Saturday 9th May 1992 was a dull, blustery day in New Zealand. It was 10 days before I was to go to America for 6 weeks – my first big overseas trip alone – and it was the day my Dad had a fatal heart attack and died instantly. It's a day I'll never forget!
I grew up in a non-Christian home and at that time in 1992 I wasn't yet a Christian myself. Up until that day I had believed there was 'a god' somewhere out there, but now I couldn't see how there could be a god who would allow this sort of thing to happen. I'd never had a particularly close relationship with my Mum, and although I wouldn't have said my relationship with Dad was terribly close either, at least it was better than that with Mum.
It wasn't until after Dad's funeral five days later that I decided I would continue with my trip. As time went on during those six weeks out of New Zealand, and as I grieved for my Dad, I increasingly came to believe there was no god at all. I'd been mistaken all along.
Then, a couple of weeks after arriving back in New Zealand, my Nana died. Although this wasn't entirely unexpected, the wounds from my Dad's death were still very raw, and in so many ways it felt like I was going over the same things I had experienced a few weeks earlier. During this time I lived and worked in a city about four hours from the rest of my family, and so consequently had to go through a lot of the grieving by myself. What I thought was a mental breakdown I now recognise as guilt. Emotionally, it was a very traumatic time and many of the addictions I had experienced in the past started to resurface. I felt like I was going down hill rapidly and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
With having only a couple of friends (really just more like acquaintances) and not having my family around, I certainly felt I didn't have anyone who I could look to for support. However, one outlet I did have was the team of eight people I worked with. My boss at that time was a Christian, although all I knew was that 'she went to church'. For me, you either went to church or you didn't. I had no concept of what a Christian was. This lady, my boss, invited me along to a small group she was involved in that was doing a 6-week study about the Bible. I thought 'well its only six weeks, what harm can it do?' (It actually lasted a bit longer than 6 weeks – 11 years later I'm still learning about the Bible!!!)
To be honest the only reason I went was that I was hurting and needed someone to show me they cared. I certainly wasn't interested in God, nor looking for Him at all. But although I may not have wanted Him, He certainly wanted me!!! By the time we had finished the 6-week course I understood nothing and still wasn't interested in God. This same lady, however, invited me along to her church one Sunday night. Again I went for the same reason - someone showed me they cared.
I clearly recall one night in December 1992 when they prayed for people after the service. For some bizarre reason that was totally beyond my understanding at the time I really felt I wanted to go forward. Although I didn't understand why, that night I knew I wanted to give my heart to the Lord. It felt like a whole weight had been lifted off my shoulders and the tension and depression I had been feeling for several months just melted away. Two weeks after that my Granddad died. Although this was again a very sad time for me, it seemed very different to how the last two deaths had been and I was able to cope with it a lot better.
The first year or so as a new Christian was like it is for many people – a honeymoon period. I got involved in ministries in my church, did theology study, completed courses on missions, applied for missionary training college, and could see myself heading out overseas sometime later in life. I'd been in a couple of relationships with guys in the church. It was the first time in my life that my sexual struggles seemed to disappear.
Everything seemed to be perfect – then the wheels fell off!! The feelings I thought had disappeared suddenly resurfaced and I was where I'd been exactly before I became a Christian – struggling with lesbianism. For as long as I could remember it had been an issue in my life. I remember as young as a 6 year old feeling different to other little girls. I knew that I was attracted to them and that something about that wasn't right.
In my teenage years those emotions became sexualised. While I never had a sexual relationship with another woman, for as long as I can remember I had the emotions, desires and feelings to have such a relationship. (I later came to see that I had been involved in plenty of emotionally dependant relationships, but at that time I had no concept whatsoever of what was really going on). It was never a happy part of my life and I felt very much like I was a mistake. Something had gone wrong and I was stuck with this for the rest of my life.
This was something I didn't want people to know because I believed they would reject me. I wasn't able to talk to anyone about how I felt. I certainly wasn't able to speak to my family although I always suspected they knew about my feelings.
During my first couple of years as a Christian I heard how God loved me, how He created me, and how when you became a Christian you were a new person. However when this 'honeymoon' period finished I saw that nothing had really changed. I still had all the same emotions, feelings, and desires. Becoming a Christian only reconfirmed my thought that I was a mistake - only this time it wasn't simply that I was a mistake but that God had made me this way.
Two years after becoming a Christian I went to Bible College in Australia, and that's when the process of change began. God began to dig up things in my life that I didn't realise had anything to do with my sexual struggles. It was the most painful and difficult three years of my life. I felt like an onion being peeled – one layer would come off and another would be exposed. After a time I would think that a particular issue was resolved, but then the next layer would be exposed raw – and then the next, and the next – the process just kept on going. I went through a time of depression, feeling extremely suicidal. It was also the first time in my life I realised I could actually kill someone. There was so much hate and anger I had to work through.
One of the significant things I remember during this time was being confronted with the issue of 'shame'. I had heard so much about how God had taken our 'sin' on the cross but it really impacted me when I heard He not only took our 'sin' but also our 'shame'. This was a turning point in my life – I came to see that it wasn't just that I thought my sexual attractions were wrong, but that I was ashamed of them. In fact, I was ashamed of 'who I was'- not of 'what I'd done'. I didn't like me and I didn't believe others liked me - so how on earth could God like me? From this time on, I increasingly came to see the issue wasn't really anything to do with my sexuality, but more to do with my identity. I might have been a Christian but my identity wasn't really in God. I identified myself as 'lesbian' and my identity was in 'who I believed I was' – nothing more, nothing less.
During these three years at Bible College God put a woman, a fellow student, into my life who helped me work through many of my issues. While I couldn't say the relationship was always a healthy one, what I could say was that in spite of all the terrible things I did to this friend she never once rejected me – she didn't accept my behaviour but she didn't once reject me personally. Through her I had a glimpse of what God was like. I began to realise that if she, being human, could act like that, how much more would God accept me.
As I said, these were probably the three worst years of my life – but in some ways they were also the three best. While I'd never like to repeat any of them I realise I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't gone through that time and I'm very, very grateful to God for it.
Also during this time at Bible College, God was speaking to me about working in ministry with women who struggled with lesbianism. As you can probably imagine, this was the last thing I wanted to do. In particular, I didn't want this part of my life exposed. It was something I had hidden for so long and there was no way I was opening it up for the whole world to see. So I tried every other option in ministry but no doors opened. Then, during my third year at Bible College I worked for a few months in my church in New Zealand and it was during this time God began to change my heart.
I clearly remember sitting in church one Sunday night and realising my excuses weren't good enough. They may have been reasonable excuses but they shouldn't stop me from working in this type of ministry. So I reluctantly agreed with God to go along with Him! One of my 'requirements' in agreeing with God was that I wanted to be in a place where ministry in this area wasn't already happening. I realised that in many countries people could find help and support, and yet there were many other countries where no such ministry existed.
During my last six months at Bible College I contacted WEC (Worldwide Evangelisation for Christ) Spain, as I knew about their work in drug rehabilitation. While they told me it wasn't an option to work in drug centres in this ministry, they also said they were keen to start a ministry amongst people who struggled with homosexuality - there was a huge need and no one was yet helping in this area – and that I should seriously consider coming to Spain!!
I finished Bible College at the end of 1997 and spent the next two years in New Zealand completing a course in counselling, attending different conferences, and getting involved in ministries working with people struggling with homosexuality. As God continued to work in me personally, He also began to change my heart about being involved in this type of ministry. My compassion for those who struggled in this area became stronger than the fears I had about being involved in it. I finally left New Zealand for Spain at the start of 2000.
While I can see now how God has used me to minister to others who struggle with lesbianism, not only in Spain but in many other places as well, the greatest thing has been not what I've done for God but what God has done in me during this time. The three years at Bible College were the most challenging, most life changing years of my life. However, the three years in Spain have been a time of consolidating my relationship with God, working through forgiveness issues, learning how to develop healthy same sex and opposite sex relationships, and finding a new freedom in God. In addition, my relationship with my Mum is now better than ever before – it's not perfect, but I can honestly say that I love my Mum and I know she loves me.
If I had to sum up what has changed in my life I would say it is my self identity - who I say I am, who I believe others say I am, and who I believe God says I am.
God took my biggest weakness and He made it my greatest strength. He took my biggest area of vulnerability, my greatest area of shame, the most private part of my life and He cleaned it up. He set me free and He asked me to let Him use it so others could know that they're not born that way, that there is a way out, that there is freedom from the hold that homosexuality can have over us.
If I could live my life over again there would be many things I would like to change. But I can see how God has used (and is continuing to use) some of my experiences to help others. Nothing in my life has been wasted – not all has been good, or easy, but I'm glad for the experiences I've had. Most of all, I'm very grateful to God for what He has done in my life and for who He is making me into – for the woman I am today.