Understanding more of God's love

At one point in my life, I found myself standing before a crowd, speaking on behalf of a faith I no longer fully understood. As I talked about the teachings I once held dear, I was grappling with emotions of loneliness, jealousy, envy, fear of missing out, anger and lust. These feelings consumed me and turned me away from the incredible, loving and sacrificial God who had been my anchor. In that dark season, I chose to pick a girl over God - she was a wonderful person, but she wasn’t God. I believed I had been betrayed by the church. I thought they hated me for my choices, for stepping away from God’s truth. In reality, the church didn’t hate me; they loved me. They were heartbroken for me, deeply concerned for the path I had taken. They only wanted me to see the truth, but their well-meaning efforts weren’t always compassionate or gentle, which led me to distance myself further.

In the depths of my confusion, I began to mould and reduce God to a mere crutch in times of need, much like everything else I had turned to for happiness. Slowly, God became just another idol, placed on a shelf next to football, friends, family and music. My life increasingly revolved around a growing focus on something else –an agenda I didn’t fully understand at the time. I was exploring what it meant to be gay – not just in terms of being in a same-sex relationship, but in embracing a lifestyle that felt completely separate from God. I attended Pride festivals. I engaged in gay culture, and tried to adopt behaviours and conversations that matched what I believed was the right thing to do to fit. But none of it was satisfying.

Feeling troubled

I attended a drag event, which wasn’t my first exposure to this particular community, but something was different. I felt an overwhelming sadness, especially when I saw children participating in the scene. A deep longing stirred within me. What was I really missing? At first, I thought it was just the friends I had lost contact with from church, after I entered my relationship. Then, I realised I was missing something much deeper - the connection I once had with my faith, my church family and the sense of purpose I had as a volunteer. I realised that, the more my relationship with my girlfriend became strained, the more I began to miss those parts of my life that I had pushed aside in favour of a life I thought would bring me fulfilment.

As my relationship became increasingly complicated, I recognised we both wanted different things. The relationship wasn’t progressing in a healthy direction, but neither of us wanted to let go because of what we had already invested. I knew, however, that I had to end it – not because of the pain or difficulty of the breakup, but because I had lost touch with the very thing that I had been aching for. It wasn’t another person or an idea. It was God. I had been pushing God aside, thinking I knew what was best for me, but the truth was that He had been with me all along, waiting patiently for me to realise He wanted me to be safe and whole in His presence. Instead of seeing God as just another idol, I had to change my perspective. I realised I needed to view God as my whole – my everything –not just as an option to pick up when convenient, but as the source of everything meaningful in my life. This meant not moulding Him to fit my needs or desires, but understanding Him as He truly is: the terrifying, magnificent, loving, creative and sacrificial God who brings transformation.

I won’t pretend that everything about the relationship was terrible or that my decision was easy. It was incredibly difficult. I loved being in love. There were so many beautiful moments with my partner, and, at times, I believed it “felt” right. But in the end, the relationship wasn’t godly. There were parts of it that became unhealthy, and, looking back, I now realise that it was a sinful relationship. Although many friends and family members have told me that there will be another person out there for me, someone who wouldn’t hurt me, I’ve come to understand that I don’t want another same-sex relationship.  I don’t need a romantic partner to fulfil me. I’m choosing singleness because it’s what God wants for me in this season. It’s not about rejecting love or companionship from friends, but about choosing the path that God has called me to, knowing that He has a greater plan for me.

Ending the relationship

When I made the decision to enter the relationship, I was in Bible college. There was debate over same-sex relationships, both among students and lecturers. I studied hard, passionately searching for answers. I looked into theological perspectives, personal experiences and the different ways the Bible is interpreted. At the time, I thought I had it all figured out. I believed my church and faith community had it wrong. I concluded that I could date girls, and God wouldn’t mind; indeed, I thought He had specifically chosen my partner for me.

But there was a niggling thought I couldn’t ignore. The concept of marriage between a man and a woman as a picture of Christ and the church kept resurfacing in my mind. The idea that "love is love" couldn’t dismiss the Lord’s plan for salvation or the beauty of His divine design. As I delved deeper, I saw the truth I had been avoiding: there was something more profound in God’s purpose and plan, something that the Bible consistently points to throughout its pages.

Ultimately, it was the conviction of God's love, His purpose for marriage and His call to holiness that led me to surrender once again to His will. I realised I had been chasing fleeting pleasures and temporary fixes, but what I truly needed was a relationship with God that was unshakeable and unyielding.

This journey has been one of incredible transformation, where I’ve learned to let go of idols and distractions and to rediscover God as my everything. I now see Him as my whole  – the One who loves me unconditionally, who sacrificed everything for me and who desires to make me whole. It’s not about rejecting love, but about understanding that true love can only be found in Him. And in choosing God, I’m choosing the life He has intended for me all along.

This article was originally published in the Summer 2025 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.