I’ve written this guide (prompted by discussions during the TfT London Day Conference) because I believe that feelings of isolation can be major factors in us giving up following Christ. Personally, I have experienced a lot of love and support from people I have shared with, but I accept that sharing needs to be done with care. Hence this leaflet. May God guide you to share your story appropriately, and experience a deeper level of support and acceptance. Jim (TfT Voluntary Worker).
At various points in our lives we will think about sharing our same sex temptations and issues with a third party. This might be to a Christian leader, a friend or a family member. They might be Christian or not.
In doing this, we need to maintain a healthy balance:
- telling no one at all leaves us carrying the burden alone;
- telling everyone is not recommended, as it will not be helpful to them or us.
Honesty in relationships is encouraged in many places in the Bible. For example, in 2 Corinthians 6:11-12, Paul writes how he has been honest with the church in Corinth, in order to demonstrate his affection for them. Galatians 6:1-6 speaks of how we should look out for each other, being willing to rebuke one another (v1), carry each other’s burdens (v2), and also share what God is teaching us (v6). Our honesty can be a witness and encouragement to others, as well as a help and support to ourselves. Elsewhere, Paul speaks of how God comforts us, so that we can share the comfort we have received with others who are in trouble (2 Corinthians 1: 3-7). So, not only can sharing build up a relationship, but it’s also a witness to the Gospel and God’s work in our lives. James also encourages us to share for reasons of accountability and so that others can pray for us (James 6:16).
However, sharing is a tricky business, since it involves an element of risk – how will the person relate to me after I have shared? Working through the following questions and thoughts might help us decide whether and how to share, who to share with, and how to prepare for the response.
Question 1. Why do I want to share?
Firstly, it’s important to be honest with ourselves about our motive for sharing with someone. Reasons for wanting to share include:
a) To benefit me, eg:
- To get support for myself
- To get acceptance of myself
- To develop accountability
- To force someone to either accept or reject me (not a good reason!)
- Because I suspect they have the same issues and I want to bring them into the open (possibly not a good reason)
b) To benefit the other person, eg:
- To broaden their understanding of sexuality issues
- To help them to see that Christians are not perfect
- To help them to be ‘real’ about some problem in their own life
- To challenge homophobia
c) To benefit us both, eg:
- To deepen an existing friendship
- To reciprocate after they have shared some of their struggles
We’re not commenting here on whether these reasons are right and wrong – a lot will depend on our individual circumstances. It might be helpful to check out our motives with another TfT member, or a friend we’ve already told.
Question 2. Why do I not want to share?
This question might be a necessary challenge if we generally avoid sharing at all—we probably do need to share our issues with one or two other people, so that we are accepted as we truly are, and gain appropriate support. But, questioning ourselves this way too much could lead to unnecessary and unhelpful sharing. Balance is needed here.
Some possible reasons for avoiding sharing:
a) Out of fear of rejection
This could be a valid fear, but equally it could be an excuse that prevents us getting support.
b) Out of pride
I don’t want to show myself in a bad light.
c) Because I don’t feel I will be accepted
Maybe we need to re-consider whom we are considering sharing with. Not everyone is able to handle such sharing, and we need to choose an appropriate person (see below, Question 4).
d) There is no need, I’ll soon be OK
Even if this is true, we still need to be ‘real’ with each other as Christians.
Question 3. What are my expectations in sharing?
This is a very important question. Our honest answer should help us challenge whether we are being realistic in our expectations, or approaching the right person – one who might be able to meet those expectations (see Question 4). This should also help us prepare for the response our sharing might provoke.
Some possible outcomes to sharing:
After I have shared, this person will…
- give me support
- be an accountability partner
- accept me as I truly am
- reject me, but things will be out in the open
- be challenged to change their homophobia
- become a friend for the first time
- become a much closer friend
- be very upset and unable to handle what I’ve said
- tell me I’ll get over it
- ask me to stop doing some church ministry
- ask me to keep this quiet and not tell anyone else
- pray over me for deliverance
- question my salvation
- be unable to understand why this is a problem for me
- encourage me to seek a same sex relationship
- etc.
Obviously, our reasons for sharing will vary, and we should not be looking for a ‘tick box’ on each option. The key thing is to be clear what our expectations are – otherwise how can we evaluate if our sharing was a ‘success’ or not? And how do we know how to follow up our sharing?
Question 4. Who should I share with?
The choice of who to share with depends very much on why we are sharing, what we plan to share, and what we expect from the person after we have shared. It also, obviously, depends on who God has placed around us.
It is important to remember that not everyone is able to receive this type of information about another person. It might be an ‘unwelcome gift’ and wiser not to offer it. It might challenge their own prejudices, or stir up deep issues in their own lives. Be prayerful and wise in deciding who to talk to! We cannot ‘unshare’; the other person cannot erase unwelcome sharing from their memory.
In praying over who to share with, it would be sensible to think through the following:
- What is the person’s attitude to homosexual people? If they cannot mention the word without sly comments, it might not be sensible to share.
- Do they know of anyone else with same sex issues? How have they handled this?
- Have they had any teaching on homosexuality? How have they responded?
- What is the person’s attitude to sexual sin in general? Are they understanding and forgiving, or condemnatory?
- Does the person tend to talk freely about their own feelings, emotions and struggles with sin, or are they very private, and avoid talking about emotions? If they are private, they might find it hard to be told something so intimate.
- How well do they know us?
Also consider if it is best for us to share with:
- A person of the same sex or opposite sex?
- A married couple, together?
- A married person, but on their own? (If so, state clearly whether they can confide in their spouse)
- A single person?
- Someone older or younger than us?
- A mature Christian or a recent convert?
- Someone I am attracted to?
- Someone who is going through a difficult time?
In terms of our own temptations, the safest option is probably to share with a married couple, together, with us not having sexual feelings for either of them. However, the safest option is not always the one God directs us to - much depends on whom God has placed around us. As we pray for guidance, He will lead us.
Question 5. What should I share?
We need to think carefully about this, and pray and prepare in advance whenever possible, as it is very easy to be misunderstood. We do not need to share everything about ourselves, nor do we need to share it all at once. However we must share enough for the person to understand what our current situation is – in terms of our behaviour, and in terms of our views of the Bible’s teaching. It is better to give a clear picture at the outset, than to try to correct a false impression later. Brief soundbites or ‘labels’ (such as gay, lesbian or homosexual) will most probably be misinterpreted. If we say "I have homosexual temptations" the other person may well interpret that as meaning we are involved in same sex activities, whilst in reality, we may be struggling with temptation, but not acting it out.
Initially, we might want to just explain that we experience sexual temptations for people of the same sex, and we know that this is wrong according to the Bible. If our listener seems ready to hear more, then we can share more. However much we decide to share, a deep level of intimate detail is unnecessary and probably unhelpful to ourselves and the person we are sharing with. We must be sensitive to the other person. If they seem interested and supportive, and ask relevant questions, then they will accept more detail, but if they seem not to want to know any more, do not force the full details on them!
Question 6. How should I share?
There are some practical ways we can help prepare the person for what we are going to say. This will make it easier for us when it comes to sharing, and easier for them to know how to listen and help. It will also help us check if this really is an appropriate person to share with.
: Some ideas for preparing the ground
- lend them a TfT or similar leaflet or booklet
- lend them an appropriate Christian book
- direct them to the TfT or another Christian website
- have them hear a TfT member speak (at their church or elsewhere)
- lend them a CD/tape of a TfT talk or something similar
We need to pray that God will give us the words to say to them, and also that God will prepare the other person(s) so they are able to accept what we share, and to encourage and support us.
When ready to share, it might be a good idea to test the water first by asking permission: "I would like to share some personal issues with you, is that OK?" This warns them that we want to share something quite private, and gives them a chance to decline our confidences. It is also good to ask them at the outset to keep what we share confidential. If we have asked permission to share and they have agreed, then they have accepted some responsibility for their response.
Question 7. What happens next?
As we have already considered, sharing should not be a one-off event. We have certain expectations, and want to work to those being achieved. How we follow up this sharing will depend on the person’s reaction, which in turn, will be affected by our relationship with them. For example, if the person thinks they already know us well, they may experience a sense of loss if they had no idea about our same sex temptations. We may now seem a bit like a stranger and this will hurt. There may be a feeling of bereavement and possibly even some anger at first, as they try to come to terms with this new knowledge of us. During the 'bereavement process' ongoing communication is vital, so their old image of us is united with the extra knowledge and a new, renewed image is created.
Overall, there are three possible types of reaction, but various factors (including shock, sense of loss, etc) mean that the person’s initial reaction will not necessarily be their long term one.
a) Positive Reaction
The person is really accepting of us, maybe shared something of their own issues in life, and is keen to support us in any way possible.
Perhaps giving them some literature (personal testimonies or books that consider the topics from a clear Christian viewpoint) or directing them to some websites, would be helpful. Then it might be good to arrange to meet again, to pray with them, and to discuss how they might help us. This might just involve being a good friend, or it might be in terms of regular meetings to see how we are, or even accepting us being accountable to them.
b) OK or Passive Reaction
The person voices acceptance, but does not offer to help at all. They may try and change the subject.
They might just need time to adjust to this new information. Don’t push them, but in a couple of week’s time, we could check how they are with us. If they have moved to a positive reaction, then follow the above ideas. If they seem settled in a more passive reaction, then we could try lending them something to get them thinking more, or we might decide its best to leave the subject until they show an inclination to talk about it.
c) Negative Reaction
The person is shocked and horrified, or they are really upset and emotional, or they are angry.
It is possible this is a spontaneous initial reaction to a sudden disclosure that they were not prepared for, or they are feeling a sense of loss. They might just need time to adjust to the situation.
On the other hand, this might be their honest, clearly thought-out belief, in which case, in the context of us looking to them for support, it’s probably best to leave the subject as soon as we can, and not to raise it again.
Conclusion
I am convinced that sharing can be very helpful (both for us and for the other person), and that if we have thought these things through carefully, prayed, discussed with someone else, and prepared the ground, most negative reactions can be avoided. However, remember that a negative reaction says as much about the person themselves and their own issues and prejudices, as it does about you. We must judge ourselves as GOD judges us (sinners, justified by grace) and not as other people might judge us.
For God, who said, 'let light shine out of darkness,’ has made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. For we have this treasure in jars of clay [earthen vessels] to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:6-9.
November 2006
November 2006