Deeply Known, Deeply accepted

For a number of years, I attended an accountability group for Christian men with sexual addictions, and found it very helpful. It was a mixed group - old and young, black and white, manual labourers and city professionals, businessmen and civil servants. The men came with a broad range of issues, whether battling lustful thoughts or porn addiction, compulsively masturbating, using female sex workers or being promiscuous with other men. They were all with a very obvious broken sexuality and all trusting Jesus for their salvation.

The first part of each gathering had us break into threes or fours and a “check-in” with each other. The check-in consisted of answering six questions, which I remembered with these six words: Highs, Lows, Thoughts, Actions, Feelings and Needs. 

Each man would answer the following questions concerning the last two weeks or since we last spoke:

• What was your high point?
• What was your low point?
• How or where have your thoughts been - what do you need to confess?
• What have your actions been - what do you need to repent of?
• How do you feel now? (We would concentrate on the 4 core emotions: fear, joy, anger and sadness. Recent poor behaviour might have left one numb, unable to feel anything.) 
• What do you need right now? (eg forgiveness, acceptance, rest).

A little time in thoughtful preparation enabled each person to take about one minute to check in.
The group met every two weeks, with the opportunity to take the contact details of another man and be accountable more regularly between meetings, if desired. An over-the-phone, daily, one-minute check-in might be a good place to start for those struggling in the midst of chaotic addictive cycles or, if necessary, then more often than that.

Essentials for healthy accountability

There were several values which were of vital importance to this group, and they will be essential ingredients for anyone wishing to form a healthy accountable relationship. 

First, CONFIDENTIALITY. It takes a certain level of vulnerability to share our sins and weaknesses with someone else, but if we cannot be sure that what we say will be held in confidence, it might be very difficult to share anything of significance. In the group I attended, we would agree, “I can share anything about me, with anyone outside this gathering, but I cannot share anything about anyone else at this gathering, with anyone else, ever.” Confidentiality takes trust, and trust usually takes time, so it may take a while to build a depth of relationship and trust before we feel able to share deeply.

Second, EMPATHY. Empathy is the opposite of condemnation and condemnation leads to shame. Father God condemned Jesus, so that he would not need to condemn us. When being accountable to another, the last thing we need is the other person’s judgemental comments. We all need a place where we are accepted, despite revealing our failures. No one who feels rejected through shame or judgement is likely to confess a second time. But, if we can create an atmosphere of empathy, where we remind each other that we are all sinners, then perhaps we will have the confidence to share openly and honestly. 

No temptation will come to us except which is common to all, so even the sin we might feel most embarrassed by, will not be a sin uncommon to humanity. Conversely, as humans, we may often try to excuse ourselves, by grading sin in ways God doesn’t. In Matthew 5, Jesus draws clear parallels between anger and murder, between lustful thoughts and adultery. There is no condemnation of any in Christ, and our righteousness is from God, so there is none who has any right to judge or shame another. 

Only if the first two values (confidentiality and a lack of shame or judgement) are adhered to, will it be possible to create a safe enough space to encourage a third value, deep AUTHENTICITY. The way we get free of shame is to bring into the light the shameful things we have thought, said or done (particularly the things we feel least inclined to share). To bring them into the light helps us to know that they do not define our identity, and that we are not just the sum of all our sins. It is helpful here to know the difference between guilt and shame. Where guilt says, “I did something bad” shame says “I am bad.” If we want healthy accountability, then we need to be able to separate what we’ve done from who we are. Being really specific about what we’ve done, enables us to clearly separate it from our true identity. If I keep telling lies, it will be easy to fall for the accusation of the enemy, that lying is my identity, therefore I am a liar. However, if I confess that on Wednesday afternoon I told Gertrude an untruth, and then again on Saturday evening with Fred, it’s a little easier to separate what I’ve done from who I am. In addition, the more specific we can be about our sin, the less we are able to minimise it or be in denial about it and its consequences. We need to go from “I was a little bit naughty today” to “I had a third sexual encounter on Tuesday evening, with someone from a hook-up app.” The sobering reality of our actions and their consequences need to impact us as we speak them out loud. It’s healthy for us to feel guilt and then know that God’s kindness leads us to repentance. Shame, however, is very unlikely to lead us to repentance.

Authenticity would lead us to not just talk about the sinful things we have done, but also why we might have done them e.g. I lied to Gertrude because I didn’t want to look stupid to her; it was the same reason with Fred. And so insecurity is revealed, which I can talk to God about and ask Him where it comes from and why I’m particularly afraid of looking stupid. Over time and with practice we will notice more subtle things, things which might initially seem insignificant, but somehow we know are meaningful. Bringing these into the light, too, can be powerful. 

Being deeply authentic should also include our feelings. It’s fine being accountable for our words or actions, but how we feel about what we’ve said or done will reveal what’s going on in our hearts. Sin is almost always a response to difficult emotions we are feeling. When I was made to feel silly, I felt rejected, disqualified and unacceptable. I had a deep reaction to these feelings and emotions, and that deep reaction is what drove me to lie to Gertrude and Fred. I’d rather lie, and by lying hope that I continue to feel accepted and valued.

One other practice from this accountability group is worth mentioning: extended, deliberate eye contact. After we had all checked-in, we would spend a minute or two just looking into each other’s eyes. Shame makes us want to hide or avert our eyes. Shame drives us to disconnect and isolate. After confessing our sin and admitting our guilt, it is a valuable practice to know we are seen, to reconnect and to feel accepted through the gaze of another. 

Being known and accepted

In addition to these six questions above, we may find it helpful to give an accountability partner other questions around specific areas which are of concern for us. For example, I may need you to ask me about my interactions with that particular person, or whether I went to that part of town this week, or which route I took home or whether I visited that website. 

Being asked questions on a regular basis is perhaps where we need to start. But, if accountability is going to be most effective, then we need to move towards a place where we are volunteering the information, not waiting to be asked. If I’m experiencing temptations, it would be good for me to be accountable right now, not delay until some point of no return and then confess the sin when I’m asked about it in a few days’ time or even be hoping I won’t be asked at all. A core emotional need for us all, is to feel accepted. We will feel accepted, only in proportion to the degree we feel we are known. If we turn up at church services with a cheery attitude and a smile, which hides the true state of our lives, it will not be surprising that we go home feeling lonely and miserable. Others are only able to accept what we present them with, so if we fail to present the “real us,” our friends will only be able to accept the “false us” that we’re presenting. We’re then left with no confidence that the “real us” is acceptable. 

Only when we feel confident that people really know us, and accept us, despite our weakness or failures, can we feel truly accepted for who we really are. 
It is for this reason that I recommend accountability in community, confessing our sins to our friends in our local church. We need to be fully known by the people who we live and worship with, the people we are serving and growing with. It has been my experience, that many Christians do not regularly confess their sin to others, except perhaps to their spouse. It may therefore be necessary for you to teach a fellow Christian what healthy accountability looks like. May you be boldly vulnerable in accountability, finding deep acceptance through becoming deeply known.

This article was originally published in the Summer 2025 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.