Intimacy with others

I’ve had a few different jobs in my time. A call centre, a couple of shops, a supply chain manager at a theme park… and as I moved from one job to the next, the process of leaving was often the same. Sometimes (generously) there would be a leaving gift, often there would be leaving drinks or a meal out, but there would always be a card that had been passed around for colleagues to sign without me noticing. I’ve still got those cards – and, as I read them, I notice how many of the messages about ‘staying in touch’ are from people with whom I have since lost contact (recognising that I myself am partly to blame for that). Some of them I am still connected to digitally, some are Facebook friends, but there is currently no level of relationship/intimacy beyond that.

In his book, The Intimacy Deficit, Ed Shaw speaks to a world in which we might be digitally connected, but relationally poor. Intimacy is a core human need, yet we so often feel like we are lacking a sense of communion with each other and with God. The mutual sharing of life, love and purpose that we find as we participate in the life of God is meant to overflow into our relationships with others. This got me thinking – what are the different types of relationships with others that God may place us into?  What is the role of those relationships in reflecting something of the relationship between God and humanity? How might those relationships help us to participate in God’s purposes? Big questions, and below I offer some initial thoughts as they relate to four ‘spheres’ of intimacy we may experience: church, marriage, family and friends.

The Church: An extension of God’s own love

1 Corinthians 12 tells us that those who believe in Christ “form one body”. Together, God adopts those who trust in Him into His family, and they become members of His household. The church is the family of faith. Ekklesia is the Greek word used to name the community/assembly that is the church in the New Testament. Like our word ‘church’, it can be used to refer to both local congregations and the larger universal church – the total body of Christ’s people. Yet, there is another Greek word that is an important word used to describe the life of the church, and that is koinonia. Koinonia speaks to what the church is and what it does - its characteristics reflect God’s own nature and participation in His purposes.

Koinonia is the very essence of Christian community. It refers to our fellowship as we devote ourselves to apostolic teaching, breaking of bread and prayer (Acts 2:42), our spiritual calling as we participate in Christ (1 Cor 1:9), our unity as we share in Christ’s body and blood (1 Cor 10:16-17), the practical ways in which we share resources in service to one another (2 Cor 8:4), our missional longing to share the Gospel (Phil 1:5) and our shared communion with God (1 Jn 1:3). The church, as we see its life described in the New Testament is to be a place which models redeemed intimacy. A family of faith where none are excluded. Relationships within this family are to be vulnerable, not superficial. A place where busyness does not get in the way of hospitality and where our interdependence in shared service means that none are overlooked. This kind of human communion is derivative of, and patterned upon, the eternal communion within God Himself. We love each other because God first loved us, united because we share in one Spirit, extending the life of God’s own communion through our own relationships of self-giving love.

Marriage: A reflection of God’s covenant intimacy

Genesis 2:24 is often cited as the biblical definition of marriage. It reads “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” The Hebrew word here translated as ‘united’ is dŌvaq. In a basic sense, it means ‘to cling to’ or ‘to adhere to’. In other words, man and wife are to be glued together in a relationship not intended to be broken. It is a word that carries deep covenantal and relational meaning. Marriage is to be exclusive, enduring and faithful. 
Ephesians 5, famously, likens marriage to the relationship between Christ and the church. Marriage is an image of the unbreakable union and loyalty Christ shows towards His church. Husbands are called to love their wives through the mirroring of Christ’s sacrifice - meaning marriage is about giving all of oneself for the good of the other.
Of course, human marriage is a form of intimacy with others that not everybody will get to experience. For some, not experiencing this will be a source of pain. Good news is found in three ways. First is that having a husband/wife is just one way in which our ‘marital status’ can reflect something of our eschatological reality. For just as marriage shows us something of what God’s covenant with His church is like, singleness shows us that the primary relationship that matters is the one we have with God (for we will all be single and fulfilled in the age to come). Second is that God does not leave us without other forms of intimacy (some of which are explored in this very article). Third is that 1 Cor 7 is clear that both marriage and singleness are holy and pleasing gifts from God, with a dose of realism that both are also costly in their own way.

Family: A place to belong, a place to bear fruit

Different readers of this article will have different experiences of family. At its best, family can be the first place in which a person experiences a sense of belonging, kinship, care and nurture. At worst, some people may have never had a sense of family- be it biological or otherwise. For some, it has been a place of wounding - where expectations and emotional needs go unmet, where there is relational distance or perhaps experiences of rejection. Whatever our experience – our early and formative years, usually spent with family, likely proved a training ground of sorts for how to relate to others well. It may be that is where the fruit of the Spirit for the believer first started to grow. Whether experiences of family were good or bad, virtues such as patience, kindness and gentleness are needed to navigate those early relationships.
Family was God’s idea - a place where love and life are intended to be nurtured. In Scripture, family is often seen as the setting in which God’s promises find root. Abraham’s household, for example, becomes the seedbed for a people through whom all nations will be blessed. Perhaps it can be thought of as being a rehearsal space for belonging to the wider household of faith. Though our own families may fall short of God’s initial vision, our very longing for family harmony points us back to God’s own heart - that people find shelter in His household. Christ broadens our understanding of family. He says “For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother” (Matt 12:50).  He offers a place where every person belongs, regardless of circumstances - offering the truest and most lasting family we have through spiritual adoption.

Friendship: marked by mutual delight

A number of great books have been written on the topic of friendship in recent years. For me, a personal favourite is Drew Hunter’s Made for Friendship. In the book, Drew spends time mining the scriptures for ‘marks of friendship’. In doing so, he reveals that friendships are formed through affection, trust and shared life. “A friend loves at all times”, says Proverbs 17:17. Jesus Himself calls His disciples “friends” (John 15:15). Friendship can be a sacred bond - a place where brothers and sisters decide to walk together in their mutual pursuit of Christ.

C.S. Lewis observed that friendship begins when one person says to another “What! You too?” - it is a moment of shared interests and understanding - capable of morphing into shared vision and worship. Friends can help one another to love God more, can pray together, carry burdens together and sometimes speak hard truths to one another in love. In a culture that prizes romance, friendship shows us that intimacy finds many forms. While, like family, it can sometimes offer painful experiences, and sometimes friends are only for a season, friendship can be a deep and sustaining gift that is a genuine means of God’s grace. 

The intimacy we are made for

Each of these spheres of relationship offer a glimpse, however imperfect, of the intimacy for which we are made. None of them are designed, in and of themselves, to fulfil all of the longings of the human heart, and yet all can be seen as a means through which the type of love God has for us can be known and shared. Our need for intimacy is not a sign of weakness, but a pointer towards the communion God intends for us to enjoy with Him. In Christ, even our sometimes fractured and faltering relationships with one another are gathered up into something larger: the household of God. God’s household offers a place where love is patient, faithful and enduring - and any intimacy we taste with each other in this age is merely a foretaste of the perfect communion that awaits us when we see Christ face to face. Until then, may we love one another well, so that all our relationships bear witness to the steadfast love of God.

This article was originally published in the Winter 2025 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.