By Jonathan
I had the privilege of being brought up in a good Christian home. Ever since I can remember, my parents took me to church every Sunday and I attended Sunday School. I was also encouraged to pray and read my Bible. However, at the age of eight I began to wonder whether these things really made me a Christian. I remember asking my Mum on one occasion something along the lines of “What do you have to do to be a real Christian?”. She patiently explained to me that we have to come to a point in our lives where we confess our sin to God, ask for His forgiveness and make Jesus Lord of our lives. At the age of eight I prayed a simple prayer by myself one evening asking God to forgive me and be Lord of my life. I then told my parents about this, along with other family members and my pastor, who all offered me encouragement and support as I began this journey of following Christ.
As a young Christian I tried to grow in my faith by spending time reading the Bible and in prayer. I attended services at our local church and soon became involved in helping with the music. I feel very honoured to have been able to use the gift of music God has given me to serve Him.
I first became aware of homosexual feelings when entering my teens. At the time I could not understand where these feelings were coming from and tried to ignore them hoping they would go away. However, at the same time I was often viewing men’s underwear sections of clothing catalogues. Looking back I see this as my first introduction to pornography. Although most people would not actually think of these images as pornographic, I was looking at them to please my own sinful desires.
These homosexual desires grew through my teenage years. Looking back now I thought I knew what many of the root causes of these homosexual desires were, but at the time I was very confused. On the outside I looked like a strong Christian - I was very involved in my church and during my teens got baptised. However, inside I was constantly struggling with same sex attraction. During this time I became involved in self-gratification and would allow my mind to have homosexual fantasies during these times. Whilst I knew this was wrong, I couldn’t explain why I had these homosexual desires and tried to ignore them. The last thing I was going to do was tell anyone about what I was struggling with.
Things started to get much worse in my early twenties. I now had my own studio with internet access. This opened up the whole world of internet pornography. Initially I began looking at “soft” porn, but gradually got more involved in viewing homosexual pornography. As well as viewing pornographic websites I started to visit gay chat rooms and homosexual dating sites. Through these I began meeting other homosexuals and chatting to them online. I would often spend 2 or 3 hours a day on the internet viewing inappropriate material. I knew this was wrong and sometimes could go for a week or so without falling into sin. However, this would never last long. I was well and truly enslaved to sin.
On one occasion, while visiting a homosexual dating site, I met another man who lived within travelling distance of my home and shared similar interests to me. We began to chat a lot on the internet and also spoke on the phone. I liked the way in which I could be totally open with this man and know that he was not going to look down on me in any way. I liked the way in which this man seemed confident and happy in his homosexual lifestyle. Yet he also sympathised with my situation and offered to support and help me enter the gay lifestyle. At one point we actually met up for coffee and I remember driving home from this meeting feeling really low. I realised that I had two options: either I was going to run away from home, go to live with this man and live the gay lifestyle, or I was going to remain miserable for my whole life, having these overwhelming desires but never being able to do anything about them. I believe now that it was only God’s grace that kept me from leaving home at that point and entering the gay lifestyle. I started to look at my life and realised how far I had gone down this life of sin. It was frightening to think how close I had come to living the homosexual lifestyle. I decided at this point to do something to change my behaviour.
From that time onward I rarely viewed internet pornography and don’t think I ever visited a gay chat room or dating site. However, I was still involved in self-gratification and my thought-life was full of sinful fantasies. Occasionally I would slip back and view pornographic material on the internet. Sometimes I thought I was doing quite well, but when I was honest with myself, I realised I was not experiencing true freedom from sin. I knew I needed some support and felt challenged to speak to a friend about this.
This was a huge step in my life. I genuinely thought that when I opened up to my friend he would never want to speak to me again. However, I also knew that if I was ever going to speak to anyone about this it was going to be him. If I’m honest I didn’t tell my friend the whole truth at the beginning, but later did. However, instead of this friend disowning me as I thought he would he was actually incredibly supportive. He explained how we have all done things wrong and therefore none of us can condemn or look down on anyone else. However, he also explained the importance of seeking freedom from this sin.
I took some initial steps towards freedom. I installed accountability software on my computer and also opened up to some other close friends. On one occasion while I was searching on the internet I came across the organisation Setting Captives Free. I read about their Door of Hope course which was a 60-day Bible study course for those struggling with homosexuality during which you have regular e-mail contact with a mentor. Through the encouragement of my mentor and the material on the course I began to learn from the Bible how I could have more freedom from sin. I later spoke to my pastor, who now provides accountability and support. I also keep in regular contact with some Christian friends who hold me accountable and I seek to feed more and more on Christ through His Word, through prayer and through fellowship with other Christians.
I praise God that I am now experiencing freedom. I know that if it wasn’t for God’s amazing grace I would be in a very different place today! I am overwhelmed to know that He forgives me for my past and gives me a new start! I can now have a wonderful relationship with Him and call Him “my Father”!
I would like to be able to end this story by saying that I no longer struggle with same sex attraction, but this is not the case. I still find myself tempted frequently by homosexual desires. I often wonder whether this will be something that I always struggle with and whether I will ever be able to get married and lead a “normal” life. However, I do know that these things are under God’s control. I feel that He is calling me to make Him the focus of my life. I need to live in purity and freedom from sin and seek Him with all my heart. Maybe in the future He will change my desires and I will end up falling in love and getting married. On the other hand, maybe I am meant to live my life as a single man. Either way, I know He has an amazing plan for me and He will give me the strength for whatever I face!
One thing this journey has taught me is that there are many people who wrestle with homosexual desire. Often they have deep hurts and struggles and feel trapped in the lifestyle they lead. Some, like myself, may even be seen to be leading a good, Christian life on the outside. The church, in general, offers mixed messages on the subject of homosexuality and it is not something we often hear talked about in services. I believe it is so important that the church today seeks to reach out to those involved in homosexuality and show them that there is an alternative. Although many homosexuals give the impression they are happy, confident people enjoying life, the reality is they are often hurting, lonely and in need of rescuing. The church needs to be a voice which clearly states what the Bible teaches about homosexuality and seeks to offer support to the struggling homosexual.
My hope and prayer is that God will be able to use what I have been through to help me reach out to other people trapped in homosexuality. I know something of the pain, loneliness, guilt and heartbreak those involved in homosexuality feel. I regret so many of the things I have done, but I look to God for the future. I pray that God will make me useful in serving Him in whatever way that might be and that, if it is His will, He might use me to rescue others from the grips of homosexuality and sin.