It was on July 17th 2002 when our son, Michael, came home from London where he now lives and works. We always look forward to him coming home because he is just so good to have around. He is an accomplished classical guitarist and gives us so much pleasure when he gets his guitar out to play for us. Michael and I also enjoy singing together in harmony (at least we think it is in harmony!) and we are often asked to 'do a turn' at larger family gatherings. We had no idea that July 17th would become branded onto our hearts for the rest of our life.
Shortly after he arrived, Michael mentioned he was studying Japanese as his company were dealing more and more with companies in Japan. He went out to bring a book from the car to show us what he was studying. He said, "I've brought you another book I would like you to read too. It's a book on how to tell your parents you're gay!" My world just froze - I stared at him in disbelief. Then I glanced at my husband thinking "Oh dear God what is he going to say?" (Not many years before my husband would not have taken his hands out of his pockets to shake the hand of a partner of a gay friend.) To my utmost amazement he said, "Son, I am a sinner too saved by grace alone". We had recently been studying a book in our home group called The Discipline of Grace . Although it had been hard to swallow at the time of reading, we had learnt from this book that we are all sinners, sin is sin, and there are no differences between our sins.
Anyway, back on July 17th we did some very direct talking with our son, asking him how could he make this decision and still maintain he was a Christian? Michael felt he could. We talked about AIDS, and he assured us his new partner had had an AIDS test and was OK. He told us how much he loved his friend, which was really hard for us to hear. The whole time we were talking I noticed Michael was shaking from head to foot, and I realised how frightened he must have been on his journey to see us. My heart went out to him and we both affirmed our love for him. But we also made it very clear that we could not condone his choice of lifestyle. At one point I said the day would come when we would feel able to meet his friend. I asked Michael just one thing - if they stayed under our roof that out of respect for his Dad and me they would refrain from any homosexual activities. His response was, "Mum that goes without saying".
Our son had told our younger daughter about his homosexuality two years previously. She was concerned about him telling us then because my husband was ill, and also because my son's attitude at that time was a bit "This is what I am, take it or leave it". She advised Michael to wait until my husband was better before saying anything to us, and warned him that his attitude needed to be looked at. So knowing that, Michael delayed telling us until July 17th. My daughter phoned to see how we were just an hour or so after Michael had spoken to us. We have a cordless phone, so I went into the garden to talk. She asked, "How are you Mum?" I answered, "Well kind of numb right now". My daughter said, "I know just how you feel, the diarrhea starts tomorrow!" And she was right!!
On the next day I tried to talk to Michael about the pain his Dad and I were feeling and I asked what he thought we should do about it. He was honest and said he didn't know. But he was confused as to why we couldn't be happy for him, because he was happy now we knew. The physical pain I felt was awful - it was like a knife had been plunged into me, and a heavy weight applied to my chest. I also felt awkward about having to go to work on the Monday morning and behave as though everything was normal. I work in an almost totally male environment where the bad language is rife, as is the opinion of homosexuality. I still find it hard when the tasteless jokes fly around.
The following day Michael went back home to his new partner assured of our love for him. It was strange to see my husband embrace Michael and express his love for him. Yet what was our alternative - telling him to go and not darken our door again till he had repented of his sin? He hadn't taken his case out of the car when he first arrived because he thought we might say just that!
Very early the next morning after a sleepless night, I remembered a book that a dear friend had given us a couple of years before at the time she had been widowed. It was by an American lady called Barbara Johnson in which she spoke of discovering her own son was gay, and how she came to the knowledge that God's love was the answer in her situation. I remember reading this at the time and thinking that's wonderful for her, but what has this got to do with me? I found the book and my husband and I scoured it until we found the relevant pages. We read her advice about taking your precious child to the very throne of God, trusting God with him, and walking away. How the tears flowed - we just held each other and prayed. This was a Sunday morning and we went to our Fellowship and were truly able to worship the Lord with such a deep feeling of being loved. During that meeting I went to the front and said "Over this weekend we have had a blow to our personal lives that, without the help of God, we couldn't stand, but I know that God is true to His word when He says in Romans 8:37
"... in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
After the meeting dear friends from our home group gathered around very concerned, but we told them we would meet up with them later. We did see them later and explained what Michael had shared with us. They were sad for us and then supportive with their love and prayers. The following Sunday we spoke to our pastor with fear and trembling. But we had no need to fear as when we told him his first response was to put his hand on my husband and say, "I am so sorry". Then he told us that though we could not agree with Michael's choice of lifestyle, we must still love him. Since then our pastor has advised us on more than one occasion not to let Michael's sexuality be the central issue of our life. Instead, at the centre of our lives is to be our relationship with our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ - He who was crucified for all our sins.
Please don't think us to be a super spiritual couple who do not feel the pain and sorrow of what Michael has shared with us. In one meeting at the end of August we sang "On Christ the Solid Rock I stand". Unbeknown to me my husband had been singing this to himself in the weeks following July 17th. He turned to me and broke down with loud sobbing. I couldn't take his weight and a dear friend came and held him while he sobbed. Bless him, he didn't ask any questions and he was just the arms my husband needed for that time. My own tears do flow but as yet I haven't 'broken down' in quite the same way.
In my search for someone who could tell me they had 'been there' - someone who could also tell me the pain would become easier with the passing of time - I made contact with a lady in Scotland who has a gay son. She and her husband had known about their son's homosexuality for about ten years, and they have become a great source of strength to us. They even invited us last November to their home in Scotland and we spent a delightful weekend with them. They made a return visit to us just a couple of weeks ago. Her husband has been so helpful to mine, reassuring him that he totally understood where he was, and giving him space to 'break down' once again. This dear couple have also shown us that the way they live is to keep trusting in Jesus for their son, but at the same time living their own life together before the Lord. We are now delighted to count these folk among our best friends!
There is one particular thing I felt the Lord has showed me which may be of help to other grieving parents. While I stood looking out of our bedroom window one day I felt reassured by the Lord that all that had happened was no surprise to Him. He can cause ALL things to work together for good. I continue to seek to trust Him for the outcome of this word.
The last time we saw Michael was over the Christmas period. We did enjoy his company - he was good enough to get up at 6:00 am to take me to the supermarket on Christmas Eve so that we could get the 'best pickings' before the crowds came! Afterwards I treated him to breakfast in the supermarket, and as we sat there asked him about his walk with Jesus. His first response was "Oh mum, every time I come home you ask me this". I replied, "I know son, but I challenge you because I love you. You are my beloved son, and I am concerned for the fact that one day you and I will both have to stand before the throne of Almighty God and give account of our decisions in life and the choices we make." I also spoke about the cross and the fact that Jesus died a torturous death that we might have life. He then quietly said, "I do believe in Jesus, Mum". I just replied, "Thank you for that Michael, but I must tell you that because I love you, while I have breath I will challenge you from time to time". Then we went to the car, but before we got in I said to him "If ever you see me not walking in the way you think I, as a follower of Jesus, should walk, or if you ever hear talk come out of my mouth that you feel is wrong, I give you full permission to challenge me too!" He put his arm around me and said, "I will Mum!" Maybe I shouldn't keep challenging him - I don't know, but I do ask the Lord to help me not to do or say the wrong thing. I'm very good at giving my opinion and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and I am aware there are times when I just have to be still and let God do the doing and the saying, while we do the praying.
The reason I am writing this is not for people to think what a good Christian I am. Believe me, I'm not! I so often fall very far short of what is required of me in the Christian walk, so I take no credit for anything that God chooses to do in our son's life. I still feel the initial pain from time to time. For instance, it was just after Christmas when all the family were with us. I walked down to the village and on my way passed the home of Christian friends. They were outside saying goodbye to their eldest son and his new wife who had spent Christmas with them. They called out "Hello Ruth! How are you?" Everything was so 'normal' and I responded "Fine!" But once again I felt the crushing pain in my chest, and the tears of crying out "Why God?"
It is now the end of January, and since Christmas I have slowly learnt to pay heed to the advice given by our Pastor and our friends from Scotland. Sometimes it's remembering what they have said to us that keeps me sane in the days that I feel crushed with pain. The Lord has promised that if we come to Him when we are weak and heavy laden, He WILL give us rest. I have found too that it helps to stop listening to the lies of the enemy about how we must have failed as parents (as I have said, we are not perfect!) and I try not to continuously concentrate on my heartache. It helps to start counting my blessings - I am always amazed at how many I have once I start to count, including the joy of being a Mum to a delightful, gentle, caring and loving son.
In two weeks time Michael is bringing his friend home to meet us for the first time. Our elder daughter has met him and tells us that he is really nice. We are sure he is, and we are trusting in God to help us through this time. We want to make them welcome, but we have reminded Michael of his promise about their relationship when they are in our home and he was quite happy with that.
What do my husband and I want? I suppose if we are honest we really want to wake up and realise it's all been a bad dream! We do pray daily for Michael and his friend. Our desire would be for them both to turn to Jesus, to make Him Lord, and to decide to lead a celibate life. But that decision can only be made by them as they stand before the One who gave His life, that we may ALL be forgiven for our sin.
Finally, I would like to share the following quote from the book "The Discipline of Grace" by Jerry Bridges:
"Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace."