Many people who contact TfT ask if we think they will ever be able to marry a partner of the opposite sex. Like most questions regarding the future, there are no clear-cut answers. We can’t say such a person will be able to get married, but equally we can’t say they won’t. We need to ask some questions of the couple considering marriage, or indeed of ourselves if we are in this situation. This article begins to do this and attempts to find a perspective of truth and reality.
Firstly, we need to ask why the person would like to get married. This may seem a stupid question, but it isn’t. Some people say “It will make me feel more normal”, but that is clearly not the way God sees it. Others talk in terms of wanting children and avoiding being lonely in old age. These are much more reasonable expectations, although it does not necessarily follow that marriage means we won’t experience loneliness when old. My father was happily married for fifty years, but my mother died eighteen years before him. He often complained about being very lonely in his old age without her. His words echo in my ears when I hear people hoping that marriage will guarantee an old age without loneliness.
Another point to be considered is the misconception that marriage is the solution to sexual frustrations and problems, or that it is proof of healing from sexual brokenness, especially homosexuality. If our sexual frustrations have led to addictive sexual behaviour or compulsions, it is most unlikely that marriage, or any monogamous relationship, will actually stop sexually addictive behaviour, such as cruising or pornography. It may even make it worse. The more sex we have, the more we are likely to want, and so experiencing it in a long-term relationship will not necessarily mean all inappropriate sexual behaviour ceases. Casual sexual behaviour may be partly a search for love, but it is also driven by the excitement and buzz of a new experience and encounter. A long-term relationship can seem to stop this in its early days, but the need for an instant ‘sexual fix’ usually returns after a while. Within marriage, of course, someone else will also be affected and hurt. If there is a sexual addiction issue it therefore needs to be addressed at the outset. Marriage should wait until there is some definite freedom in this area.
It is also important to ask if the person seeking marriage has ever experienced any heterosexual feelings. Some people are already aware of general heterosexual feelings, even when homosexual ones seem to dominate. Others, who have only previously been aware of homosexual feelings, find they now have some sexual feelings in a close relationship with the opposite sex. In these cases, the partner is the only one for whom they have heterosexual feelings. If they get married the spouse may well be encouraged that he or she is desired sexually by the partner, when any other person of the opposite sex isn’t. Such a marriage may work well, providing there is the security of both partners desiring each other sexually. But if there is no sexual desire from one of the partners, the stability of the marriage will be at risk. Although some marriages survive in these situations, I don’t believe marriage should be considered if it is clear from the beginning that one person does not have sexual feelings for the other. Maybe a special friendship should be the option in such cases?
Marriage is a God given institution and a unique relationship of ‘one flesh’. It’s a ‘profound mystery’ ordained by God from the beginning of Creation, perhaps even symbolising the very act of His Creation through the coming together of a man and a women (Genesis 2:23-24). As the Anglican Wedding Service says, marriage must never be undervalued or taken lightly. A sexual relationship is, however, seen by many as the norm for every human being, whatever our sexuality. Christians too have been influenced by this ‘social norm’, and most believe (rightly) it should only be experienced in marriage between a Christian man and woman. But this view can, in turn, create a problem because there are many more women in the church than men. If a man’s homosexuality makes him ineligible for a prospective marriage partner, the pressure is on to help him become heterosexual and therefore make him available for the prospective brides waiting in the wings. Similarly, if a good-looking homosexual man has a close friendship with a Christian woman it is often thought that ‘marriage must be on the cards’. If not, ‘what a wasted opportunity that would be!’ This may seem a bit of an exaggeration, but it isn’t entirely. I meet many couples who were easily persuaded to get married by other Christians who said such things as “we really believe God has called you together.” Many homosexual men, in fact, feel more comfortable relating to women than other men. This can often lead to a close relationship, but it should not necessarily be seen as a precursor to marriage.
Why is there this obsession with partnerships in society and the Church? We have all been created by God to relate to others. When God said to Man ‘It is not good for you to be alone’ it was before the Fall when his relationship with God was perfect. This means God was saying, even though your relationship with me is perfect, I have created you to need another. At one time I failed to fully appreciate the significance of this statement. I assumed it was simply telling me I needed other people. But as I struggled to work at relationships, I realised that until I was more secure in my relationship with God and myself, I could not love others properly. Without recognising it, I was primarily looking to other people for my sense of value and being loved. Now I realise, when God said it was not good to be alone, the Man’s relationship with God and himself was perfect, and so out of that he could therefore relate to the other person in a perfect way of loving.
Since the Fall the situation is very different, but the need for another remains. However, we know that simply meeting this need through one other person for life is unlikely to be a reality. The Fall, sin and death make that clear. Jesus affirms this when He says “Not everyone can accept this word, (i.e. marriage) but only those to whom it has been given.” (Matthew 19:11). So marriage will not be experienced by everyone and even for those who do, it will not be forever - apparently not even in heaven. “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage…” (Matthew 22:30). The God created need to ‘not be alone’ remains however, and therefore we can find Godly ways of meeting that legitimate need. When tempted to complain by saying, “It’s not fair, I don’t want to be alone!” we can respond with “God does not want me to be alone. Let’s wait and see how He now provides for that need to be met.”
It is to be met through special relationships within the Body of Christ that are based themselves on the security of our relationship with God and ourselves. They are founded, in other words, on the security of knowing we are loved and valued in a unique way by God our Creator. We can only effectively relate to others when the security of knowing our personal value in this way is present. We must not simply demand that from other people. Our special relationships should involve the commitment and love that Jesus models in His own life and in His own special relationships. They may also need to be witnessed and confirmed by others in the Church who must provide us with support and encouragement. If any relationship constantly involves sinful behaviour, sexual or otherwise, it will be at risk. God may be asking you to end it because of the problems it is causing with sin (cf Mark 9:43-47). However, strong Christian relationships should mean, whether I am married or not, that I do not feel unattached or single. I should, instead, have a sense of belonging. This may seem a difficult ideal to experience, as I know only too well. However, it is not only possible, but something God has created in us to experience.
Some people may find that one of these special relationships has the potential to move towards marriage. Let’s look at some of the feelings and characteristics, which can make this possible, when you love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together.
1. There should be a good sense of personal value in both people. In particular, the spouse should not believe the partner’s homosexual feelings are a measure of a lack of love and desire for him or her. This will require working at understanding and valuing oneself and the other person. The homosexual feelings should not make the other person fear or feel insecure.
2.
There should be total honesty between both people – trust is vital. This honesty and growing to know each other should also involve knowing the attractions, desires and temptations of the other, including sexual ones. Sometimes a sense of humour can be helpful and affirming. For example, if you notice a person is approaching whom your friend or spouse would find attractive, you nudge them and say, “keep your eyes to the front!”
3.
There should be mutual sexual attraction and strong love. There should be no sex before marriage, but there must be some awareness of attraction and desire.
4.
Compatibility is important – how do you feel, for instance when he/she invades your personal space and everyday routine? For example, if you have your own home, can you allow the other person to take control within it and maybe change some things?
5.
The desire for marriage must not be in order to conform or feel more acceptable. As mentioned earlier, Christians often put pressure on close friendships between members of the opposite sex to get married.
6.
There should be freedom from sexual and emotional addiction. Whilst there can be an acceptance that sexual sin, in either partner, may occur, a besetting sexual sin problem at the outset will not be helpful. Sexual and/or emotional addiction issues will almost certainly not be solved through marriage and will probably be made worse.
These are only some prerequisites for marriage. I know married couples whose relationship has never experienced all these, yet their marriage seems to have been a really strong one for many years. But I also meet couples whose marriage is in very real difficulty because they experience the fears and insecurities I have mentioned.
I believe we must work at the low self worth that not only makes us vulnerable to sexual problems, but also encourages us to feel alone, lonely and unloved. We must work at meeting the need for relationships. If one of these relationships seems to have the potential for marriage, we must prepare carefully and not rush into it. We must also keep the possibility open that it could simply be a special committed friendship.
We all need to learn to love as Jesus loved, without fear and with the security of knowing our value to God. Maybe we will need to read 1 Corinthians 13 every day? Then married or unmarried, we will not feel alone, unattached or single.
Martin Hallett, December 2004