Good tidings of great joy
How are you feeling about Christmas this year? Are your emotions positive, negative or mixed? For some, Christmas can be an unavoidable annual reminder of the gap between how things are and how we wish they were. This can be particularly the case when it comes to our relationships, but there can also be a felt gap in connection to work, finances, living arrangements, the political situation in our homeland or in myriad other ways.
For perhaps 6 weeks each year, Christmas becomes the main topic of conversation at church. People we don’t know well ask all sorts of questions about our Christmas views and plans. And that can be lovely for some people. But some of those questions can cause unintentional pain for others. In the table below, I set out some questions, why they can be problematic and some possible alternatives. The potentially problematic questions won’t be awkward for everyone, and the suggested alternative questions won’t be right for every situation or person either. But I would love it if everyone paused this Christmas and thought about the person in front of them – how well do I know their situation? Am I willing to help if their honest answer is uncomfortable or is this purely small talk? Is there a more inclusive question I could ask?
Aside from the fact that Christmas small talk can touch on painful topics, it can sometimes feel that only positive emotions are acceptable at Christmas, and that you are a Scrooge if your feelings towards Christmas are not unadulterated joy, excitement, anticipation, hope, pleasure or similar. That can add unnecessarily to the ache felt by those who are struggling. You feel the pain of the situation and then you add to that the uncomfortable feeling that your experience is out of the ordinary or unacceptable. I know someone who avoids church at Christmas because it is too painful, and that is really sad.
| The question | The problem | Instead consider asking... |
|---|---|---|
| What are you hoping to get for Christmas this year?” | They may not have anyone to buy them presents. They may not be able to afford to exchange presents. |
"How do you celebrate Jesus’s birthday over the Christmas period?” I have never been asked this (or dared to ask it), but what a great question for Christians to ask each other. |
| “Have you started/finished your Christmas shopping?” | They may not have anyone to buy for. They may not be able to afford presents. |
“Which Christmas carol do you think best encapsulates the gospel?” |
| “What are you doing on Christmas Day?” | If they don’t have anywhere to go, this shines a spotlight on that and potentially puts them in a very awkward situation/may leave them feeling that they haven’t been left with much dignity. They may not want to open up about one of the most painful aspects of their life to you. They may worry about making you feel uncomfortable or making the conversation too heavy. | “What is the Christmas period looking like for you this year?” This gives them more choice about what they focus on and enables them to talk about something they are looking forward to if that is easier for them. “Would you like to join us/me for...?” This could be Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, Boxing Day or anything else - over the Christmas period, or in the run up or in the New Year. You may not be able to invite someone to join your Christmas Day. But what could you invite someone to join in with? Think about how you ask them so that they don’t feel pressured to give you an answer straight away. |
| What are you most looking forward to about Christmas?” | This assumes that they are looking forward to Christmas and allows no space for other feelings. | “How are you feeling about Christmas this year?” This is a question for someone you know a bit better. It gives permission to acknowledge that they may not be feeling entirely positive feelings. It also recognises that feelings may fluctuate. |
| “What Christmas traditions do you have?” | This assumes that they are in a position to control what happens, which they may not be. Often traditions will be set up with others – they may not have others with whom to establish traditions, or those loved ones with whom they previously established traditions may no longer be around. And often traditions are around things we enjoy – they may just be trying to get through the Christmas period. | (if you know them well enough to know what they are interested in/up to) ask them about their team, DIY project, garden, hobby etc. That goes for any of the questions – conversations at this time of year don’t have to be about Christmas. Or, if you know them really well and it would be appropriate in the context of your relationship with them, you could ask a sensitive question about how they find Christmas since their loved one died/since the break up/in the years when they don’t have the children/as a single person/living so far from family. You may find that you have greater freedom in asking the question if you are known to be in a similar situation. Unless you are their church leader/mentor and asking pastorally, I’d suggest only asking this if you would be happy for them to ask you a similarly sensitive question. This isn’t a small talk question, but may in the right context provide a welcome opportunity to be real. |
| "Are you seeing family over Christmas?” | There are all sorts of reasons why this may be a painful question – estrangement, relationship breakdown, bereavement, geographical distance, having to work. | “What will the Christmas period look like for you this year?” |
| “What is your favourite Christmas film?” | They may not have one if they find Christmas hard. | "Have you watched anything good recently?” This allows the freedom to talk about non-Christmas films and TV shows. |
| “What is your favourite part of the Christmas dinner?” | This is more inclusive than some questions, but it can pose challenges. The person may not have an invitation to a Christmas dinner and the question may just remind them of that. If they do have somewhere to go, they may be hesitant to say what their actual favourite thing is in case their host doesn’t include that as part of their Christmas dinner. | "What is the most unusual Christmas dinner you have ever had?” |
I suspect that, if we are really honest, none of us have wholly positive emotions about Christmas. Even those who love Christmas may feel stressed at the thought of having so many people in one home or cooking so many different things, or they may dread a long car journey with small children, or they may feel a sense of sadness that a particular loved one is no longer around, or they may feel annoyed by the commercialisation of Christmas, or irritated by the same Christmas songs being played on repeat, or feel the financial strain of buying presents and treat food.
As Christmas is the season of celebrating Jesus’s birthday, I sometimes feel guilty that I don’t feel more positive about it. But as I have reflected on this, I have realised that I do enjoy the Christmas story; the aspects of Christmas that I find hard are actually nothing to do with the true meaning of Christmas. And I take great comfort from noting that there was space for a wide range of emotions in that original Christmas story. Yes, there is joy: Elizabeth’s joy at the birth of John; Mary rejoicing in God her Saviour; the good news of great joy that the angel of the Lord brought to the shepherds; and the Magi were overjoyed when they saw the star had stopped where Jesus was. Most of the joy centres around the birth of Jesus, and rightly so. But the Christmas story contains many harder emotions too. If we are feeling something other than pure joy as we think about Christmas, we are in very good company:
- If you are feeling misunderstood, lonely or shamed for seeking to honour God, I imagine that both Mary and Joseph felt that too.
- If you are wishing that someone would take you in, it is reasonable to think that Mary and Joseph felt that when there was no room at the inn.
- If you are feeling anxious/fearful about what Christmas or the new year will look like, many in the Christmas story felt fearful. The word from the angel was “Do not be afraid”. That word is good for us too because we serve the same God.
- If you are encountering financial hardship, we worship a saviour who became poor for our sakes.
- If you wish for a child or children of your own, Elizabeth and Zechariah knew that longing too. They were old when they had John.
- If you are grieving a loved one who is no longer alive or no longer in your life, bereavement was part of the first Christmas story too. Families wept for babies and toddlers killed on Herod’s orders.
- If you have had to flee a situation for your safety (spiritual, physical or emotional), Joseph, Mary and Jesus were refugees in Egypt.
- If you are working on Christmas Day, so were the shepherds.
Herod is clearly more warning than role model. He never got to meet the baby Jesus. But other people in that first Christmas story met Jesus as they were, and experienced joy in amongst their other emotions, and that same invitation is open to each of us this Christmas. Biblical joy does not depend on earthly circumstances. It comes from knowing Jesus. Whether we are expecting presents, good food, great company and fun times or not, we are still able to take part in the main event – remembering the birth of Jesus over 2,000 years ago, and anticipating his return. Dare I say it, those of us with fewer distractions may find ourselves better able to participate in the true meaning of Christmas. So, let me conclude by asking you a question that I have never yet dared to ask in those small talk conversations at church: ‘What steps will you take to keep the focus on Jesus this Christmas?
This article was originally published in the Winter 2025 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.
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