Receiving Freedom from Pornography

When I was asked to give this testimony, and told that the theme was about accountability, I was instantly a bit nervous. As I was trying to work out what to say for this, I kept finding myself trying to avoid one particular aspect of my story. But I really felt God put it on my heart to write about. So, just to rip the bandage off right away, this testimony is about my struggle with pornography. I have been in recovery from a porn addiction for the last 4 years or so. It's a difficult thing to talk about, and it's a part of my story that has carried a lot of shame, but it's also the part of my story where accountability has had the most life changing impact.

Underlying issues 

As I know is often the case with addiction, this didn't come out of nowhere, and had a lot of underlying issues contributing to it. For some context, porn became an issue for me whilst I was in my second year of Bible college, studying theology and youth work. It was around this time that I was finally no longer able to deny that I was same-sex attracted. So, I was processing that and all that came with it, and came out to a close friend for the first time during this year of college. In addition to this, my studies had also brought up childhood memories from trauma I had experienced, but suppressed. This was another situation which I had never spoken of until that same year of college. I had spent much of my life hiding and masking my true feelings, so bringing these things to the surface was overwhelming. I had finally decided to take these things to counselling, but sadly that was when COVID started to take over, and the lockdown prevented this. So, I was then just left with all of these feelings and memories and questions and with no idea how to process it all.

Shame and confession

That's when porn became a problem. I had fallen into other forms of destructive coping mechanisms before, and this seemed to give me those same feelings of control. It began slowly, with mainstream movies, TV shows or audiobooks, which I knew weren't helpful, but still felt ‘normal’. This then moved on to searching for things on social media, and it spiralled from there. It got to a point where I was disgusted with myself and with the things I was engaging with, yet still I somehow kept doing it. I soon felt powerless and felt I had no control over it. I also felt a huge amount of shame. I wasn't telling anyone any of what was going on, out of absolute fear over what would happen if anyone knew.

Eventually though, as the lockdowns went on, I moved out of my parents’ house and in with my sister. This gave me some breathing space and enabled me to start counselling sessions over Zoom. I saw a Christian counsellor who I had seen a few years earlier for other mental health struggles. But this was different from any of the counselling or therapy I had had previously. This time, I told the full story of my trauma, and my sexuality, and the questions and confusion and the anger I was feeling towards God. It was incredibly difficult, but this started the process of real healing for the first time in my life.

Further help

Later on, after I had moved to Cheshire, I started a course called “Click to Kick” - an online group course aimed at porn addiction recovery. This was an amazing experience for me. I was able to meet a group of Christian women who struggled in the same way as I did, which was a comforting realisation that I was not alone. I also learned foundations for addiction recovery and tools that I still use today. But I finished this course still struggling to be fully free from porn. I could get through a couple of weeks or a month, but even that was a struggle. And I also still had big questions over my future in light of my sexuality. I wasn't sure how it would be possible for me to remain single, potentially forever. And I was honestly just struggling to see how biblical sexual ethics could be good news for me.

Accountability at TFT

This is where TFT came in. I had heard of TFT a few years before, at a Living Out conference, but I was very apprehensive about joining. I did a lot of trying to find excuses to avoid it, and trying to “scope it out”, but did eventually fill in the contact form! Joining TFT has been incredibly healing for me, and this community has been such an important part of me realising that a faithful godly life is possible, even with ongoing same-sex attractions. Just being at conferences or Zoom groups with people who really understand is so powerful and has made me feel seen and understood in a way I had craved for a long time.

Soon after joining, I also started 1-to-1 accountability, which has been one of the most transformative parts of my recovery from porn. Now, don't get me wrong, this wasn't a quick fix by any means. (As my accountability partner would probably attest to - I've really put her through her paces!) I also still needed some more therapy alongside this for a few months to continue to work on the underlying issues. Recovery has taken a lot of work and time, and having an accountability partner is just one part of that. But after many years of hiding the difficult things from people close to me, actually having someone know about my porn issue - asking me the hard questions and reminding me of God's truth - has been so important for me in getting free from porn. I've also found this an amazing picture of God's love for me. When I confess a sin, and I'm met with grace rather than condemnation, that is a powerful reminder to me that God doesn’t give up on me, even when he sees all of my sin in all of its ugliness. He still shows me more grace and more love and more patience.

Ongoing recovery

So that brings us to now. Although recovery is still something that I have to work on and stay on top of every day, I am now managing to stay free from porn. Those temptations are getting weaker the longer I resist, and it is slowly getting easier to be open with others about my struggles. God has been so kind, and has brought me so far from where I used to be, and I know that He will continue this work in me. So, my prayer for sharing this story is that it may bring some encouragement or hope for some of you. Whether that’s in a struggle with porn, or other temptations, or hurts from the past. God is gracious and kind, and I have found that even when the process is slow or feels impossible, He is still at work, and He does bring real healing and freedom.

I wanted to finish with a verse that I feel sums it up:
“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” Psalm 40:1-2
 

This article was originally published in the Summer 2025 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.