it not been for my struggle with homosexuality I would not have experienced God's grace in the way that I had. It's part of the upside down Kingdom of Grace - that what seems desperate and incredibly painful can be turned around for our benefit.
As we come to understand the causes of homosexuality perhaps we will understand better the path someone will need to travel to deal with the issue for themselves, and indeed what we can do to offer them help and support. The Bible does not provide us with a detailed answer to the question of what causes homosexual feelings. The world's research has tended to focus on finding a genetic cause, but none has been found to date. It's rather like searching for a gene for a range of sinful behaviours - can we expect a search for the adultery gene to follow? I believe homosexual feelings result from a complex psychological process that originates usually in the early stages of life. An important writer and research psychologist Dr Elizabeth Moberly concluded that that homosexuality is the result of a legitimate same sex need from childhood, which has to some extent remained unmet. Having this same sex need met is a vital factor in the development of self worth, value and identity. This childhood need is to receive positive messages about oneself from a significant same sex role model very early in life: for the boy the father and for the girl the mother. What seems to happen at puberty is that essentially unmet emotional needs become sexualised and so sexual behaviour is seen by the individual as a way of getting his or her needs met. The work of psychotherapists specialising in this field has recently highlighted the dynamics within a family and not just the relationship of the child to the parent of the same sex. The dynamics are complex and just because one person in a family has same sex attractions does not necessarily mean a brother or sister brought up in the same environment will struggle with the same issue.
So when someone is struggling with homosexual feelings what are possible aspects of their personalities and perspectives on life that we should look out for? We must remember that human, and therefore sexual, brokenness involves a distorted self-image
The results of the brokenness include
Some believe that 'healing' or even exorcism may be the answer. Actually a sudden 'quick fix' solution can exacerbate the problem, and for the struggler Christianity becomes just another success/failure exercise. The result can even lead to a reaction against evangelical Christianity and ultimately the acceptance of a more liberal theology. Rather, therefore (as with all severe temptations and deep problems), long-term, patient pastoral care based in biblical truth is needed.
Those struggling with homosexuality have choices about when and what they share about their lives. Many, for a variety of reasons, are very fearful about the response they may receive when they share their problems - some are married and others may have high profile roles in their churches. Whatever the reasons, many will have lived with their problems on their own for a number of years and will often feel deep shame. So when they share - perhaps for the first time with anyone - the first thing you can do to be a help and an agent of God's grace is to give plenty of time to listening to what the person is saying. Don't react immediately and go into problem solving mode. Equally, there may be nothing you feel you can say, but to give quality time to listening with care is an invaluable start. It may be that folk will share in stages, and some of what they say may need clarification – for instance are they talking about just feelings or behaviours as well; are they compulsive; are they in a relationship - all of these facts help form a picture of what sort of help may be appropriate.
For some counselling may be an appropriate source of help in the future. But the immediate concern must be to listen with care and to build trust. Giving the person space is vital. Confidentiality is also important. I have known circumstances when someone shared with the pastor who then shared with the elders, who shared with their wives, who then together decided church discipline was necessary and so the whole church was told. Discipline was not appropriate - the man was repentant and actively seeking ways to address his problems. A welcome back party was more appropriate!
What you may hear may be difficult to cope with. For a number of women particularly abuse will have played a role in their lives (it may also be so for men). In any case you will hear of isolation, poor self-esteem, rejection, abandonment, lack of love, poor sense of masculinity and femininity, absent fathers and mothers, lack of trust, poor peer relationshipsthe list could go on. You might find it useful to contact TfT for advice - one of the reasons we exist is to provide such advice to friends and families.
Accountability arrangements have proved beneficial, especially for those who have been caught up in addictive behaviours. It might be helpful if the person with issues could identify the people he or she would be happy to develop such a relationship with - its best for it not to be the sole responsibility of one person. It is useful for people to be involved who could act as role models - particularly to model masculinity to men and femininity to women.
There are a number of books and seminar tapes available from TfT that can really help people struggling with homosexuality to understand what is going on in their lives and also help them develop strategies for coping better with their struggles. Acting as a signpost to these resources and to a specialist ministry like TfT can be a great service to the individual.
Often some of the root causes of homosexuality can be significantly addressed by strong involvement in church life. Poor self-esteem is helped through being able to use skills and abilities for others and with others. Poor sense of belonging is helped by brotherly and sisterly fellowship. A sense of masculinity is helped by having positive role models who are happy to be honest about their own temptations. The Word of God preached effectively and seasoned with grace assures the believer that God is for them and not against them.
TfT can provide a range of support mechanisms to help the individual believer. These are intended to be complementary to the fellowship of the local church; however some find it too difficult to contemplate sharing their struggles in the church context and so come directly to TfT for help.
There are a number of ways this support is provided:
If someone asks for help and advice it may be right to consider what counselling may have to offer the individual. Clearly people will have different needs and concerns. Some may even suggest they do not want counselling in order to change sexual orientation, but because they want to explore how to live with it. It may be that where there is apparent addictive behaviour and an inability to develop meaningful relationships, counselling may be helpful to explore how such relationships may be developed.
Some pastoral counselling still encourages people struggling with homosexuality to get married. Marriage, however, does not turn someone with a homosexual orientation into someone with a heterosexual one. I would not rule out marriage, because it offers much to people struggling with their sexuality, but it must be entered into honestly with both partners aware of the struggles they both will face as they live with this issue in the context of marriage. Homosexuality is not about ambivalence to the opposite sex, although some may be present; rather it is about a deficit in relating to people of the same sex. Marriage can accentuate the problems. Elizabeth Moberly writes:
'Same sex developmental needs can only be fulfilled by definition in a relationship with a member of the same sex. Heterosexuality may be the ultimate goal but the attainment of genuine heterosexuality depends on the fulfilment of the same sex developmental process. There are no short cuts to heterosexuality!'
So counselling is likely to focus on same sex relational needs, which may include authority problems or difficulties with same sex colleagues at work or church. Counselling will inevitably look at relationships with the parent of the same sex as the counselee. The counsellor should encourage positive same sex relationships between the struggler and people who do not struggle with the same set of issues. As fulfilling relationships develop, so the same sex deficits can be met and change begin to take place.
There may be a need to spend time and effort counselling parents, who may feel guilt ridden. Feelings of anger, shame, grief and profound disappointment are not uncommon. The goal of counselling in these situations should be to encourage a re-building of relationships.
Husbands and wives in marriages where one partner struggles with homosexuality often need counselling. This is a complex area - sometimes men or women are drawn to those struggling with homosexuality for a variety of reasons that they themselves need to work through. The dominant woman marrying a passive man is a classic example, with the relationship entirely dependent on maintaining this balance. Change in sexual orientation will disturb the balance, so there may be some resistance from the dominant party if change becomes a possibility.
Under this heading of counselling one could include the need to counsel or educate church congregations. Is the church truly a community of acceptance and healing, a community of forgiven and forgiving people? The experience of many struggling with this issue is that the support offered by church is only partial. If you share in church many other problems you will be supported, but if you share about your homosexuality, hostility and ostracism can be the result. This is, of course, the reverse of what the struggler needs. Moberly argues that the issue of homosexuality is a testing ground not merely for ethical discussion, but for the very ability to live out the gospel!
Friendship is a major area of relating that is undervalued by our sex driven culture. Yet for each of us, and particularly the homosexual struggler, it has much to offer as a way in which God can show us his grace and unconditional love. The close and intimate friendship of someone of the same gender as the struggler, but who does not themselves struggle with homosexuality, has the potential to powerfully act as a healing agent in the life of the struggler. Issues of insecurity and low self-esteem can be worked through - with warm hugs and positive love so the same sex ambivalence mentioned earlier can begin to evaporate. There is, of course, the possibility of emotional dependence and sexual attraction on the part of the struggler, but in a safe environment these feelings can be spoken about and brought out of darkness into light. From personal experience I have found such friendships to be a very powerful means by which God has dealt with a whole set of problems I have faced. In an age where men are uncertain about what it is to be a man such friendships have a role to play well beyond the confines of a struggle with homosexuality.
The aim in ministering to people struggling with homosexuality should first and foremost be to encourage them in their faith and in their determination to follow Jesus - to listen and respond to God's word rather than to rely solely on their feelings.
As part of that overarching aim we are looking for ways in which the believer may understand the nature of his or her struggles and through prayer, bible study, fellowship and friendship may find ways to live a life of obedience that brings glory to God. We are not necessarily expecting a dramatic transformation from homosexuality to heterosexuality - the journey is towards holiness, as it is for all believers.
Part of this journey will involve suffering, a feeling that God has given the struggler too great a burden, compounded by a sense of alienation from others. Ministry in this context is about helping one another to engage with the mystery of suffering and in all the distress find Jesus - the one who is able to understand our suffering because He too has suffered. False assurance should be avoided as the suffering may not end until the believer reaches heaven - its not right to appear to offer a gospel that suggests that by coming to Christ all our problems will be solved. At the same time the struggler can be encouraged to value their life's experiences and to see that through them God is seeking to draw them closer to Himself.
It is important not to view homosexuality as a core identity that separates people out into a separate category. Rather we should recognise that through our ministry we demonstrate love for individuals made in the image of God who all struggle with many different challenges in their lives. As we involve ourselves with strugglers so we discover that below the presenting symptoms there are far more commonalities between us than there are differences. As we engage in such care we are likely to encounter Jesus who was keen to identify Himself with those who were viewed as untouchables.
We must, however, recognise we will experience disappointment and even heartbreak. Some people will choose to turn their back on the faith and take up a gay lifestyle. The nature of the identity and insecurity issues can be so great for some people that they see no other option than to give in to temptation and find other ways of meeting their needs. We can pray and, of course, offer people a way back should they so choose it at a later time.
On the other hand we will find encouragement as we see God at work in the lives of individuals. Usually it's not dramatic but over a period of years we can see how God brings peace, a new identity, new relational abilities and a positive usefulness for the Kingdom into the lives of those we are seeking to support. God brings us personal blessing through the care we give to others. As well as being encouraged we will see our vision enlarged about what God is able to do. We discover that no one is beyond hope, and we see God use people who previously we thought were so full of problems that they could not possibly be of help to anyone.
And so it is for the homosexual strugglers - as he or she grows in their understanding of their true identity in Christ so they will make a great contribution to the life and ministry of the church.
Stefan Cantore, June 2001