A good marriage despite our struggles

Catherine’s story

When I was very young, my parents nicknamed me ‘Girl-Boy’ as I was never interested in wearing dresses or playing with girls’ toys. I honestly thought that I would grow up to be a man and would admire Tarzan’s physique on the TV, hoping that I would look like him when I was older. So, it was quite a shock to me when I discovered I would become a woman one day.

I grew up experiencing constant crushes on female teachers, friends and film stars, but it never occurred to me that I might be gay. My mum would often say that it was quite normal for teenage girls to have crushes on their female teachers. I always wondered why she kept telling me this, and I worried she had found my cutting of a page three girl hidden in my wardrobe! It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t marry a man one day, and so, when I started dating my future husband, aged seventeen, I didn’t worry about my sexuality or thought to tell him anything about it. Looking back, I realise I had a great lack of self-awareness and that God was looking after me and protecting me from choosing a different lifestyle when I got older. I married, aged nineteen, and was very happy with married life and in love with my husband. 

It wasn’t until I started work as a newly qualified teacher that my sexuality became a problem. My mentor at the school I worked in supported me and guided me through my first year of teaching. But she went the ‘extra mile’ and showered me with gifts and affection, which I found overwhelming. One evening, I found myself in church trying to concentrate on the sermon, and I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering to her, fantasising about her, and longing for her. I knew I needed help, so after the service, I went for prayer, and confessed to a lady from the church about my sexuality and struggles for the first time in my life. She suggested I come to her for counselling, and from then started a long journey of seeking healing, support, and freedom. 

Coming home, I knew I had to tell my husband if I was going to get continued support for this problem, so I confessed all to him. He was, and still is, a terrific support to me. One day, he wrote on a piece of notepaper to me, ‘Let me be your Simon of Cyrene and help to carry your cross’; a note I have always carried in my purse. 
Over the years, we have both had to work out the right balance of accountability together. It wouldn’t be appropriate to tell my husband about every attraction to women that I have (I wouldn’t want him to tell me about all his attractions!) but, now and then, it has been necessary to share with him about a problem with a relationship that I am having with a friend. When I really feel that I am in danger of crossing boundaries in a friendship or feel that I have lost control of my thoughts and desires, I summon the courage to tell him. I also make sure that someone else knows, so I can get prayer support and not expect my husband to do this for me on his own. Over the years, I have gradually become more open with others about my sexuality, even standing up at a parish weekend and sharing my struggles with the church, and so my support network has widened.

We have been married for thirty-two years now, and I have frequently worried that it is unfair to expect my husband to stick with me when he could have found someone else who is more physically compatible with him. But then I remind myself of many longstanding marriages that I’m aware of that seem loveless and cold, whereas Richard and I have a very deep love and respect for each other, and love to be in each other’s company. This encourages me that we have a good marriage despite our struggles. We have been through a lot together, including the stress of bringing up three children, one of whom has severe learning disabilities, as well as coping with the pressures of being in church leadership. Our love goes deep, which is a wonderful basis for a good, strong marriage. As Louis de Bernieres puts it in “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin”:

“Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”

Richard’s story

Catherine and I married young, which I always see as a great blessing. We were both Christians and entered the marriage with strong ideals and a deep sense that God had brought us together. It was about four or five years into our marriage that Catherine shared about her feelings of same-sex attraction. We’d been visiting a church that offered prayer after services, and Cath had found an opportunity there to discuss her feelings. That gave her the strength to chat with me. This church ultimately became our place of worship, and our spiritual home. The people there gave freely of their time to Catherine over the long haul, and I, too, valued feeling part of a supportive environment. And, so, the issues we were facing took us on a shared journey of learning, discovery and healing.

As Catherine shared, I learned about my own emotional desires and spiritual needs as well. I think we’ve both come to see that God is our ultimate need. As St Augustine famously wrote, ‘You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you.’ My journey led me to ordination in the Church of England, and Catherine has always supported that call.

Our journey also included having kids, three in fact. The third has additional needs. Again, this took us beyond our own resources and ability to cope. I remember at the time the song ‘You raise me up’, playing on the hospital radio while I was visiting Cath and through it feeling God’s grace and presence for the news the doctors had given us.

For me, it is all about the journey. As I have already stated, we married young. Neither of us was fully formed. And that is still true. We’ve grown in many ways, but often I’m struck by how young I still feel, spiritually.

Life continues to be a journey of discovery and growth. And, in that context, marriage has been a stable and life-giving force. Of course, we still experience tensions and difficulties, but we find strength and grace in our strong sense of loyalty to one another, our family, and Jesus.

The journey has sometimes been difficult. For many years, I focused on ‘understanding’, trying to figure out why things were this way and, therefore, what we should do. Now I try less to understand and more to accept that we can’t understand everything. Instead, I focus more on God being there all the time. He has blessed us by bringing people into our lives to support us, and that has enabled our mixed-orientation marriage to be a place of growth, healing and life. And for all that, I truly thank God.

There seems to be a lot of pressure on marriages nowadays to conform to various stereotypes. Our marriage breaks a lot of those stereotypes. How can a gay person be in an opposite-sex marriage? But I think that underestimates the power of love, both human and divine. As Paul puts it in his prayer for the Ephesians,
“I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” – Ephesians 3:17-19

He reminds us that God’s deep love is available for us and our relationships.

Some things that have sustained us over the years include grace (constantly), the Word of God, ardently seeking God’s Spirit, worship, humour and making time for one another and for the things we both enjoy (such as country walks, music, a meal out, family time and reading). Keeping our friendship strong and making time for recreation together is important, as well as the spiritual essentials. Life is such a rich tapestry of light and dark, joy and tears. It’s only the love of God that stops that being a chaotic mess, and changes it into a journey of hope. And, in that place of hope we’ve found laughter, joy and worship blossoming, not despite the challenges, but through them and because of them, as God has walked with us all the way.

This article was originally published in the winter 2021 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.