God loves me as I am

When I was in my early 30s, I pastored a church plant. I was also struggling with the guilt I felt with the same-sex attraction I continued to experience as a teenager. I was in a relationship with an older man in my 20s and occasionally engaging in other same-sex behaviour. Although now in a heterosexual marriage, I would still gain sexual pleasure through homosexual fantasy. 

Desperately wanting to change

I desperately wanted to change and be what I considered ‘normal’ but had no clue how this could happen. I had a strong faith in God and His ability to change me but, however hard I prayed, it didn’t seem to happen. Then I heard about a ministry to homosexuals who wanted to be free from this issue in their lives. Having plucked up the courage to meet the man who ran the organisation, I met with love and acceptance. Looking back now, I also realise that what I was being offered was what is now called ‘conversion therapy’. I must emphasise that I received only love and respect. However, there was a genuine belief and expectation that my sexuality could and should be changed. When I shared with someone the most secret part of me (my wife knew nothing of my same-sex attractions), this sense of release caused me to believe that my sexuality had changed. I received counselling for over a year and, at the end of this, declared that I was free from same-sex temptations. I even wrote a testimony for the ministry to this effect. 

However, it soon became clear to me that I still experienced same-sex attraction. I would look at men and fantasise, recall old encounters and give myself sexual pleasure thinking about them. But I did not feel able to tell my friends from the ministry that really there had been no change. I didn’t want to hurt them. So I lived like this for another 20 years or so whilst also being happily married.

No pressure to change my sexuality

In the last few years, I have engaged more with True Freedom Trust (TFT). I had been receiving their magazine but not actually taken things any further. Whilst in a desperate, guilt-ridden state, I contacted the office, and a local volunteer got in touch with me. Again, I received only love, respect and acceptance. But the difference is marked. I feel no expectation that my sexuality should change. Yes, the emphasis is on living a holy, God honouring life, but on no different terms than all Christians should strive for. My sexuality is in some ways not seen as the issue; it is more about how I work it out in practice. At TFT, my ongoing same-sex attractions do not change the fact that I am accepted as a child of God and a fellow brother.

The TFT volunteer and I meet regularly, often phone or text each other with no expectation other than we will support one another and encourage each other in our Christian lives. As well as this, I have been able to join some online conferences recently, as well as being a member of an online Barnabas Group. Again, there is no emphasis on changing sexuality, and I can be totally at ease with the person I am. 

TFT has helped me realise that my previous goal of ‘normality’ is not what following Christ is about. I am no less of a Christian because of my same-sex attractions, and they do not make me a failure.

My spiritual, emotional and mental health has changed immeasurably because of the approach of TFT. I no longer feel I have to fight myself all the time or keep a part of me distanced from God. Of course, I still have to deal with temptation, but that would be the case whatever my sexuality. TFT is not there to change your sexuality but to support you in living a life that is honouring to God.

This story was originally published in the autumn 2021 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.